A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (26) and I (22) have been together for ~9 months. This is my first ever relationship and, at this point, we're going pretty strong and live together. I feel more confident in my relationship that I ever have. Except for one thing.I feel ridiculously jealous of his ex-girlfriend, which is totally irrational and needs to be nipped in the butt ASAP. They dated for a few months during their undergrad and he no longer lives in the same state as her. As far as I know, she mysteriously broke up with him, giving no reason. This left him totally heartbroken as they were moving pretty quickly, wanting to get married and whatnot.I can't help (well, I can) to feel jealous of her. I've turned into a weird FB/Instagram stalker, comparing myself to her constantly. Thinking of them together makes me want to throw up because they appeared to be super into each other. Was she better in bed than me? Would he think that she looks good in this one photo? What if they cross paths again? There's a weird movie-like scenario playing in my head where I imagine them pining for each other and wanting to get back together. How do I stop these feelings?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2018):
 First thing you need to do is block the ex from all social media so that you cannot see her anymore. That is the first step of breaking this circle and getting better.
It is your first relationship and this is all new to you, I get that you feel jealous of the ex because well he is your first boyfriend and in your head you wish it was the same for him. Unfortunately this doesn’t always be the way. He has a past and you need to move on from that.
It’s great to see you know it is you that has the issue here so you can start working to accept help. Block her and try and concentrate on your relationship. If you want to talk to your boyfriend for reassurance then do so.
If you feel you cannot stop on your own then yes the next step is cbt.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (2 July 2018):
The first poster is right - except that it's normally called RETROACTIVE jealousy rather than retrospective jealousy. And some people call it retrograde jealousy.
But whatever it's called - it is a form of OCD and usually requires specialist intervention from a therapist or counsellor who deals with such issues
There's a lot of information on the internet about it. And a lot of information on this site if you can search for an "auntie" called YOS. He has written extensively on the subject albeit from a male point of view.
Fortunately, you have the understanding that it's YOUR problem. (Lots of sufferers think it's their partners problem or society's problem and hence don't seek help)
But there is one thing you MUST do and that's stop checking out the ex-girlfriends social media pages because this will make things worse..... The scenes you have playing in your head, they are a creation of your brain - they have no basis in fact and every time you check out her facebook page or instagram (or whatever) you are simply adding fuel to the fire and creating more images for you to stress over. More scenes that you won't be able to get out of your head. It doesn't help so you MUST stop.
And seek out some counselling
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2018): You are suffering from retrospective jealousy, i have the same kind of feelings and it is hell to deal with.
You are doing the right thing trying to keep it under control but i do think you would be helped by doing CBT counselling because it is an OCD behavior, i am currently on the waiting list to start it so i cannot say if it will help but it is the best option.
It is of course irrational thinking because you are confident of your boyfriend's love for you, but have a read about retrospective jealousy, there is lots on google about it and it will help you make sense of why you are thinking the way you are.
Best of luck
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