A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:how do i stop?lately the relationship between my boyfriend and I has been complex, or at least thats what i think anyways(he says there is nothing wrong)I feel that our passion is gone and its like we are friends with benefits why? I've become extremely over protective with him like for exampleI hate it when other girls look at him (even though its obvious he has no interest in them) I hate the women he works with (if they are young)I hate it when girls add him on face book whom which i know like him and he knows they like him I've found myself snooping on his computer lately going on his face book looking through his history I even go through his wallet or look at his bank statements and phone records but nothing but me being paranoid this is the first time I've ever done anything like this i did it a few times at the beginning of our relationship but it wasn't this bad(only because i though he had something going on with his ex)I never had done this in any of my past relationships even though i had more to worry out with the past guy I had been with I've only found one thing that bothers me and we have already talked about it and it still bothers me its him talking to his ex I HATE IT! I'm also dwelling on the fact he asked for a brake like 6 months ago even though its over with and we are back together I find myself still hurting over it and i don't know why? and i have talked to him about this can anyone explain why I'm acting this way even though this guy is obviously doing nothing wrong why do i think our passion is gone? i really don't want to push him away by doing this
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Perhaps you are suspicious of him because you realize that cheating is something that you are capable of, and thus you wonder if he is capable of the same. But just because you did it does not mean he will. He doesn't even mind that you are snooping through all of his things! If he had something to hide he would be trying to hide it. You just have to quit cold turkey before you push him so far away that he won't be coming back.
As for his lying, his lies seem to be petty white lies. Although your jealousy is causing you to be hurt by these lies, I really feel that they are nothing to worry about. Perhaps he kept some of these things from you because he didn't want you to end up being so hurt by it. Try and be more understanding of his problems. You need to let yourself be the person he can turn to for help, not the person he has to tip-toe around to avoid hurting.
Now, the spark in your relationship may not necessarily be fading. You may just be entering the part of a relationship where the flowers and candy are less frequent, and just hanging out seems to be more frequent. Every relationship has to pass the puppy-love phase at one time or another, and although it was nice to feel that head-over-heels feeling that once tied your stomach up in knots, relationships mature. Things between couples becomes more comfortable and relaxed. So, don't take this as a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but rather entering a more comfortable phase.
Well, I hope everything works out for you. Best wishes!
-RJGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both for your help i know from the last post that i do need to stop thats why i asked for help. the thing is he has never cheated on me but i had cheated on him at the beginning of our relationship maybe I'm looking to see if he gets revenge? I'm not sure but i told him last night that about all this snooping and he knows and he told me i have nothing to be worried about there is nothing wrong
he isn't the type of person to cheat.. his morals are very good
I'm not worried about him cheating its him lying about things stupid things
like for example
a month before we moved in together he told me that he was in debt
and a few months before we moved in a girl was stocking him and he kept from me that he went to her house and he didn't tell me till AFTER he moved in that devistated me
but as for getting the spark back i do know for a fact we do need to get it back he isn't as romantic as he was and when he comes home from work he just plays video games or goes on the computer when i want him to spend time with me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Although I really can't give you an answer as to why you feel this way and behave this way in the first place, what I can tell you is that you need to stop. The more you snoop and dig and pry, the more you need to continue doing so, because you're searching and finding nothing, no dirt, he's doing nothing wrong, and it drives you to look harder and harder to find something that's not there, but that you are completely convinced is there! Does that make any sense? Anyways, the point is, you keep looking harder because every time you look, you never find what you're looking for, which is evidence that he is cheating. You need to STOP snooping through his things. The less you snoop, the less you'll need to snoop. Just leave it alone. No matter how crazy it drives you at first. You being so suspicious is what is pushing him away from you. Don't drive him away with this. You must stop. I can't help but wonder what makes you think he is cheating, though. Did he do something to hurt your trust in the past? Only you can get to the root of this issue and figure out WHY you feel compelled to be so suspicious. The only advice I can give is to just quit digging through everything. Cold turkey. It may make you really anxious to do it at first, but isn't that better than pushing him away forever? Best of luck to you, sweety! I really hope things get better!
-RJGirl
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