A
female
age
51-59,
*outhern cross
writes:can anyone help me find out why my husband 46 won't get intimate or even have sex with me? This has gone on now for over 7 years now. Before it all stoped, when we did have sex, he humiliated me in telling me how to do what and when. He is a very controlling person and I never ever felt loved or satisfied ever after having sex with him. he keeps saying just have patience. how long still? he hugs me and kisses me( without the tounge ) now and then, and says he loves me. I am so unhappy. I am not ugly. I know I do not smell. what could be the reason? please anyone reply, I'll greatfully consider all your answers. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Narcissist's can behave in this manner, and possibly could explain the feeling of no love or real intamacy, they can also withhold sex and intamacy to feel in control and to belittle you and make you feel of no value. Emotional abuse comes in many many forms and often can be so indirect you don't even know OR are not sure that over the years someone has chipped away at you, your very sense of self. Really you should not be feeling confused after seven long years,he should be pulling his own hair out wondering what is wrong hmmmmmmmmmm
You should not be feeling like this,
you are still young and do not have to live without love.
GOOD LUCK :)
Spunky Monkey
A
female
reader, southern cross +, writes (22 May 2011):
southern cross is verified as being by the original poster of the question To all who have answered me so far. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have spoken with my husband directly what I expect and need. He knows it - all. Infact I managed to get him to speak to a therapist. We have been in counselling for about 3 Months. No sucess. I think why I am still around is because I didn't want my daughter growing up without a dad. I am so used to the emotional abuse thast I have unfortunately lost most of who I am. After finding this site I began to feel I'm not alone anymore. Someone out there cares about my feelings and I have now got a little bit more courage to takr further steps. He has this so called schoolfriend for so many years ( female). I wrote her a letter today finally telling her what my suspisions are. You are all right. I really do desearve beter than I'm getting. I'm a hard working loving and caring mother who always put her family first - me always last. I never go out, and through the years I have gained a lot of weight. I have been diagnosed with 2 illnesses which in turn compund to my weight. I was so miserable I saved up my money and underwent an OP to loose weight. I lost 20 Kilos and still nothing happened. It would seem I could paint my self purple and add in a few yellow dotts, he still won't tough me. I am so ashamed of myself. I feel so ugly and fat and unloved, yet the more I give love the less I get. I have made my first step by writing this letter to all of you and to his school friend ( so called ). I await her answer soon. I want to go to a gym and try to get into a little more shape, not that I'll ever look like 20 or 30 anymore. I used to be quite attractive, now.....I have really spoken openly and frankly to him about everything, I wasn't shy to speak about sex either. So yes I've done all I could do. I'm all done, or should I say un-done.Thank you all so very much for your inputs.Lovesouthern cross
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (21 May 2011):
 Strange, have patience after 7 years? You deserve an answer as to what is going on and the sooner you ask him flat out what the deal is, the sooner you can resolve the issue. It sounds like Abella offers some solid suggestions as to the reason.
Have you tried upping your game? Perhaps dress up sexy or go out of town for a night in a hotel. Do you spend time together and do you try to arouse him when you are in bed together? Can he achieve an erection?
It sounds like there are other issues here as well. You say that you never felt loved, even when you made love before.
If I were you, I'd have a talk with your husband and have a heart to heart. He isn't fulfilling his role as the husband and making you feel loved. You may want to try and write him a letter expressing your thoughts and feelings if you are afraid to speak your mind.
You may want to read together, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. Your husband must be willing to participate as well, but that book might help the two of you through this turmoil you are experiencing.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 May 2011):
 Your husband may have Erectile Dysfunction and he knows it and does not want the humiliation of this to be discovered by you. If so get him to the Doctor on any pretext and get it checked. There are things the Doctor could suggest.
Is he on high blood pressure medication or does he have diabetes? These could affect his ability to get an erection.
Does he still wake up erect or never now? The Doctor needs to know these things.
Your husband may have received a medical diagnosis of a STD - sexually transmitted Disease that could be a dnger to you and just does not have the courage to tell you - especiaally if he contracted it from another sexual partner.
Has you husband started to show more interest in males instead of females? That could explain it partially?
Or has your husband put on a lot of weight? Get the Doctor to check his hormone levels.
Or has your husband put on so much weight that physically he cannot find the energy to enjoy sex the way he did before - if so put him on a strict diet and more walking outside.
Does your husband have a girlfriend you do not know about? If yes get better awareness of his assets and liabilities, account numbers and where ever assets exist - do not warn him you are doing this - then see a lawyer. To divorce him.
Or is your controlling husband just punishing you for some real or imagined slight by you against him, in his opinion.
Get yourselves off to the Doctor who could refer you to a therapist to work through counselling to try to deal with these insecurities.
Deep down I think your husband is just trying to hurt you and control you and keep you waiting, just because he is too insecure to be a real and loving man to you. And you DO deserve much better treatment than this.
...............................
A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (21 May 2011):
 He could have fallen out of love and doesn't want to admit it.7 years is way too much for a couple not to be having intimate moments. How long will you continue being so unhappy?He could also be getting what he needs from somewhere else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): He could have Asperger's syndrome or something similar..he sounds a lot like my grandfather. I know a few people with mild forms of it as well and they all struggle with social interactions and often with the physical side of relationships. Or he could just really not like the physical side..some people are like that. Discuss with him that you are not feeling loved and that you both need to come to a compromise about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 May 2011):
 I hope this helps, Over the years(we've been married 46 yrs), I've gone through those phases also. I can attribute my "phases" to guilt, since I did have sex with another women...not saying that's your issue though. just try to express a possible reason(now don't "go postal" on him with no facts other than some anon. guy on the internet.Another possibility is what they advertise on TV as "low T" low testosterone(starts to happen around your man's age of mid 40s.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): you seem to be a decent person and I really sympathize with you and understand your predicment and surprised a little that you still want to be intimate with him despite his controlling atitude. There could be many reasons for him not wanting to be intimate:1- he could be suffering from erectile dysfunction ED which is quite common in men of his age group and is embarrassed to tell you about.2- he could be under stress for some reason again he is too embarrassed to talk about.3- maybe he is not attracted to you sexually anymore which is also quite common in couples who have been married for along time. again this has nothing to do with you being unattractive or smelling not good. it is to do with having the same thing for too long even if it is good becomes boring sometimes. unfortunately as men have to have erection to be able to have sex so there is no way to fake how they feel.4- he could be having an affair.in all cases you have to discuss the matter frankly between you two and you must be and act very understanding to what he is being through and try to find a solution to his problem. good luck.
...............................
|
