A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 37 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 3+ years. We have been living together for a year. We both have previous unsuccessful marriages and aren't in any hurry to get married (if ever). My problem is, he is self-proclaimed selfish (it's true, he is), doesn't consider this a 'long term relationship' (he says he doesn't want to look into the future or try and predict where this is going), and the only time he has ever said he loves me was a few weeks ago when we got in an arguement and he yelled it after I asked him. I guess the girlfriend before me really screwed up his head when it comes to this. He tells close friends and family he loves them, so I know he is capable of saying these words. He works on the road quite a bit, sometimes weeks at a time and since I have been laid-off from my job, I spend a lot of time alone. I do have a question in here eventually - just trying to give some background. For some reason I am really in love with this guy. He isn't at all romantic, but has his own way about him that is caring when it comes down to it. I have never been with a guy like this before and I feel like I've been so patient and got him to open up a bit with his feelings in the past 3 years (he will introduce me as his girlfriend now and hold my hand in public) that I don't really want to give up on this just yet. And the sex is the best... :-)But he is very selfish and I'm very giving. I've tried not to be, but it just isn't me. When I think about moving, it makes me physically ill. When I finally decided to end my marriage, it wasn't this difficult. I don't understand why I'm finding this so hard. I'm unsure of what to do. Am I wasting my time? Is this really love? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): I meant take the wind out of his sails, not sales (although that was probably a Freudian slip on my part, my ex is in sales, read manipulative con artist)
I am in sales, too, not a manipulative con artist tho, I have something called integrity.
What does your man have going for him other than being cute and a good lover and being the only bread winner at the moment? He's gone alot and he likes it that way.
He doesn't see this as a long term relationship but he is living with you????????????
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Relationships seem very complicated when we are in them, and they are complicated, there is you, there is him and then there is the relationship...all three have to be considered.
I don't think, however, that this situation is very complicated at all from an objective standpoint.
What you have here is a selfish man. What you have here is a woman who has not asked to get married, who has stated that she is not in a hurry to get married, but has taken herself off the dating market and the marriage market and moved in with a selfish man after two years of dating and one year of living together you would expect a guy to claim he wants a future with you, that he knows where this is going (happily ever after) and that he loves you without screaming it in anger.
But what you have here is a guy who likes the status quo, he doesn't lack insight, he knows what you want from him a real relationship with marriage on the table, maybe a ring and a wedding date, you want happily ever after and you want him to give a damn about your needs once in awhile.
But what you have here is a man who lacks motivation.
There is no reason to give you what you want, you haven't asked for it, you have given and given and took yourself off the market for this so why are you bitchin' now?
Personally, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years 7 months of which we lived together because he was a selfish prick and I felt he loved me but not as much as I loved him. He had no intention of giving me a real commitment and I cried like hell for several months after, he found a new girlfriend a month after we broke up, broke up with her 10 weeks later and now he is back calling me and trying to drop in on me. Right after the breakup I wanted him back, 5 months down the road I couldn't be happier and I thank myself for having the common sense to see the reality of our situation and of how he could never be the unselfish man I needed him to be.
We women overuse our gifts. We bring beauty and love to a guys world and we give without allowing them to win us to give to us and that sometimes takes the wind out of their sales but most often it attracts and keeps a selfish prick who doesn't want to work for you, he wants a mother to take care of him and do all the heavy lifting.
Uh Uh, sister....not me.
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A
female
reader, fireangel +, writes (20 June 2009):
no your not wasting your time. he is acting that due to his past relationship apparently what ever had happened there did really screw him up. you will just have to give him time and let him finally relize that you are not the same as his ex. the reason you would be having problems attemping or even thinking about leaving him is because you really do you love him and you might be afraid to lose him. he may also be afriad to let loose right now. just give him some more time and see how it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): I think you are wasting your time, yes. You have been with this guy for 3 years, you have lived with him for one, you have sex with him, you know his family etc etc yet he hasn't told you he loves you? If he is waiting for the right moment, what could he possibly be waiting for? I can't even imagine! If he was so hurt after his last relationship, and being in a three year long relationship with you hasn't helped him move on, there is a problem.
The fact that you consider that he now holds your hand in public to be such an achievement at this stage in the game makes me sad. I think that perhaps you are being held hostage emotionally while this guy takes his time to do whatever it is he's trying to do. I find it hard to believe that someone can be that damaged. And if he is, surely he can see that you have needs here and that you are hurting because of his behaviour?
I would take a long, long rest from this guy to clear your head. Stop having sex with him for the moment because this will just cloud your judgment. Ask yourself what exactly you want in a relationship, whether you have it now, and whether you can even get it with this guy. How long will he make you wait? How long are you willing to wait? If he's not up to scratch, I would say leave. If he hasn't changed by now, he won't. And don't be manipulated into changing your mind.
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A
female
reader, freebird  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 I can understand you. been there done that. and really burned my fingers!!!
The problem with such guys is that they are capable of giving you a shock. But until that shock comes, its really difficult to make up your mind. So enjoy the sex and prepare for the worst.
Eventually, you will feel very sad that you gave and gave and got nothing back. By the way, is he possessive?
But if I were you, I will be optimistic and stay as long as it is good. Also who knows, he might change?
Selfish pricks know there way through women's heart. We feel intrigued by their honesty.
But I think you know better!
It depends on what you want from life.
FB
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