A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I have been dating a friend of mine who confessed that hes had feelings for me for a year now, and since I just got out of a toxic relationship he said he had to tell.me how he felt before I started dating someone else, hes a great guy, very sweet, calm different from what I'm use to but I'm not attracted to him. Hes doesn't live a healthy lifestyle and at the risk of sounding shallow hes physically not my type. I encourage him to work out and have helped him to eat better, but he has to walk his own path. I care for him alot but the fact that there no physical attraction makes me feel like maybe hes not "my guy". Not sure what to do.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): I am going to say I agree with fatherly advice's first part of the comment:
"There is a fair chance that part of what is unattractive about very sweet great guy, is that he isn't dangerous enough to feel powerful or interesting to you.
Which is how so many people get into toxic relationships."
I was in your place a few years ago. I didn't feel the chemical attraction like I had in the toxic relationship I had come from. Let me say that with time and patience I learned that devotion and security is EVERYTHINg and WAY better and more lasting than kind of explosive chemistry. Attraction can grow if you give it a chance. It is more important to have someone kind and caring for the day to day-- for a lifetime. Now it is a different story if you really are turned right off by this fellow, then yes you would have to let him go. If you are really a fitness nut and he is always going to be pudgy then I doubt it will work. But I think you should give it a chance.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2020):
 I agree with a few different statements from different aunts and uncles,
1, I don't think you should be dating just yet. You have some baggage you need to unpack and work through first.
2, He isn't your guy. TRUST your gut there. He might be a GREAT guy but not THE great guy for you, and that is OK.
3, Don't date someone because THEY are interested in you, if you aren't really feeling the same kind of "zing" back.
Let him down gently, don't offer friendship because that is unfair to him. I'd probably tell him that you feel you aren't in the right place to be dating. Which is true. I would NOT tell him it's because he is unfit and unhealthy. He knows that he is, but hasn't gotten to a point where that matters to him. Let him, like you said walk his own path.
It happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2019): If you're not physically-attracted to the guy, and have the heart to give such an unpleasant description of him; after he just confessed romantic-affection toward you. Please explain why you're leading him on?
It's okay to be flattered by his confession; but it is cruel to bask in his affection and feelings for you. Just because it makes you feel desirable and feeds your vanity.
It is wrong on all levels to ever pursue a romance under false-pretenses, or with ulterior-motives. It is unfair to let him grow even more attached; knowing you're just going along with it, because you feel sorry for him. It is even worse to pretend you like someone; with intent of doing a makeover, or changing them into someone else. If he doesn't come equipped with what you like and need in a man; you are not a god, and you have no right to recreate or mold him into "your type!" Nor would he have any right to do that to you!
Considering how women loathe and object to how some men scrutinize and objectify the female-body and their appearance. To the degree it moves them to outright-protest and political-advocacy! Nothing undoes a justified-cause more than hypocrisy!
If you just want to make the guy a makeover-project; then let him know that's what this is all about. You'd like to be his lifestyle guru! Don't lead him into believing you reciprocate the feelings he has for you. He's not a convenient "male-chaperone" to be exploited, until you find a better replacement! Only to break his heart!
You have no justified-cause or right to toy with the guy's affections.
Be honest, inform him you don't feel the same; and help him to detach his infatuation. Let him know that he's a wonderful person; but not really your type in the romance-department. He's a grown-man, and he will just have to deal with the truth.
To do otherwise, would mean you are using and manipulating his feelings to your advantage. Don't play him along! It's mean-spirited!!!
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (31 December 2019):
 So then, he's not your guy.
Trust your gut. If he's not your guy, he's not your guy. Move on and since you're freshly out of a break up, you can enjoy being single, cultivating a rich beautiful life and enjoying things before diving back into dating.
Your guy is the guy you chose to be with. Never let a guy guilt you into being with them. I have plenty of guy friends how are interested and do as your guy did, guilt me or try to convince me. I smile and just say Kindly were not a match but I would love to remain friends only.
If they don't want remain friends, he can walk out door. I do not chase.
3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2019): Of course he's not 'your guy'. If you hadn't been thinking about him 'that way' then the only reason you are TRYING to now, is because he has expressed interest in you.
It sounds as if you are desperate for someone to love and comfort you and make you feel better. I know, I've been there. But in my opinion, you would only be leading him on and wasting both of your time.
If there is no physical chemistry there, then you may as well date your friend, which is what you would be doing.
Unfair on him. When you DO meet someone you have any feelings for, this guy will be history. You know that. Don't put him through that, just because you want someone to love. He's not it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (31 December 2019):
 Perhaps you shouldn't be diving into dating anyone yet, OP. As you said; you've only just got out of a toxic relationship. It's not fair to you or others to date yet. Be single and heal for 6 months or so.
Learn to enjoy being single, then find a kind man you are attracted to, but do watch out for red flags, to try to avoid another toxic partner - they usually hide it well, but there are still red flags sometimes.
Out of curiosity, do you live a healthy lifestyle? Balanced diet? Very few takeaways or eating out? Exercising daily? Very little alcohol? No smoking? It's okay if not, but you shouldn't really ask more of a partner than you do yourself.
Let your friend down gently. Say that you really care about him, but it's not going to work out and you need to be single for a while. Then actually be single for a while.
Good luck for the new year.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 December 2019):
 Dear "not sure what to do",
My advice is that you pick a guy that is sweet and attractive. There is a fair chance that part of what is unattractive about very sweet great guy, is that he isn't dangerous enough to feel powerful or interesting to you.
Which is how so many people get into toxic relationships.
I agree that getting into a relationship with a guy that you don't want to touch is never going to work long term. The only thing that could be said for it is that it would be better than an abusive partner.
Please take this advice from a short fat balding man, Don't try to fake it. There are plenty of healthy men who are healthy emotionally as well.
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