A
female
age
51-59,
*rim
writes:Dear CupidIn March i wrote to you and i got very helpful responses from other members. Last month i was ready to move out and he cried begging me not to move after i found sms's in his phone that he's been sending his so called ex-girlfriend. I am still thinking of moving out but something is holding me or i'm scared of losing him. The more i see that staying with him is destroying me financially and emotionally and because of his lies, the more i'm falling in love with him.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Hey Prim,
You took the first step. Brave thing to do. You will go through some very tough and lonely times. But as long as you know this, you should be able to cope. Realize that this relationship was making you physically ill.
It is not easy being alone when you have been with someone but you really owe it to yourself to take some time and learn about yourself. What are you needs, what do you want, what makes you happy. This time is all about you. Only when you love yourself will you be ready to love someone else.
You will be afraid, yes but realize that breaking up is part of being in a relationship, most times. We build, we bond, we learn, and sometimes what we learn is that it's not right. Could be either party learning this. That is why there are so many jilted love songs. Sadly, all good things don't last forever. When you accept this, it will be easier to forgive the past and create a future.
Personally, I left my long term marriage a year ago and fell for a guy who wasn't good for me. Dated a few guys because I thought I needed to be with someone and thought it would make me forget the guy I wanted. But the dates just made me sad (they weren't him) and actually miss the guy I wanted more. The past few months I've not dated, still miss the guy but I am generally happier, caring for myself. I don't know when I will be ready for a new relationship. I am 49 and I still have hope there is someone out there who will love and respect me. And yes, I am afraid that I will be hurt again. But the rewards far outweigh the pain I may feel.
You take care and please stay strong. It can all be good again. We are all witness to that.
A
female
reader, Prim +, writes (13 June 2008):
Prim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Cupid
Writing to you and getting response/advice from other readers was the best thing to do. On the 25.5.08 i was admitted at the hospital and was diagnosed with severe tension headache. After coming out of hospital we had an arguement and i had the courage and strength to move out, and he was not even there when i moved out on 31.5.08. Eversince i moved he has never bothered to call nor did i. I am now afraid of entering into another relationship in case i get hurt again.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (16 May 2008):
I can not top Irish49's advice. You are staying because you are afraid and because this is the pattern to which you have become familiar with.
Big mistake if you stay. Even though you are in your 40's you still have a lot of excellent years ahead of you and why not spend them being good to you. Even if you are alone for the remainder of your years, it certainly beats what you've got going on. And then there is the added bonus of maybe finding someone who will treat you like a queen!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Dear, you are an older woman, who is making the classic, stupid mistakes so many women do. They can let go of a man who lies to them and destroys them, emotionally. So why are you on this self-destructive path? Because you are fearful, you are needy and you 'have' to find your self-respect. When you tolerate a man's poor treatment of you---you get caught up in that foolish rationalization that 'you can't live without him'. Be aware that your way of thinking is most usually a way to hide from reality and from life and from your own courage at doing the best thing for yourself. Fear is controlling you. You are staying with this man who does not love you, because you 'fear' being alone which seems daunting, painful and challenging to you. What a big price to pay, to feel wanted when in reality you aren't desired at all. His behaviors and actions are screaming that loudly, no matter howe much he cries and begs you to stay. You are a convenience to him-that is all. Get rid of him and you will get your strength, pride and life back. Do it...heal, recover and never allow this to happen to you again. Good luck and look after YOU!
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