A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 15 years. Beginning of marriage the sex life was great. Then all of sudden I had to wear a condom didn't want me to orgasm inside her. The kissing stopped was only just a peck on the cheek or lips. Once a month she has dinner and drinks with her girlfriends and is gone for 3 hours. I have reserved a room to have a romantic getaway in which I performed oral on her then I received manual release from her. I work out of town gone for week and half only to come home and it's a hug and then that's it. The week I am home try to be intimate but it's usually don't feel good or allergies acting up. Need advice !!!!!
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affair, condom, kissing, orgasm, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): If you changed the words from 'wife' to 'husband' in your question, then all the female responders would be saying 'no man can be trusted.' Well, in my experience, women can't be trusted either. Trust your gut feeling, if you think something's going on, it probably is.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 Her not wanting you to orgasm inside her could that be because she doesn't want to get pregnant? It could also be that she is prone to yeast infections but she is to embarrassed to discuss it with you either way it is her choice if she wants to involve a condom or not.
As for her going off you, have you spoke to her about your worries? Have you told her you feel that there is no passion and intimacy in the marriage? Have you both tried to work on it?
If she has a low libido it could be one off many reasons causing it, I can name a few, maybe she is unhappy with her body, maybe she has depression, maybe she is stressed, maybe she is hormonal, maybe she is reaching menopause, maybe she does not have much of a sex drive. The list goes on.
Did the sex life just stop all off a sudden? If so how was the marriage around that time? You mention she goes out for three hours each week do you worry she could be cheating or do you trust her?
It is clear that you both need to work on your marriage, your needs are obviously not being met and you need to open up to her about how you feel.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 November 2017):
 I don't think that the possibility of an affair is as low as you are being told. She has means and opportunity. Motive is the question. She is telling you (through her actions) that one of three things is true.
1 She doesn't love you.
2 She is not interested in sex.
3 she is not interested in sex with you.
I would seriously suggest that you find out what she is doing, before you confront her. Confronting gives her an opportunity to hide her activity. Before you can do anything to solve the problem, you need to know which of the three above statements is true. If it is one or three, it is a much better choice to pursue divorce rather than repair.
If it is Number 2, then it is time to learn about menopause. The first and most important thing you will learn is that it is different for every woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): If you do what Tyler suggests without asking if that's what she'd like, you run the risk of losing her completely. Lots of women would like to be passionately grabbed by our partners sometimes, but doing it with no warning at a time where we're clearly stressed/distant, would put a lot of us off completely and question if it's all about what you want.
Find out WHY she feels the way she does, not just push yourself on to her.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (9 November 2017):
 I'm no love therapist but I'm winging it when I say it may be possible that your wife wants you to be more aggressive with her. Turn on that macho, bravado charm. Tell her what to do, grab her around the waist and plant and big one on her, spice up your sex life, be naughty, do something new, get a makeover, building some muscle, change up your wardrobe, give her something to be thrilled about.Women operate from emotion. When a woman starts acting cold without any clear explanation it means there is an emotional disconnect. She's annoyed by something you're not doing or bring into her life. Yes, it's possible she may be cheating, but if she is really hanging with the girls, that means they're all yapping about their lives with there husbands and all the great stuff they wish they would do to them.From your words you sound....obedient. Like you put up with whatever she throws at you and don't question or attempt to justify why she does the things she does with you. Women like men who take charge and makes them feel like sexual damsels in distress. Or you could try the whole reverse psychology routine. Ignore her for a bit, give a extra big smile and greeting to the pretty neighbour next door, dress up extra nice, don't call her too often. Make her panic for a second. It's a bit risky but it could workout in your favour.All the best.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 In reference to your wife having an affair, it's highly unlikely, but again, you will only know the truth when you and she sit down and have an open discussion regarding all your concerns.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (9 November 2017):
I'm unsure as to what age your wife is, however, as you're in your 40s, i suspect your wife is in her 40s too.
If your wife is in her mid to late 40s, chances are she's going through peri-menopause or menopause itself.
If you know little or nothing about this life cycle of a woman, then i suggest you do a bit of personal research and educate yourself.
It really will help you to understand many factors surrounding menopause.
I work in the medical field and as soon as i read your post, the first thing i thought was "menopause".
Obviously, i cannot be 100% certain, however, i would advise you to sit down with your wife, when the opportunity presents itself and have a gentle and respectful discussion with her regarding why she's no longer wanting to have sex with you and why she's wanting you to wear a condom and not ejaculate inside her.
Considering you've both been married a long time and used to have a healthy sex life, it is quite strange.
If your wife is going through menopause, then all her seemingly "odd" behaviours, would definitely explain why she's been acting this way toward you.
You won't know until you speak to her directly, so do this as soon as you can.
Often when mature women are going through menopause, they choose not to tell their partner, for a wide variety of reasons.
Some of those reasons may be because she's dealing with it personally and because she finds it too difficult and too painful to talk about with anybody else, even her partner.
She may be feeling a deep sense of loss, a sense of grief about losing a big part of her youth, her fertility and even her physical appearance, because menopause often changes a woman's physical appearance.
A woman tends to age more rapidly during the latter stages of menopause and certainly thereafter, whereby her skin will begin to lose it's elasticity and there may be more drooping and sagging, on some or many parts of her body.
Usually the breasts, the face, neck and hands are the first areas to age and show signs of wrinkles, loose and/or sagging skin.
The main issue for your wife though and i'm guessing, what may be causing her lack of interest in "normal sex" with you, may be because of vaginal dryness.
If she's going through her menopause, she may be getting more vaginal dryness and doesn't feel very comfortable telling you and she may not even be feeling as "horny" and as "sexy" within herself, because she's not getting as aroused as she once did.
She may have suggested the condom because you'd need to use lubricant with the condom and that would make love making easier, without you being aware of the root cause and perhaps "commenting" on that root cause, which may really hurt her feelings.
Again, my comments are merely hypothetical, because i have no idea what's really going on, however, i have a strong intuition that she is going through menopause.
Talk to her and be kind and gentle with her.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 OP, that's your reality of what you do, but hers may be different. That's why you need to ask her what's wrong and probably see a marriage counsellor.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 I have to agree with other aunts that say just to ask her what´s wrong. She is your wife after all. I think that if you just ask, you may find the answer that you´re looking for as we cannot give you a clear answer based on the information that you´ve given us.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 November 2017):
There will be no solution to this problem until you understand what is going on with her. At this point, all you and we know is that it could be countless factors...perhaps a combination of them.
Start checking on marriage counselors in your area. Some may want to see you first, or perhaps they'll see you as a couple if you can get her to go to one. But first, we have a great source of wisdom in the internet. A Google search for "sexless marriage" brings up over a half million links. I suggest educating yourself there before you go to a professional...armed with some knowledge you will make much better use of any time you spend with a professional.
Another possibility is any of her friends you may be able to discuss this with. I wouldn't be surprised if she has discussed this situation with someone around her.
It sounds like both of you have been very silent in regard to talking about the underlying problem. Is there a reason you haven't sat down and talked? She is certainly troubled by the fact that you are being starved for intimacy...no woman wishes that on a man she loves. She really needs to come forward with some answers and she knows it.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (8 November 2017):
You can ask her what is going on. There are many reasons your wife could have gone off you including menopause. But you’ll never know unless you ask. She may be angry or defensive. She may tell you nothing is wrong. Remember relationships have ups and downs. Yours may be in a down cycle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe communicate every chance we have. When I am away working I send her emails and flowers. When I arrive back home take her to dinner, movies, ask her whatever she wants to do we will do. No don't insist believ I mentioned try. But thanks for your input.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (8 November 2017):
 I don't see any evidence of her cheating.
Have you asked why she is cold? How well do you two communicate & express feelings? Have you tried to make her open up and express her self? Have you two talked about rekindling the old spirit of flirting and doing exciting things together? Women want to be desired, so do you make her feel that way on consistent basis? Have you talked about her health.? She is of age that hormones can go bad. Men in their 40 have half the amount of sex hormones then in 20 and women are no different. How's her appearance? Has she gained weight or is she in anxiety of aging? 40s is when people realize that youth is gone and can have midlife crisis?
So it could be tons of things but all of them boil down to the fact that you insisting on getting it on when you are available, in the mood and willing is probably not working. Start thinking how to find ways to please her and perhaps sex will come naturally?
Just some ideas to think about.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 November 2017):
OP, why shouldn't you wear a condom? That really isn't a sign she's distancing from you, especially if you can still get her pregnant.
Also, I'm not sure why you mentioned her going out once a month, as that's not remotely frequent. Is it an issue for you?
How often do you do nice things for each other? How often do you do it for her without hoping for intimacy in return? It's possible she senses that your desperate for intimacy and she feels too much pressure, so it's putting her off.
It's also possible that, if she's a similar age to you, she's started or going through the menopause, which can drastically reduce libido and self-confidence.
I think you should ask her, but not in an attempt to persuade her to change. Ask for her general well-being.
If it's hormonal or medical, perhaps a doctor can help her feel better, which *may* improve things between you, but the primary focus should be her feeling better.
If it's not medical or hormonal, perhaps marriage counselling is the way to go, in an attempt to find out why she is distant, to see if you can both work towards improving how you make each other feel.
I don't think you'll solve this alone. I also don't think this will be all on her.
Communicate, OP.
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