A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am a 34 yrs old college teacher. There is this 20yr old student I fancy. Nothing ever ever happened. I could of course tell he fancied me a lot and the other day he finally came on to me and told me he has a huge crush on me. He will finish college in a few months. Would it be extremely inappropriate for me to start dating him once he's out of there? Would my collegues think I'm slutty and unprofeasional? Honestly- am I a creepy and disgusting 30-something lady? Please, tell me!! Thank you!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): I think you know in your heart that its a bad idea and in my opinion it is a little creepy.I never understood how people in education thought it a good idea to get their orgasms from their students and i never heard a story where it worked out well.Poor you to have the hots for a twenty year old lad...It may seem flattering but most guys of twenty will have the hots for anyone who is willing to put out who is part of the gender they wish to experience.Does your educated brain really insist you have to try his twenty year old thrusting a coupla times before you wise up and realise that you have more to loose than to gain.Remember that professional dignity once lost is hard to regain.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (26 February 2016):
The long term prospects for this relationship are at best a few good rolls in the hay.The long term impact this could have on your career at much more severe, and permanent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I would say it is up to yourself once you are happy and once you don't allow it to interfere with your professional life!! How do you think you will do?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 February 2016):
 Cant see why you cant, and being that you are both consenting adults I can see how it is anyones business any way. I agree, keep things all above board till he finishes that way you can say with conviction there was no conflict of interest should you ever be questioned on his academic or your professional performance.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2016):
 "I think I can grade him and evaluate him properly even if I am pondering wether to start dating him or not. Is that plain wishful thinking?"
I think it's plain wishful thinking. Why not ask your superior or mentor what he or she thinks of this situation?
I think you should recuse yourself from grading or evaluating this student in anyway as your judgment has already been compromised. The guy told you he had a crush on you, the "declaration of love," if you give him high marks and all this comes out, that grade will be in question, as will your judgment.
You can, of course, speak about this your colleagues in a hypothetical way, and have the answer to your question from them first-hand. They'd figure it out later on, of course, if you started to actually date this ex-student.
Maybe dust off the resume and look for another job where you are free to date anyone you wish?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I would way wishful thinking I'm afraid.You know you should wait. Thats fine. But what if you do and you end up dating afterwards, and the school end up cottoning on the seeds may have been sown while you were teacher + pupil?It can get very grey and on sticky ground if looked back on in hindsight. You may feel you can do it with a clear mind now, but thats not how your boss may view it - regardless of what you think. Best to keep things clear.So try and get out of being his teacher / grading him if you have any thought of trying to date once he has left.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you aunts for your replies. Tisha, my idea would be to maybe start dating him after he finishes college (a few months from now) and not now- definitely not now! I havent replied to his love declaration and told him we should keep a professional relationship, same as I have with all my students. I think I can grade him and evaluate him properly even if I am pondering wether to start dating him or not. Is that plain wishful thinking? Thank you both again for taking the time to leave a reply.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2016):
Would it be inappropriate to start dating him? Well, that's a question for later.If this is your student, and you are responsible for grading him, you have just seriously undermined your ethical responsibility to be fair to him and to all your students. Whatever grade you give him will be in question by the college once they realize that you have developed a romantic/sexual relationship with a student.Who cares what your colleagues think? Don't you care more what your employer might think? What your career might look like if this all goes south?I don't think the terms creepy or disgusting are the key words here. I think the key words should be ethical, responsible and use of sound judgment.If this was a male teacher and a female student, or male teacher and male student, or female teacher and female student, my answer would be the same. As a teacher, responsible for educating and grading ALL your students, to have developed a romantic/sexual interest in one of your students calls your ethics and judgment into question, and sets you up to lose your credibility and your job.Think with your big head.It may be in your best interests to disclose this announced crush and your feelings for this student to your superiors so that you can be removed as a teacher to this student, evaluator or supervisor.The AAUP (see attached article) has gone on to say:"The American Association of University Professors stopped short of recommending a ban on relationships, but it sounded a similar warning, saying that professor-student romantic relationships can make voluntary consent by a student suspect because of the power dynamic. In a statement, the organization also said that sexual relationships can later make the faculty member and the institution vulnerable to allegations of sexual harassment.“Sexual relations between students and faculty members with whom they also have an academic or evaluative relationship are fraught with the potential for exploitation,” the AAUP said in a statement. “In their relationships with students, members of the faculty are expected to be aware of their professional responsibilities and to avoid apparent or actual conflict of interest, favoritism, or bias. When a sexual relationship exists, effective steps should be taken to ensure unbiased evaluation or supervision of the student.”http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/02/05/harvard-formally-bans-sexual-relationships-between-professors-and-undergrads/
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 February 2016):
Why are you creepy??? First of all...do not down grade yourself. You are human with feelings just like everyone else.
He is of legal age and sound mind. Therefore he can make those choices on his own. Theses relationships happen all the time. However, A guy his age may not be as focus as you down the road, and may wonder off to someone closer to his age. Not to say it cannot last...but expect such things in order to protect your own feelings if it comes to that.
As long as he stays focus on school, and you can wait...then why not :)
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