A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Just like so many others, i am having a problem of choosing between two guys. 4 years ago i met this guy, J. we became the closest of friends, alternating which one of us liked the other more than friends but always one or both of us not wanting to ruin the amazing friendship we had(this happened to our other best friend, with J). after knowing each other for 3 years, we decided to take the chance and go for it, but it felt to awkward after holding bac those feelings for so long, and decided to remain 'just friends'. shortly after, i met N. We instantly clicked, and started dating the next day. My family loved him, he fit into my life so easily, plus he was so sweet and romantic, and we could tell each other anything. Partway through the past year, J shared with me his true feelings, and told me he loved me(i knew this but had never been told). This confused me because although i was perfectly happy with N, this was what i had wished for, for 3 years. N and J are completely different guys. N is romantic and shy and somewhat clingy and needy, whereas J is independant, fun and shy on the inside(he covers it up). I decided that although i do love J, it is friend love, and a fun guy is best as a friend, and romantic as a boyfriend. N and I shared a wonderful year together, celebrating each month with dinner and a bouqet of roses(the number of months we'd been dating). He is so sweet but recently i find myself getting annoyed with him very easily and finding him very clingy and demanding(with his emotions). I've also been spending a lot of time with J, and my old feelings have started to come back. N still believes that he and i are meant to be and will get married and have the perfect 'white picket fence' kind of life together. I used to believe this too, but now i don't know if i want that. I can't tell if:-being annoyed with N is just a phase-my feelings for J are causing the annoyance with N-my feelings for J are caused by my wanting something different-the two feelings have nothing to do with each other-my subconscious is just looking for trouble because N has become boring to me-or any other optionAll i know is that i am VERY confused and would appreciate any advice a.s.a.p.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also want to add that initially me and N had agreed that we wanted to wait to become sexually active until marriage or at least a very long very serious relationship. but recently he has been acting like he wants more and like I'm horrible for not moving further into that type of relationship. i do not appreciate the way that he implies that I'm depriving him of something that he thinks he should have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTotally forgot i posted this question but remembered now that i have had a relapse of the problem. things have been just going along as is, but now things have come up again. N is a year younger than me, so when i went to college this year(still in my hometown), N is still in highschool, but J is my age and at college with me(different program tho). N still loves me but i find he is constantly upset about something, whether it be me or something else. he is always complaining and cranky. everything i say seems to upset him, because he takes everything extremely personally. for example if he says something and i disagree and say my opinion, he gets all annoyed and acts like and tells me that i'm treating him like he doesnt know anything. during all of this i am maintaining a friends-only relationship with J, but fighting my feelings i do have for him. at lunch the other day, J told me, halfway through another conversation, he told me he's still waiting for me, for a second chance. i told him it's not about a second chance, it's because i'm dating N. the next day he was telling me he doesnt want to have to wait for me any more, and seems really sad and like he really wants me. he has been extremely patient in the past year and a half, feeling that i would come back to him, and the truth is, i do love him. i feel like my heart loves J but my brain loves N. when i think about 'meant to be' type relationships, i think of J. but i feel like N would be the more logical choice. i don't want to give up what i already have because i'll never get it back or at least it won't be the same. i'm just really unsure about what i want, and don't want to have to make a choice like that right now, but i also don't want to make J wait around. i also get jealous when J dates or hangs out with other girls, but that could be a friend thing, fear of loss... but i also don't know how i would feel about N dating others or anything like that... i just feel so confused and i don't know if i'll ever be able to make this decision... i love J but i just can't let go of the functional relationship that i have with N.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): OH MY GOD!
lol this is my situation!!!!! 4 years with my friend 'j' too! and it was soo hard to make a choice.
i kno that whatever im going to tell you, you probs wont take on board-because deep down your amazed by 'j'
the reason for why you prob get anoyed with 'n' is because you feel that he is not as good as 'j'-even tho there has never been no romance with 'j' you have an amazing connection.
my answer for you (which amazed me as well) would be to choose 'n'.
'j' is your friend-once you have crossed ova the friendship line and if your relationship doesnt work out-you will prob loose 'j's' respect as well as friendship. it seems to me that he's playin games with you. is he even ready for commitment?
whereas 'n' seems as tho he would do anything for you-hes admitted his feelings for you. it is very rare to find a guys like 'N' and if you let go of him-you may just find wishing you had him back.
ive learnt to watch my 'J' grow closer to other people, hes had plenty of girlfriends, and at times it killed me. even tho he acted like a 'player'- he always told me his true feelings-he was soo nice and genuwine-but i always told myself that i was lucky to have the privledge of him coming to me for help and advice-i was lucky to be called one of his best mates.
i bet you can say anything to your 'N' and not get judged by him. try spending less time with J for a couple of weeeks and see how you feel-you could lata do the same with N.
either way, even tho you wish you could ( cuz beleive me i did...) you cant have the best of both worlds!
love and god bless friend x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I think you are getting annoyed with N because he is too clingy and the reason for that is because you hang around a lot with J, which makes him insecure because you could get up to anything when you're alone together. What makes it worse is that you and J have/had feelings for each other...
I think you need to decide who you think you would have a happier relationship with...
Look at there good and bad points...
J-Good Points...
J-Bad Points...
N-Good Points...
N-Bad Points...
Perhaps you love J because you think it will make everything more exciting because you have tired of N's constant clingyness.
Maybe you should call a break with your relationship and see where that leads you... You could find you miss him or you could decide you would sooner be with J.
I wish you the best outcome.xx :)
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