A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Girlfriend and I have been together for around 8 years. Things were great we always had fun together but over time she started taking me for granted. I left her for awhile then came back, I missed her alot. Everything was good for awhile but it went back the way it used to be. I was taken for granted again. During this time I got physically sick just something with my stomach got worse from when I was young. Was and is not easy for me to go though. Other then that everything is the same as it used to be not much else has changed. Well...After awhile something new happened, she stopped being intimate with me. I asked her why she said she does not know. If I ask for it she gets angry and does not want to talk about it. Now I don't talk about it anymore, I don't have any intimacy in my life. The one time a year we do "do it" she is not interested and lays there, she might as well be doing math problems or reading a book.Some other things have changed too, she likes to do stuff with other people more then me and it's almost like she does not have time for me. It's like a light bulb went off in her and it feels like she does not love me anymore. I also asked her about this, she says she loves me and is aways saying "love you" etc. I feel so strange inside, i'm confused. I'm seeing and feeling one thing but what she says is another. I feel anger, hurt, saddness. I love her.
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male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (22 August 2009):
It sounds to me like you have both got yourselves caught in something of a downward spiral. You love each other, but things aren't quite right, which makes you feel worse, which drags things down even more and so on.
When things aren't going well the intimacy in the relationship is often one of the first things to suffer. And that in itself is another downward spiral, because most men need the intimacy to feel loved, whereas most women need to feel loved to desire intimacy.
Feeling taken for granted is a strange thing, and you don't actually say why you feel that why?
However, often there is no real reason for it. Rather, the other person is acting towards you pretty much in the same way they always did, but because things aren't 100% right in other areas of the relationship, those things that you didn't mind before suddenly seem like chores.
The question is, what can you do about this? Well, you could do nothing, continue drifting apart and feeling worse, and then split up.
Or, you can decide to work at this and begin to improve the situation. Ideally you need to work at it together, but one of you needs to make the first moves and that may as well be you!
Make an effort to tell her that you love her - and the simple compliments about how pretty she looks today, how you like her perfume and so on.
Find time to discuss how you both feel and what you both want, but avoid the discussions turning into arguments and "the blame game." Discuss the future, not the past, and initially keep it simple like "I would really enjoy spending time with you this weekend. Shall we do something together on Saturday?"
Remember to ask her what she wants, and support her in that. If you say "what do you want to do today" and she says she wants to go out with her friend then say "ok, have a good time darling and I'll do .... for us when you get back."
Remember all the little things that you used to do quite naturally - the little gifts, the compliments, the surprises - and start trying to do them again for her.
Don't expect an instant response and improvement. Think of putting a big pan of cold water over a fire - it doesn't boil instantly, but rather gradually begins to warm up. You are trying to re-heat your relationship in much the same way and it will take time, but after a while she should start responding to your effort with efforts of her own.
Don't think it will be easy either. When people say you have to work at a relationship, they really do mean it feels like hard work sometimes!
But, hopefully over time the efforts will begin to pay off and they will no longer feel like hard work - just the things you enjoy doing for and with each other.
Good luck!
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