A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this sounds weird but guys only like me because they think that I am strong and don't put up with their crap. All my bf's always tell me how I am different from other girls (I hate when they say this). How I don't care about the same things other girls care about. To a certain extent it is true. Sometimes. I am really easy going. Really easy to talk to. And a great friend. I'm totally fun and flirty. Guys are usually mesmerized. I have been told by three guys that I am their dream girl. You are probably all laughing at me right now. So I know guys like me. That's not the problem. The problem is that I am a real person. I do have feelings. And I do have weak moments. I do care. They probably think I am so pretty that I just move on and have never cried. But I do. I get hurt just like anybody else. And I want to get married just like any other girl. Yeah they like me when everything's fine. But everything's not always fine. I always put up with my bf's weak moments and jealous rants. But whenever I have weak moments because I am jealous or something similar to what they have felt then they are not there for me and are not understanding as I have been of them (well that's not always true but it is the case often). And they just get turned off, it seems. They love me when I am invincible. But as soon as I crack they are not there for me like I am there for them when they crack. Are most guys like this? Or is this just something that happens to me? Do guys only like women who are strong? Or am I a fool?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Your strength is your biggest asset, hun and you should be proud of that. Setting boundaries, not putting up with crap is a good thing. The men you know and date should most definitely respect that about you. Respect is foundational to the quality of all good relationships. So many females out there typically want the 'nest and the man' so bad, that they don't worry about the character of the man, in the first place. And then they fret and are in pain, when he eventually devastates her life. They simply don't realize that what and whom they 'choose' defines who they are. You can be easy going, fun, intelligent, witty, giving, loving...but you can be smart. This is you. I am a big fan of woman being strong and smart but also being sincere, truthful and fair to her partner. She doesn't need to be a ball-buster...but she does need to recognize when a man is treating her like crap and has the gumption to say 'enough, I don't need this' and walk away. You can still express your feelings to a partner, but in a mature, open, honest way. And if you feel the need to express and be vulnerable to a dating partner, how he reacts to you is telling you a lot. A man who truely loves you...will understand, he will support you.. If a guy isn't doing this, you are dating the wrong fellow. So yes, quality men do appreciate strength and self-respect in a woman. If he doesn't...you need to question 'who' he is. When you date, your first responsibility is to you. Never change who you are to impress a man. He takes you 'as is', hun...plain and simple. Some men do tend to be intimidated by a woman's strength but not all. This is their issue, not yours. The right guy is out there..maybe you just haven't met him yet.
A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 have this problem too.If you find the right answer, dear please share with me.Inthe course of my life and experiances, i can tell you, that once a man get it into his head, he takes it for granted. Guess they dont bother much about. Well, i have friends that are strong, yet they intentionaly show up that they need support and accordingly man are acting like that towards them.I think that showing you to be such strong is not always advantage.That you have bad moments,weknesses and need support, but not to submission is a good way.Man are attracted to strong and independent women,and if you ask me, a real man, who has no problem with his masculinity will accept you as you are, and will surely understand that you re fragile as every human. Dont know the right answer, but that is just my opinion and suggestion. Show in a subtile way that you re not always so strong and that you need support. If somebody really loves you and cares about you, will not be astonished and run away. Good luck
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Hi, It will be interesting for me if you get the answer to your problem, because I have been the same way all my life. And am told by my girlfreinds it's because I pick the wrong men. I am 47 by the way, and have no trouble in finding love, just a hell of a time keeping it.It all starts off like yourself, I am confidante funny and still quite Pretty. Men love it when I am making them laugh, and generaly entertaining the crowd. If I had a pound for everytime one of them said I wish you were my girlfriend. (did I also mention I have a big head).But as soon as I fall in love it goes wrong. I do everything for them, cook,clean, and generally look after them and care for them more than myself. But if I cry or get upset its different. My partner doesnt put his arms around me and give me a hug, to make me feel better. He doesnt make me something nice to eat, or get me a drink.His answer is to stop blubbing, and what am I going on about now.This is coming from my partner who I dearly love, but does nothing at home and is totally taking the pi** out of this situation.I wonder is it my fault, have I treated him like a child and spoilt him?.My advice would be to not let this happen, otherwise it will still be happening at my age.Any advice, if you find the answer would be gratefully recieved by a lot of us ladies.TellulahXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Thank you both and 'happytochat' because I feel like you particularly understand my dilemma. But I also wanted to know if this is normal. Are all men like this? Or are they just like this with me? Sometimes I feel that if I were any other girl, guys would be so much more supportive. If I were more girly and unaccepting and judgemental and was super high maintenance then maybe they would try harder to be there for me cause their expectations would change. (this is my biggest fear and dilemma). And it is not so much that they are not there for me. It's more that if I reacted in the same way and for the same reasons that they have in the past over jealousy or whatever then they are not there for me the way I am for them (maybe that is just a guy thing). Clearly they don't want to rock the boat with other girls, though. And my ex said to me how all other girls put so much importance to dates and sentimentality and I don't and that is awesome. And I hate when he said that! I do. I just don't give it that much importance but it is important to some extent to me too. I am afraid that if they think that I don't care about all of these things (which I do I just don't talk about it) then they are not going to do the same things for me. I can't change who I am but I want all the same things other girls want too! Are guys generally more supportive with other girls? I want a guy who loves me just as much as they have loved me but who also understands that I am HUMAN. Is it just the guys I am choosing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): What are "weak moments?" I believe that especially men who've had the chance to see the "taugh" side of life (because let's agree troubles aren't equally "apportioned" to all people) expect from their partners more strength and sense of independency, because crying and complaining don't solve the problems, and are only a way of relief. If you cry overreacting at the smallest incident it can give the man the impression you're not searching for ways of solving the problems, but they forget that emotions don't have to be a sign of weakness, but of sensibility at times. And we don't have to bow to the stereotype "the strong don't cry." That apart, teenagers do tend to be impressed by this manifestations, while mature men can see it as a sign you're not ready to face the difficulties, depending on the contexts. But let's not forget same things "touch" us in different ways, that's why Bentham said there should be different punishments for the same mistakes, according to each person's sensibility. That should be generally accepted...
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (10 September 2007):
I think whats happeneing in your situation is something that often happens with a child and their mother or father. The parents are always so strong, they seem to have the answers for everything, they always know what to do etc...and they seem like NOTHING gets them down.
However the odd moment when they do, it shocks the child and the child misses their parents usual self. Its basicaly because no one likes to see anyone upset because you know thats sad to see. And often fi someone isnt confident in themself in helping someone, it makes it harder on them. In your case, your bf probably lieks it when you are strong because it means he doesnt have to find the right thing to say in order tosupport you. Giving someone suport can be hard. And I think its more so hard for guys. So when a guy fnds a girl who seems like shes so strong all the time, they find that very attractive.
It is unreasonable though for anyone to expect you to deal ok with evertyhing all the time. You are human and you can and will have moments where you are lost and feel like you cant cope. You need to really try and explain this to your bf. He has no right to get angry at you. Perhaps say to him 'your a man, you arent suppose to get upset, you are suppose to be strong and brave...so how would you like it if i didnt accept you being upset about certains things? i do though dont i because i realise that you are a human and no matter whether you are male or female, you get upset sometimes'.
Hope this helps :)
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