A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys.I'm sorry. My story is a little bit long and I'm not good at English but I try to write as well as I can. Therefore, it might be hard to read for some guys. Pleaser read this story all and give me a good advice whether I should move on or not. To be honest, I don't want to break up. I want to save my relationship and to be happy with my partner forever.I'm an asian gay man, 37 year old who's been living in the states for 3 years. And my partner is american guy who's 60 year old. Yeah, I like older guys. We met each other at work in S.Korea and then I moved to the states to live with him. My partner divorced and has 4 grown-up children, they are all grownups. Include his exwife, they usually meet together often, such as having dinner together, bithday parties and of course holidays. He offered me sometimes to join with them but I didn't because to me, it's just uncomfortable. I don't mind him spending time with his family a lot. Who does mind? His father figure was the first thing I fell in love with. He cares his family so much. But the problem is I don't think he cares much about me. Specifically, he never cooks for me but his family. I asked him, "Why don't you cook for me sometimes?" Then he said, "I hate cooking". That's all. I try not to think about that matter although I cook for him not everyday but a lot because I like him a lot and most of all, he's 60, he will not change. But it's not easy to get over it. Especially, when I work or help for his family's house for repairing or anything. I feel I'm a asian slave. Not only because the fact that he's not cooking for me. There's another reason which is his smoking. He smokes a real lot. I also smoke but a few cigaretts a day and sometimes not. Actually I quit smoking before I met him before. So what is the problem of his smoking? he doesn't smoke when he's with his family. I can't make him stop smoking but I tried to when we went to road trip before. But He just ignored me. All I asked was "please don't smoke in the car, not all day, all I want is early in the morning." But he just ignored me and kept smoking. All I could do was just crying. I really cried but he didn't even mind. So those two things, cook for his family but me, not smoke for his family but me, keep making me think that he may think of me as his slave. A couple of days ago. He asked me to work another job for his daugther's house which is renovating now. I've been working for that house so long and he knows that I don't want to work for that house any more. So, at this time, he lied to me, "It wouldn't take so long. Just for an hour". So, I went there but turned out I had to work a lot more than he said and I'm still so angry for that now because I feel like I am a slave. Further more, he lied again. That's another problem of his. He lies a lot and he didn't even feel guilty. I try to think it's just old men thing because I know old men usually lie a lot but funny thing is he doesn't even think that he lies. Today, he kept asking me why i am angry. so i told him "why do I have to work for your family although you don't want to cook for me. I don't mind working for your family if you cook for me sometimes but in this situation I feel so bad so I don't want to work." But at this time he said to me like this. "Why the cooking thing is so important to you?". So I told him, "then why are you always thinking about cooking for your family, always script the recipies for them?" but he just said it's not important and blame me. He always says like that, "what's more important?"It seems to me, everything about me is not important for him and makes me think more about that i'm being here as a slave. We don't talk each other right now and I'm thinking move on. As far as concer, when I think something for him, he thinks something for family not me. But I have some issues about being negative and I sweat on small stuffs a lot So now I really don't know what to do.Please help me.
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at work, divorce, ex-wife, fell in love, his ex, move on, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, guys.
I didn't know that I could reply to my question until I've posted my new question. I'm sorry about that.
Anyway, Thank you guys a lot for your answers. I really appreciate that. And Just for the lady who answered me first, I leave the web address that I've post another question. Thanks again.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-this-one-of-the-tsigns-of-my.html
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): as far as cooking matters i could help you.you could just cook for your self eat it and pop off to sleep.dont cook for him a few days.but dont speak about the dumping part. i understand what you are going through.just dont keep on thinking about it always or you will feel sick.so you could pass your time with music or something.you could go out to have lunch or dinner if you wish.remember to ask him for his company just once.if he replies no,you could go alone.and if he replies yes you could take him with you and later ask him to pay the bill.you could play crazy pranks with him.but not too much or you will be dumped.understand.if you are hurt about his smoking matters,youcould think of tackling it later.so start with the cooking matter and make him realise you are not his servant.and when he realises this he himself would stop acting so ridiculously.ther are many other ways to tackle such situations.so keep on writing here and if i see your message here may be i can help you.and i warn you dont let him come to know that you asked for advice to tick him off.so be careful and avoid any sort of extra nuisance.i too wish you luck.iam a small girl and dont know about the outside world.i also cant believe someone could be so inhuman.i also feel that if i say that i pitty you ,i would be wrong.but if i say you should make him feel that you too have a backbone.then en i think that may be i gave you the correct advice.bye for now.i have given enough of lectures and mt hand pains too after typing so much.bye for now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): I don't think that you are a slave or that you are being treated as one. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do and he is not forcing you to do it. He is asking you. You can tell him no.
When you went to his daughter's house you could have quit after an hour or two. If you are not getting paid then even more so.
You need to stop crying and get a backbone. You have to learn to negotiate and to say NO. You should ask him to cook for you and in response you will help him with something. It should be tit for tat. You should be exchanging responsibilities so that your relationship can grow. If it is as unbalanced as you portray then it can only sink.
Right now you "father figure" partner is showing you disrespect. He doesn't value you and he does not listen to your pleas. He is stepping all over you. He won't cook, he smokes in your face and he lies to you. Unless you get him to turn around you should dump him. In fact you should tell him that if he doesn't start listening to you and being a partner as opposed to a task master you will leave.
Given all you have said I wouldn't be surprised if he told you to go too, because he is that type from what you have described.
Below i a google search:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=ZdC&q=how+to+negotiate+in+your+relationship&btnG=Search&aq=f&oq=&aqi=
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 August 2009):
 I consider lies to be a total deal breaker. Anyone who lies to my face and doesn't even feel guilty is not someone I want to be with. The not cooking is bad, but he may feel obligated to continue doing something like that for his family. The smoking...that's a potential deal breaker too, especially since he won't even compromise a little. He also sounds like he doesn't take responsibility for the problems in the relationship.
I don't see this working out for you. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
Good luck with everything.
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