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female
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anonymous
writes: Even though I'm broken up with my fiance I was just wondering why he didn't share more of his past with me. He never showed me pictures of his mom who died when he was 18, or any pictures for that matter. He said it was because I constantly broke up with him (because he was emotionally abusive and I was trying to get away). I know it's over now, but it just hurts that someday he will share those things with someone else. Is it common for abused partners to not get their abusive partner out of their head? It's driving me crazy! The thought of him with someone else even though he is no good for me keeps haunting me!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Stop blaming yourself for his behavior and looking at him through 'rose-colored' glasses. Everytime you feel haunted, remind yourself of the very words you posted: "He was emotionally abusive". I suspect he is dealing with some anger over his mother's death, perhaps even guilt. He may have been abusive to her too, and now that she's gone, he cannot take back what he did or said prior to her death, and he cannot tell her he's sorry. As to why he's abusive, it could be a way to keep people from getting close to him -- because it hurts too much when they die. Or it could be the way he was raised. Often kids who are raised by an abusive parent (maybe his father?) turn out to repeat the pattern in their own relationships because it's what they know to be "normal". You were smart to get out. He will no doubt continue being evasive emotionally to women, and abusing them until he gets some form of counseling and usually men like this are too proud or stubborn to seek help. Just try to stay busy, take up a new hobby, take a couple of classes, learn a new skill, or start going out more with friends when ever you feel blue or lonely. Healing just takes time. Good luck!
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