A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony AuntsI don’t know what to do; I’m so in love but equally distressed and tired.I’ve been in a relationship for 7 months with what has got to be in my mind the love of my life. Together we’ve become best friends, loves, colleagues and are achieving so much together and our relationship gets stronger and more interesting by the day. Everyone comments on how ‘sweet we are’ and new colleagues often suggest we should be together as there’s ‘chemistry’ despite not knowing we are in fact in a relationship.Before I explain my dilemma, here’s a bit of background…My sweetheart lives with her parents and the relationship was originally long distance. She’s from a very respectable/strict upbringing where boyfriends aren’t considered as ‘acceptable’. She asked me to deny our relationship for months and even introduced me to her family as a ‘friend’; however 6 months in her mother discovered some of our private communication and unfolded the reality. She has not stopped us meeting/communicating but attempts to be present whenever we meet as a chaperone. My lover is a year younger than me so I thus relocated half way across the country to live nearer to her as she completes her studies this year. ‘X’ faces a lot of pressure at the moment, she’s a high flyer and faces the whole university dilemma, her parents are splitting, there are financial worries and to add to that she’s repairing her relationship with her mother following the whole reveal of our relationship (to confirm her Mum does not approve of our relationship, but when I asked her if she wanted me to leave her daughter alone she didn’t say no).In summary this last month has been hell, she’s been under so much pressure and it’s got heated (as in she’s always stressed). I’ve stuck by her and never lost it with her/loved her less but it has been difficult when she’s been frustrated/irritable indirectly towards me, but I understand why. It got so bad that this week she got upset on the phone and said that she felt ‘her being upset was damaging us and pushing me away’ in her opinion – of which I denied of course as I don’t feel like that at all.Admittedly I am starting to find it hard, with the family pressure over our relationship I can’t plan lots of nice surprises, I mean I do send her flowers, buy her chocolates, take her out, make her breakfast if she comes round etc and I ring her 2-3x a day to listen to her and care for her, but I’m finding it hard to relieve her of the stress she faces. It really upsets me as I calm her down when I see her, but when I’m not with her it’s hard. What can I do to help relieve her of this stress? Equally even though I’m not her, I feel much attached to her situation and feel her pain?What hurts the most is when I tell her I love her or that I’m there for her (words to make her feel not alone and safe) she doesn’t say anything just stays quiet as she’s that upset. I love ‘X’ so much and appreciate that when you love someone you stand by them no matter what and I genuinely want to/feel I am but feel I’m fighting a losing battle, how can I relax her more? It’s so pain fall to hear her down every day, to be honest I’m beginning to question my effectiveness in helping her, I feel very insecure that I can’t make her happy as the pressure puts her down and she isn’t how she used to be with me unless I manage to get her an unexpected breather where she can relax and feels safe and away from all her worries.I’d really appreciate any advice you may be able to offer please. I really need some ideas to help me to continue to try and give her 150%, to be patient and equally help bring our relationship back on track to 50/50, where we care for one another and life isn’t as worrying/hard. I just want to make her happy, feel safe and secure and equally I don’t want to worry/feel exhausted, I just want to be everything she deserves and needs to help her get out of this tough time in her life – I wish nothing but the best for her.Many thanks!
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best friend, flowers, insecure, long distance, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): You sound a lovely boyfriend.... I can tell you love this girl regardless.
From what I can see its all a bit one sided though, you re-located,you cheer her up, cope with her moods, listen to her. What do you get in return ?
Do you get some time for yourelf to recharge your emotional batteries? We can only do so much for another person, but each of us has to learn to deal with our own mess/problems that life throws at us.Its how we mature and grow.Yes you are right to support her, but not so much it brings you down.
Limit the calls - limit the support - go out and be with your friends sometimes, have a laugh, be young. Don't make her your focus 100%.That way she will learn to deal with her lifes problems and YOU will be happier
Good luck x
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (30 September 2011):
I can see that you really care about her, but it sounds like what would help her best at the moment, is to just step back and give her space.
she's going through a difficult time, such as finishing up her studies, dealing with her parents' separation, and dealing with the strained relationship with her mother. It's no wonder that she's irritable, has a short fuse, feels anxious.
but these are her own personal issues and only she can work through them in her own way. If you try to 'make' her feel better, your efforts likely won't work because her tension and anxiety stem from those outside circumstances so those circumstances need to be resolved before she can feel better. Or, she needs to learn more effective ways to handle feelings of stress and anxiety but again only she can do that because they are her feelings and her thought processes that contribute to them, you can't really do anything about it. In fact, you may just be adding pressure to her if you try to get her to feel better. And she may not appreciate your efforts because it may come across as if you want her to "get rid" of her tension, just like that, so that you can feel better as well. This could be why she has lately been unresponsive to you.
I think you have to just let her be, and not try to take matters into your own hands to make things better for her. Don't try to be her knight in shining armor, because her stress is due to circumstances beyond your control and she needs to be able to handle stress on her own without the pressure to be "better" for you.
DO continue to be supportive by lending an ear when she needs or wants to talk. Do continue to do nice things for her like get her a surprise gift or flowers, etc. But at the same time don't be doing these things in a goal-oriented way, with the objective of "making" her feel better because then she may feel pressured and you will feel frustrated that she isn't feeling better (or better "enough") despite your efforts. Don't be watching her like a hawk for signs of whether she's feeling better, and then trying to do things to get her to her feel better, and then monitoring her again and so on. That is a sure path to frustration. Do continue to do nice and loving things for her but then allow her to feel however she does, even if it looks like you're not seeing your efforts pay off the way you want it to.
It sounds like these stressors in her life are temporary and will naturally pass with time. Over time she will get used to her parents being separated, and whether her relationship with her mother improves only time will tell. Therefore I think the best thing for you to do is to do nothing, and just let time pass and let the stressors come and go away naturally by themselves. Just give her her space, be available when she wants to talk or asks for help, but allow her to feel upset and irritable and don't try to "make" her feel differently.
But if further down the road these situations don't resolve over time and if they become a chronic problem in her life, then she may need to do something different to deal with her stress more effectively because then the impact on her relationships will be longer lasting. But that's getting ahead of ourselves, it's only been one month that these problems have surfaced. So for now just give her some space and see if the situations resolve on their own and with it her stress.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (30 September 2011):
It seems like its her parents are putting a lot of pressure and stress on her. For being with you. Your relationship was pretty good until they found out that she was dating you. If they dont like you and that seems like its where a lot of the problems are occurring from, then her stress is just going to continue as long as her parents dont like you. or as long as your dating her... I dont want to be a dick but im just saying do you really want to be in a relationship when the parents dont like you? and you are making your girlfriends life crazy by being with her..
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