A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend, but can't stand his friends. I know I have no right to interfere with his friendships, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable and would love an objective opinion of how to handle this situation.My boyfriend of over a year went to high school and college with his ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately because of their shared history, most of his friends are also friendly with her. His ex cheated on him; that's why they broke up, but they remained friends because of their shared social circle. She is a terrible person and has tried to break us up even though she has a boyfriend. My boyfriend understands that his ex is a bad person and has ended contact with her (only recently) and only after she truly crossed the line through various antics, including making a pass at him in front of me. The problem is she's spread rumors about me. As a result, their mutual friends a terribly rude to me. I'll spare you the details, but trust me when I say that I haven't seen such behavior since high school.A further complication is that most of these people are not my type. They include a former stripper and all varieties of drug users. These people have grown up and reformed a bit, but I'm still uncomfortable around them. I am conservative and live my life on the straight and narrow, so I'd already be uneasy having dinner with a stripper, but it's compounded by the nasty rumors the ex has spread.I don't want to stand in the way of my boyfriend and his friendships, but I get stressed out at the thought of having to hang out with his friends. Even though we're all around 30, with regards to me, they act like we're in high school. They refuse to include me in anything and love his ex, even though she cheated on him and screwed him over in a variety of other ways I won't mention.Please advise!
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, has a boyfriend, his ex, she has a boyfriend, stripper Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your thoughtful responses. The issue is complicated because as wild as my boyfriend's friends are, they have reformed a lot. In fact, they are now professionals, even the former stripper is a nurse, and the drug users are bankers.
Maybe I'm the closed-minded one. While I do think people can change and grow up, I believe, underneath it all your principles remain the same. Even based on their actions now, I believe they are still as immoral as they used to be, even though they have shaped up superficially.
It would be some much easier to ask my boyfriend to blow them off if they were still wild children. But instead, they are grown up professionals who revert to their teenage behavior whenever they get together and that is the issue.
I do hope that as my boyfriend and I grow together, he will grow apart from these people and join me in welcoming kind, well-intentioned, moral people into our lives.
Again, thank you. I am still thinking about all of your comments and appreciate them very much.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I like the idea that the people you hang out with say a lot about yourself. You do not feel comfortable because you are not compatible with his friends. It is all about "the energy that attracts into your life people you relate to". Your boyfriend does not bother because something in him likes the way his friends act. But, the fact is that if he starts to see that those so-called friends are not good people his energy is going to chance and little by little he´ll start to drift away from them until they have nothing in common. I believe it is up to you to show him a better reality and perhaps it takes a lot of patience. There will be a limit though. You can´t keep doing it forever and then you will have to decide if it is worth it trying and trying and forgetting about your possibilities with another guy.I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Now now, you could say to your boyfriend that he needs to clean up his act. Use simple language, get straight to the point, and explain that if all this nonsense doesn't stop...you are leaving.
Repeat this to him in these exact words..."The people you associate with are trash. And they probably will end up in jail."
I trust this information has been of assistance to you. Have a great day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Chatty  +, writes (22 April 2010):
Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel? I can safley say that if it was me, I would be seriously taking a step back & asking myself what I want from this reletionship.
I have ben in a similar situation myself & to be made to feel that uncomfortable around his friends must be awfull. Ask yourself, if you were looking in from the outside what you would tell yourself to do. You will find you already know the answer its just that your a little too close to the situation.
I really feel for you especially since you seem to care deeply for your boyfriend, however sometimes its better to cut your losses & hit the road rather than stick around until you feel you can't be without him, everyone gets to that stage in the relationship when you are in too deep to break away.
I really hope you can find the answer to this, I know you are probibly looking for a clear cut answer but it would be very harsh of me to tell you step by step, this is not my life its yours, do you really want to spend it with a bunch of drug taking strippers!
Sleep on it I have a feeling you know what is best for you.
Take care,
Chatty x
...............................
|
