A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles,I could use some advice here. My boyfriend is circumcised, and often when we're intimate I notice his scar and I feel really sad about it. Like, he was born perfect and then his parents/doctors decided to cut off a really sensitive and important piece of him? It just doesn't seem fair, and it makes me sad/angry to think about. I haven't mentioned this to him because I don't want him to feel insecure, but it sometimes kills the mood for me because I just think of him as a helpless newborn having a completely unnecessary surgery.Has anyone gone through this? How can I move past it?Please note that I don't feel that there's anything wrong with him, I just feel angry at society for doing this to so many men. I think that if my clitoral hood had been removed at birth he might see a scar and be sad or angry about it, too...
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): Male anon--thank you SO MUCH for your insight and compassionate comments.It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way about circumcision.I actually did talk to a therapist about this once, and she told me that it was all in my head and that the pain/soreness after sex and the lack of sufficient lubrication was MY fault. I couldn't believe it; I get very turned on and vaginal dryness has NEVER been an issue for me.I do agree that, in 20 or 30 years, infant circumcision will be illegal in many countries (I believe Germany and Norway are almost there). Female genital mutilation was made illegal in the US almost 20 years ago. Why males aren't afforded the same protection is something that I have a difficult time understanding! And men who continue the "tradition" throw around the same futile arguments. You want your son to look like you--should I get implants because my mother has bigger breasts than I do? It reduces the risk of penile cancer--but more males die from circumcision (around 200/year) than from penile cancer! I could go on and on…I feel that I'm well on my way to becoming an "intactivist".Anyway, thank you again for reminding me that my boyfriend is an exceptional person and certainly not worth losing over something like this. I would love for him to one day consider restoring, but he would have to come up with that idea on his own--I would never mention it!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): Previous pro-foreskin circumcised anon male following up."My question now is--what do I DO? Do I bring it up again?"No, you've made your point about leaving any future male children intact and for practical purposes there's nothing more you can do especially since he's accepting of his circumcised state (as am I; there are methods to "regrow" foreskin by stretching the residual scar tissue using weights and belts but the process is lengthy, the contraptions are ungainly and the results primitive at beat, in my mind the cure is worse than the disease)."Should I see a therapist?"Very unlikely you can find one who can understand your point-of-view, pro-circ bias is so prevalent that anyone who speaks out against it is considered a nut."Will these thoughts ever go away?"Hopefully, yes. I suggest that instead of focusing on the effects of your boyfriend's circumcision, you start looking at the big picture: Routine infant circumcision is now performed primarily for cultural rather than medical or religious reasons (assuming bf is not Jewish). To you and me it makes as much sense and is just as painful and disfiguring as Chinese foot binding or African neck banding but the practice has become so ingrained (especially in the USA) that some uninformed parents even assume it's mandatory (I heard the host of a podcast for fathers actually say "We didn't know that NOT having him circumcised was even an option!"), and as previously stated most circumcised males are conditioned to think of themselves as "normal" and don't have any reason to believe otherwise on a daily basis. I've had several physicians and none has ever mentioned my being circumcised during exams or documented it in my medical records, I'm always considered a "normal male."What you need to understand is very few people see the physical effects of circumcision the way you and I do. When your boyfriend looks down at himself he sees what he's always seen and what he's always seen is "normal" male anatomy; he probably didn't even realize he was born with a foreskin or that it had been removed at birth until puberty or later.Good news is attitudes are slowly changing, and I do believe routine infant circumcision will eventually go the way of routine tonsillectomy although it may take a generation or two.Not sure the analogy will translate, but as far as the effect of circumcision on my sexuality I liken myself to a baseball pitcher who has to rely strictly on my fastball because I'm physically unable to throw a curveball but I can still be successful at a high level (or, in UK terms, I'm like a soccer player who can't bend it like Beckham but can still score goals). You'll just have to accept his circumcision scar as a minor flaw in what is otherwise a masterpiece, an endearing imperfection that can also serve as a visual reminder that he was once helpless and vulnerable in a way that you know he will never be again with you by his side to protect him. And if you want to have some fun with him, try stimulating his circ site, there could be some residual highly sensitive tissue there that he's never explored.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): OP here again.
Thank you, anonymous posters and Chi girl, for your supportive feedback. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these thoughts.
My question now is--what do I DO? Do I bring it up again? (Even though I've already established that there's no way I would circumcise my children, and he's okay with that?) Should I see a therapist? Will these thoughts ever go away? (We've been together for 2 years already!) I'm terrified that if we get married I'll spend my life just wishing he had a foreskin!
Thank you!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 I wasn't circumsized after I was born.... The reason is; because the Doctor told my parents that - due to the enormous size of my manhood - he wasn't sure that I would survive a circumcision... since it would reduce my body-weight by about half!!!!!!
I think you're overthinking this, and ruminating about a problem that doesn't, really, exist...
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): As a circumcised male who has been aware of what was done to me as a newborn since early childhood, I appreciate OP's insight, sensitivity and sympathy. I've always felt the same way when I see other circumcised males in the locker room but have only recently come to realize that very few share our perspective since Americans are conditioned to believe that a circumcised penis is "normal" while being as nature intended is "unclean" and "smelly" and "repulsive," as the two previous (presumably circumcised) male responses can attest. To the gender-unspecified anonymous reader who claimed "they won't know what they're missing" I can tell you I most assuredly have always known exactly what I'm missing but I also understand I am the exception since most American males grow up literally not knowing what a foreskin is. All I can say is I have no doubt that any circumcised male of any age who sees first hand how a truly normal (intact) penis functions, as I did as a child, would wish he still had his foreskin so he could more fun playing with himself, as I still wish at age 60+. Unfortunately for future generations, most circumcised males prefer to remain ignorant and/or in denial about the negative effects of circumcision (loss of movement, loss of sensitivity, scarring) and therefore blindly make the rubber-stamp decision that their newborn sons should "look like Dad" not thinking about what they're about to have done to their sons because they don't want to contemplate what was done to themselves.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): I feel the same way, but you have to respect that his parents and the doctor did it (most likely) for religious reasons, not society. It's an important piece of skin, but also not important because many men thrive without it and are cleaner, but some men (who are no longer religious) would prefer it being there because other people have it. They won't remember the pain as a baby and they won't know what they're missing (the pros and the cons), so try not to make a big deal of it.Respect his parents decision, even though you don't agree with it (I don't either, but it isn't our place to comment, really). Is there any way you're able to not look at the scar? Could you try talking to him about how he feels about it? You can only talk to him about it if you won't mention your opinion about his parents' choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 I just have to comment on what some posters wrote before me. There seems to be some misinformation here. Foreskin does not smell. Nor is it less clean. A crotch and a mans sweat are the same, whether he has foreskin or not. A mans hygiene is also the same, whether he has foreskin or not.
Seems to me that the posters who wrote that foreskin is not clean and that it smells have no idea what foreskin is...
Foreskin is a bit of skin that covers the head of the penis. It is very sensitive, and when masturbating, men pull the foreskin up and down their penis. Masturbation without foreskin can be very painful. Removal of the foreskin also dries out the head of the penis, so that the skin feels rougher to the touch. A man with foreskin cleans his penis with the same ease as a man who is circumcised. You can compare it with amputating your arm. Sure, it makes it easier to rinse your armpit, if your arm isn't there. But it wasn't exactly difficult to clean when you had the arm either.
I found that sex with the circumcised boyfriend of mine was less pleasurable for both me and him. Because there are so many things you miss out on when the foreskin is removed. Anyway, like I said before, you can't change it, and he can't change it, so you should just make the best out of the situation. But you really need to talk to him about his views on circumcision, and if it's something he wants done to his children. This could be a deal breaker.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): OP here.Chigirl--thanks a lot for your helpful post :)In our entire relationship, I have brought up circumcision twice.The first time I asked him, "If you had sons, would you have them circumcised?" and he said, "Yeah, probably." At that time I didn't know much about it, so I let it go. But I did some research (including watching a video of an infant circumcision, which was HORRIBLE), and then a few months later told him, "Just so you know, if I have sons, I'm not circumcising them," and he said, "That's fine". So he seems really indifferent about it (and we have talked about getting married and having kids together, so he knows that if I say "my kids" I'm potentially saying "our kids"). I was hoping it would spark some kind of conversation, but it didn't. Do you think I should bring it up again? Or let it go? Right now I feel like he's blissfully ignorant, and I'm a little hesitant to let him know about the sexual functions of a foreskin and what he's missing out on!To the men who said that intact penises are "repulsive" and that women "prefer circumcised"--you sound very ignorant. Men evolved to have a smooth, sensual glans that is an INTERNAL ORGAN. The fact that you believe that humans improved on this evolutionary design using a scalpel is beyond me. And yes, circumcision is genital mutilation.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 August 2014):
I had a boyfriend once who was curcumcised. I felt the same way about it as you do. My advice is to not tell him how you feel about his penis. He cant do anything about it, and telling him it is a turn off will just hurt his feelings. However you should talk to him about his views on circumcision. Is he angry too? Or is he glad about it? My ex LIKED being circumcised. He was made to feel that way because of the culture he was from, where it was normal for boys. What made me realize I could not have a future with him, was that he wanted his future sons to also be circumcised as babies. For me, thats horrid. Take away a part of a babys skin in surgery, without that child getting to have a say in it. And it is purely cosmetic, serves no purpose. So you need to talk to him and find out where he stands.
...............................
A
male
reader, theserman +, writes (17 August 2014):
well circumsision is optinal but if he wouldnt of had it it would have smelled and its not really mutalation most woman like circamsized men and most men like being circomsized also it not like he remembers it sorry for the spelling lol
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): You shoudl be happy, if he had the foreskin chances are he wouldn't be as clean and you'd find it repulsive to go down on him, so there's an upside to everything.
...............................
|
