A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, everyone.I'm in a situation where there is nothing sexy going on at all. Romance seems to be way out of reach and I really don't remember the last time my girlfriend of ten years and I had sex. It was this year sometime.We have too much stuff for our small apartment and we both have problems staying accountable, so sometimes, like now, our living space is in disarray. It seems like there's always one room that's filled with junk. Right now it's the dining room. Much of this is laundry. I have asked my girlfriend on several occasions to sort through her laundry and pair it down, but she always seems to put it off somehow. The bedroom closet, "her" closet has been filled with the same old clothes of her grandmother's for three years. They never move. I have asked repeatedly for them to be cleaned out, but she never has. This is a small example of a much larger problem.I feel like if a room is to be cleaned, I have to do it. I cleaned the bedroom last week and the living room, today I'm cleaning the bathroom and scrubbing. She has been piddling "cleaning" the kitchen for three weeks. I don't know why it takes her so long.She likes to go to garage sales and buy little things (and sometimes big things) and I've asked with a smile and I've yelled and screamed that she get rid of something before bringing something new into the house. She always says she agrees, but never complies. This makes me never believe a word she says, even though I think she WANTS to comply, her brain just doesn't take care of the problem. She also says things like "tonight I'm going to do ________" then sits on Twitter and Facebook all evening. There's more junk than just laundry, but that's the big thing I'm thinking of right now.We have a pet bird that we've made clear is her responsibility. I already spend several hours a day dealing with it while I work from home. It craps all over parts of the apartment and she doesn't clean it up. We have divided our chores, and the bird poop is hers. She has agreed to always clean it up. I have no idea how to enforce her chores. I wait and wait, then I ask nicely or I finally boil over, but her reply is always an exasperated "Yeah, I know. I was planning to do that tonight" Or something similar. Then it either gets done or doesn't.About 2 years ago, things in the apartment were even worse than they are now. She was suffering from depression, she thinks, so when I repeatedly told her my precise gripes and they were ignored, I became pretty desperate for some sort of release. At the time, I was sleeping on half of a couch that was too small for us because the bedroom was filled with her dirty clothes, her junk, and bird crap. The bird lived in the bedroom and I didn't even want to go in there. Since she didn't take my concerns seriously,(or couldn't because of the depression) and wouldn't go to therapy, the right thing to do would have been to leave. Instead, I had an unplanned emotional affair.The whole thing devastated us emotionally and I am still confused and not fully recovered. The other woman has wanted to stay in contact, but I have ignored her, trying to give my relationship a real chance. The reason I stay is because I have heard many people say if you find someone who believes in you, you should do everything you can to keep them. My girlfriend, despite her faults, believes I will succeed in the difficult and competitive field I work in and always gives me moral support. She has had just as bad a two years as I have, and I have been trying to help her with her goals. I believe in her too. I believe she can succeed in her goals, but only if she changes her habits. I have no idea how to help her learn new habits or if it's even my place.So even though her inaction was part of what made me discontent enough to have an emotional affair, I can't bring that up as a way to try to get things done. In the past I have had a temper about things and now, if I even bring something negative up (I've reeled in the temper) she tells me to "stop being mad" or says "stop yelling!" Even if I'm talking plainly.She has gained a lot of weight in the last five years and while I have no interest in hurting her self esteem (it's not like she doesn't know she's gained weight or that it is hurting our sex life), it is not attractive and it really does nothing to make me want to have sex. Yes, I know that may seem shallow, but men are more visually stimulated. If I could choose to be attracted to a larger woman, I would. Also, being overweight makes it impossible for her to exhibit many of the subtle feminine graces she used to. It makes her seem clumsy. She is always on a diet and gets mad at me if I ask about the details of it. If she's eating something I think she shouldn't be, I've learned not to say anything. But it irritates me because she talks about her diets all the time then grabs these "harmless" snacks.When I was depressed recently, I stopped showering daily and stopped taking care of myself and she griped about it. What's the difference between the two scenarios? I am now feeling better and my good habits have returned.She talks to her bird like it's a child. This is very unattractive. There is nothing adult or sexually charged going on in our apartment. The emotional affair I had included lots of flirting, so I understand why it happened. Affairs seem to devastate people mentally. (they sure did me and my girlfriend) so I have no interest in that. I also have no opportunity because I work at home. Humans are psychological and emotional creatures so I have no idea if I actually would do it again if I had the opportunity. My needs are not being fulfilled. That I know.We went to therapy briefly but I have a hard time getting her to commit to it. She has been conditioned her entire life to not say what's on her mind to anyone and she thinks if she needs a therapist, that means she's weak and a failure. She thinks it's unimportant and is uninterested in me talking about what the "other women" meant to me, but everything I've read said that should have been done. It makes the pain from losing that close friend go unexpressed inside my head.It's clear my girlfriend is trying to improve, albeit very slowly. The anniversary of our "new beginning" is coming up in two months and nothing measurable has really changed in the apartment. I feel like setting her down and explaining that I feel this way and that I'm not going to live ANOTHER year this way so we both need to shape up even more. But, I won't do that because things like that make her shut down and cancel all progress. All I can do is acknowledge the progress she HAS made and try to encourage more. All the while masturbating.Back when I was having the emotional affair there was a one-week period where my girlfriend had been dieting and lost ten pounds and was sticking to it and the entire apartment was clean with everything in its place and I came home and thought "this is great! This could be my life!" And I distanced myself from the other woman because I was fulfilled at home. Then it all fell apart somehow at home and I spiraled back into the affair. It seems like the hope of how things COULD be drives me, rather than enjoying my life. I'm always hoping things will get better and so far I'm always disappointed.Anyway, I have no idea how to try to get my girlfriend to try to act more adult or sexier along with all this other stuff. I don't think "being sexy" is something she even cares about. I don't want to have to teach her to be sexy. I want her to do it on her own. I already have to try to get her to do so many other things. In her mind, she has me and we're happy together, no matter what.Thank you for your help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
 The biggest thing here is your girlfriend is pretty depressed..Hence the weight gain, loss of interest in activities such as sex, lack of motivation and appearance, and the only thing she enjoys is rummage sales and her bird. First and foremost she has to get therapy and pills for her depression..That's the biggest problem she has to tackle then the rest will fall into place. It's ok to go to a therapist, to admit you need help getting back to the way you used to be because depression has taken over your life. More or less it's a sickness that can be treated with therapy and medicine. However, she has to want to help herself before you can try to help her...this is something that she needs to do solo.
The pack rat part, often that's a bad habit to break and can take some time especially since she's always been like that. You ever watch the show Hoarders on A&E? It comes on Monday nights, these are extreme pack rat cases and every time I watch an episode I throw something out. Losing weight is something she has to do on her own, have you suggested a gym membership, going with her, or suggesting she call a friend to work out with? I would take over the cooking and find healthy recipes online. I use food.com they tell you all the nutrition content..Then once she loses weight she will start to feel sexy again and I will say that the lack of sex doesn't make her feel sexy either. Does she even initiate sex? Ultimately, you're going to have to get a game plan and sit her down to go over it. First, target the depression assure her it's ok to get help it doesn't mean your a failure or weak if she keeps letting this go on then she is getting nowhere in achieving goals or dreams. Next, tell her the extra stuff taking up space in your apartment could be emptied and turned into a workout room. Work with her sorting through stuff and taking it to Goodwill where it helps the workers keep their jobs and someone less unfortunate will be grateful to buy her treasures at a discounted price. Then turn the room into a small gym with a treadmill, bike, yoga mat, TV, a rack for her sweat towel, and maybe a small fridge for her water bottles. Or take the work outdoors, walking with her in the evenings. Then she will be on the right track to lose weight, so you can start to have sex with her again. Divide up the chores evenly, make a chart if you have to, offer incentives such as date night, going out to dinner, or buying her that cute wallet she's been eyeing. If she doesn't complete the dishes one night they will always be there the next. Point out that the bird pooping all over the house, makes for unsanitary living conditions and you guys could sick from the feces lying around. Either she puts the bird in a large cage and maintains her pet or she gets rid of it because she can't seem to take care of her responsibility. This is just a suggestion but you need to lay it all out for her and see what she says..either she wants to make this relationship work or it's the end of the road. You would have thought you straying away would have been a wake up call. Anyways, best of luck to you but you're going to have to give her a goal to work on.
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