A
female
age
41-50,
*iveLoveLaugh11
writes:I am in serious need of advice! I have been in an extremely happy, carefree, fun, loving relationship for the last 7 years now. He has always been aloof since I've known him up until the last 3 years. He has opened up to me, not so much with words but with actions alone.People often comment about his open affections towards me. Apparently he's never been this way in the past.I feel how much he loves me, and I love him too, very much!About 3 years ago, we somehow got onto the topic of swinging and realised that we were both curious and interested to attend a club just for the hell of it. Not wanting to make a lifestyle out of it, just a one off for some adventurous fun, So we went...We didn't participate and enjoyed the entire night. We mostly drank and danced the night away. Spoke to veterans and first timers and found ourselves going again and again and again!Swingers clubs turned into private parties. It turned into an addiction! We never participated in sexual activities with others, only with each other. Until the first time we played with another couple... Then a group... And I found ourselves falling deeper and deeper into this lifestyle.Again, we never had sex with other people, only foreplay.My boyfriend found a swingers website and made a couples profile. At this stage into it, I was starting to get sick of the whole thing. He would be on the website looking for couples and single women. Then slowly it became single men. The first time we had our sexual encounter...We were at a private party (about 2 years into it)We met a nice couple, we all hit it off and BANG! I'm with the guy, he's with the girl (same room) I was so nervous and scared. I couldn't believe I was actually kissing another guy infront of mine. I was on a couch sitting on top of him. We were just kissing and rubbing when all of a sudden this rush of guilt came over me, I had to stop. We did have boundaries that we had set before we got into it. Whatever happens... No sex!As I got up, I turned around and to my shock horror my bf was having sex with the other girl. I cannot explain the feeling over me at that moment. Of course it ended up in a massive argument and his defence was that when he looked over at me he thought I was having sex. But then if I was, why didn't he stop it? Did he want to have sex with her? I know we already in this lifestyle but like I said, we never had sex with other people.From that moment everything went down hill. Our sex life used to be hot and sensual. We would make love everyday, sometimes twice a day before we got into swinging. I felt so attractive in his eyes, always have until now.It's been a year now that we've quit this lifestyle because I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's exhausted me mentally. We don't communicate about it because it ends up in an argument everytime.He hasn't quit the website. He checks it every single day without fail! I told him a million times I want out explaining to him how I'm never involved so how come he's still on there? He knows this but yet continues to surf through couples and single women to the point where he's built relationships with these people and talks to them as if he's on there as a couple (him and I)Last week we had an argument about it and he told me he felt bad and understands why I'm so mad but then today I see he's been on it, and yesterday, and the day before that! I think he's addicted!!I'm not blaming this all on him, I know I had a big part in this but I also have the right to stop if I want to, don't i?He's been on the website alone now for a whole year and I've had enough! What I don't understand is the fact that he knows I have access to the account also and I can easily see when he's logged in and who he's been chatting/flirting with and he continues doing so knowing that it's hurting me! I think I'm depressed over the whole thing. I cry all the time for no reason. We are having sex once a month now if that. Yet he's on a swingers site daily! I also discover 2 weeks ago that he's been watching porn which is something he's never been into. It's affecting my self esteem. I do get attention from other men, I've never had a problem there and I have always felt attractive until this whole nightmare started. Now I constantly feel as though I will never be enough for him. How much I regret feeding my curiosity!The funny thing is we go about our day as normal as ever, without any tension between us or anything. We are always happy, laughing and joking with one another most times, so we have a great relationship... Until I find him chatting to other people!!Some advice please :( I'm seriously so depressed over this whole issue. Spilling my guts out to him about my feelings doesn't seem to be helping :((((Thank you for reading :)
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depressed, foreplay, kissing, porn, self esteem, sex life, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): This lifestyle also ruined my marriage. My ex husband and I had good sex life we are in our 40's. When we started this lifestyle we started with boundaries and overtime boundaries were pushed. His addiction to this got so bad that we constantly argued. I will agree with some of comments. This is no way for a marriage or any relationship to go. I got tired mentally from it and like you got depressed over a period of time. My ex husband is no longer the person I know. My argument was you might as well be single . I have lived thru this and I can tell you if your partner argues with you and is more the computer more than your relationship. It's time to make a decision. I am so heart broken I lost my ex husband to this. I would tell anyone please get some counseling. Even healthy relationship can get sour after this. I am living proof.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 "Sounds" to me like you have chosen to split yourself in to two pieces.....
One piece is the one who loves your current B/F....and wants to believe that the loving B/F you had just those few short years ago is still dwelling within him... and YOU WANT THAT B/F BACK!!!!
The other piece of you has dabbled in the swinging lifestyle and learned that it is not to your liking... WHILEST, your B/F has not only dabbled in the lifestyle, but has taken a liking to it.... AND, continues to chip away at it..... REGARDLESS how you feel about him doing so.
Sooooo, you have to decide - for yourself - which one of "you" you are.
You can choose to be his foot-wiping mat indefinitely, and continue on as things are.... Or,
You can take control of your life (not his!!!)... and decide that you cannot and will not abide his infidelities... (which HE "justifies" by pointing out that you were willing to go along with them, in the first place.)
Life is fluid... You need to decide which life you want to live...
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): It sounds as if your partner has become sex-addicted. Your story is a testimony to the advice I've given to people who have written to DC considering open relationships, or trying threesomes. It's a thrill in theory, but the reality that follows can be pretty devastation to a relationship.
It has now reached the point that it might be time for you to leave him. If you don't, the depression may become an illness; not just a change in mood. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings is probably an indication your relationship wouldn't be salvageable even with counseling.
It doesn't seem he will be willing to do anything to maintain your relationship, so your only alternative would be to let it go and move on. I know that isn't easy after seven years; however, look at how you're feeling remaining where you are. I think your post will educate a lot of people. Sometimes people may think my advice on this topic is just being judgmental or prudish. I have seen how it has hurt relationships many times over. Once people cross that line; it seems there is no turning back. The damage to trust is irreparable.
If he will not give up the lifestyle, you have to give him up. Save yourself. He's wearing on your mental-health.
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