A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have been married for 25 years. We have had some good times but my husband is very controlling and demeans me. I am not allowed to have any male friends because in his mind it’s wrong and that means I am having sex with them. If I enjoy watching a certain show in tv he makes rude comments about it. I feel like a child and he is my dad. He even gets jealous if I talk to my female friends. Apparently I shouldn’t have any friends. He doesn’t like me on my cell phone even though I enjoy reading things on there. He needs to know my whereabouts when I visit my family even though I only see them 2 times a year .I ended up messaging with some male online who made me feel worthy and made me feel alive. I hadn’t felt this way in years. Yes I had an emotional affair. Sadly I don’t feel bad about it. I felt like I needed this. I even met him. It was the best time I ever had. Made me feel like a queen. I told my husband and of course things are worse than ever now. I get continual bad comments directed to me. He watches me even more than he used to. I am called every name in the book and he even brainwashed our older children again me. I feel so alone i want to leave I want to be on my own where I don’t have to answer for everything I do
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2018): I guess at this point you must get your legal ducks in a row. You have to end the verbal abuse and aggressive behavior. You have to let him know that if you feel threatened or intimidated you will consider bringing the police into the matter. If this pattern has been the norm for as long as a quarter of a century; it is well-ingrained and he isn't likely to lighten-up.
Verbal-battery is still assault! Using intimidation and aggression against another person is justification to file charges, and even get an order of protection. If it is on police-record he has ever raised a hand to you, or he has demonstrated violent behavior? Then by all means seek every protection possible; if you decide to file for divorce.
As for adult-children who can be brainwashed by their father. You didn't gain any points by having an emotional-affair with another man. They wouldn't expect that sort of behavior coming from their mother. We all place our mothers up on a pedestal and in the highest esteem. For some strange and inexplicable reason; society has a double-standard for women, and women are ostracized even more so than men for cheating.
I can't say I wouldn't feel worse about knowing my mom cheated than my dad. However; knowing my mother so well and being aware that she was mistreated, I'd have more understanding and empathy.
If your own offspring are negatively-influenced so easily; you evidently kept things too guarded and hidden. They may not realize what you've gone through over the years. I'm sure, as a mom, you were just being protective. You felt you were being a wife. According to the old-school tradition. He's probably dangling the purse-strings over their heads; which tends to sway adult-children more than anything. They should be so self-righteous. Turning on mom?!! If they are blind to what you're going through, seeing you in an affair makes things even worse.
It's import you have a decent divorce attorney. Expect hubby to suddenly turn sweet and conciliatory. If you don't bend and return to the sweet timid wifey he's used to; the devil will overheat hell, and all hell will break-loose. Stand firm!
It is my opinion that you should end your little affair, and attend to your domestic-issues. First things first. You're needy, and maybe a little spiteful; because you're neglected and vulnerable. The other guy may not even be as wonderful as you think he is. Messing around with a married-woman, he can't be. You may be acting on the belief that anything is better than what you have; but that is only pain talking. You are too vulnerable to have sufficiently clear-judgement and discernment with other men right now.
It's not a good thing having an ongoing affair simultaneous to initiating a divorce; it gives him too much leverage, and makes living in the same home total hell.
You were mistreated when you weren't doing anything. Until you're both living separately; I wouldn't stir the pot. Emotional-abuse is sure cause for divorce; but so is infidelity. You need as few complications as possible.
Time to break the chains. Talk to your children.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (20 January 2018):
 "You WANT to leave" and be in a relationship where you don't feel like a possession and unhappy.. this drove you to an emotional affair. So what really is there left to salvage? If he loved you he would trust you.. you can't have love without trust. So he settles for trying to lord power over you and control you, because that's his sociopath personality.
Was he like this before you married him.. if so you were obviously blinded by love.. it's time to take control back over your life and divorce him. No one should have to answer to someone else like this and live such an unhappy existence. That is what you should have done when you realised what he is. Go to citizens advice bureau and see what your legal options are regards to living situations. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (20 January 2018):
Then leave. Why stay in a marriage with a man who makes you miserable? You don’t say how old your children are but I assume they are adults or close too it so that should be an issueSounds like this marriage ran it’s course long ago. Find yourself a lawyer and put together an exit plan. Then when you are ready execute the plan.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2018):
 So in short, OP
You proved your husband right. That when you DO have contact with other men you want to have sex with them...
Maybe it IS time for you to leave. If you are not working, finding a job should be your first priority, then a place to live, etc.
You might think your husband turned your oldest child against you, but maybe you need to take some responsibility here too. YOUR actions (emotional affair online) is more than likely the reason WHY your oldest is mad at you.
You could have made the choice to DIVORCE and/or leave INSTEAD, you had an affair. Just because YOU felt miserable in your marriage doesn't give you a free pass to cheat. It's not an excuse. You MADE a choice to stay married, you MADE the choice to cheat. Now you have to live with those choices. Doesn't mean you HAVE to stay with your husband, but you HAVE to accept some culpability here.
Sure your husband's CHOICES to be a shitty husband made the CHOICE to cheat easier. Doesn't mean it was the "right" decision to make.
This is your life. Do you want to continue living in misery? Or is it time to set yourself AND your husband free?
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