A
male
age
36-40,
Daniel the love doctor
writes:Do you have a fear that prevents you from getting into- or maintaining a good relationship? Well it’s not as uncommon as you may think. There are actual terms for these conditions.Such as…1. Pistanthrophobia. Also known as the fear of trusting people. Common problems include: not opening up to someone because of experiencing hurt/betrayal in the past, suspicious thoughts which may turn into some type of action (which includes but not limited to: constant calling to check where a person is at- or what they’re doing, constantly starting unnecessary arguments, name calling, or at extreme, stalking behavior), and a feeling of losing that person. Many people who have trusted someone in the past only to feel regretful about it also complain of others who have in some way took advantage of their trust. So as a result they put all men or women into one bad category.2. Philophobia. Also known as the fear of falling in love. Common problems include: been hurt in the past, and not knowing if the person they’re with really does love them back (or as much as they do). With this huge fear also comes the fear of rejection. Because they’ve been hurt in the past or their feeling were not well received, they’ve decided not to show their emotions (when it comes to relationships) ever again. Many also expect things to at some point take a turn for the worst. So they think …“why even try?”3. Commitment-phobia. Also known as the fear of commitment. The Latin term for this is commitorum-metus. Common problems include: scared of taking things to next level, staying in a relationship too long, putting a title on ones-self (such as: boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc). Nervousness is the main problem for commitment-phobic people. So they usually act irrationally when it comes to relationships. They may lie, cheat, or hurt someone emotionally- just so they find some way to get out of the relationship before it gets too serious.Here’s the solution…you have to understand that whatever it is that’s holding you back from meeting someone or potentially having a good relationship, it’s all within your control. Start loving, trusting, and committing to making yourself a better person first. And then start allowing others the chance to show you what they are about. There are many wonderful, loving, faithful people out there that are waiting for the opportunity to not only get to know you- but to show you how much they care. Allow yourself to be happy. You deserve it.In addition you should also seek out the help of a therapist, relationship coach, positive family member, or friend that could help you through the difficult times. Just know that you’re worthy of love- and you have the potential to get into a loving, successful relationship. Just start by opening up now to the idea of it.
View related questions:
stalking Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (11 August 2011):
Daniel the love doctor is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Odds! Thank you for your well written, and thought out answer. I appreciate your comments- and agree with many things that you have said.
I just want to comment on some of your comments if I may...
I agree that we shouldn't believe that most people have a problem if they don't trust or commit to us at the time that we want them to. But if we haven't given them a reason to not trust us (such as "forgetting to pick them up a the airport", "flaking on the second date", or the big one, "lying about our sexual history")then there shouldn't be a reason for them to be skeptical.
And yes everyone makes mistakes, it's human nature. However what I'm really talking about is the people who have been through things in the past. Whether it's issues that stem from childhood (maybe they've been hurt in some way by a family member or friend in the past and they learn not to trust anybody), or from a previous failed relationship. Either way- they choose not to give people a chance. Things like that happen very often...and much more than it should.
While you should definitely take your time to love, trust, and commit to an individual, you shouldn't hold someone accountable for what happened in your past. People deserve a chance to show you what they're all about.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 August 2011):
 While it's true that a lot of people have these problems, I think it's far more common to falsely perceive the other person as having them. Chalk it up to the Fundamental Attribution Error - when someone doesn't yet trust us or commit to us, we naturally assume they have a personal problem, rather than assuming they might have a point, or that the circumstances of the relationship are not yet ripe for commitment.
Every person believes they are trustworthy, for instance, but few people really think about how trustworthy they *appear* - or even how trustworthy they actually are. It's easy to get mad at someone who likes us but doesn't trust us, never mind the fact the we flaked on the second date, or forgot to pick them up at the airport that one time, or lied a little about our sexual history. Things like that don't make us *feel* untrustworthy, so it's easy to get mad at a person's perfectly rational decision to be skeptical. Putting a Latin word to it makes it too easy to accuse the other person of having a problem, when all to often it's our own fault.
Commitment-phobia sounds made up to me. Being slow to commit is something I would see as a virtue; demanding commitment faster than the other person is comfortable with seems like a good reason not to offer commitment. It's anecdotal evidence, I admit, but my own experience with the people in my life suggests that most people are completely willing to commit... for the right person. The fact that they want to take their time to find the right person, to get to know whoever they are dating before advancing things, tells me they take commitment seriously, not that they are afraid of it.
Again, these fears do exist, and they are problems. But before anyone goes out and labels someone as having a problem, it's important to remind them that sometimes, when our significant other is acting in a way that disappoints us, we should examine our own attitude and behavior with a critical eye first. The tendency to label and blame other people for problems is one of the most universal human traits, far more common than any fear of relating to others.
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (9 August 2011):
Daniel the love doctor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're welcome. And thank you for your comment. To answer your question...For the longest I believe that I related to a philophobic person the most. I (and I think many others have experienced it also) have been hurt in the past. But in many cases, people allow their past to dictate their future. But what I realized is that not everybody is the same. So you have to give people a chance to show you love- and it's o.k. for you to give it also. Understand that sometimes you have to go through some bad relationships before you find a good one. That will make you appreciate the good relationship more.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kiryuu +, writes (9 August 2011):
 Wow. I've never heard of the first fear before. Thanks for putting those up. Out of those three phobias, which one are you related too?
...............................
|
