A
male
age
51-59,
*N2271
writes:I met a married woman ten months ago. She approached me and it wasn't until after two hours into a deep cnversation did she tell me she was married. I was very disappointed when I learned this because we had connected on a level I had never experienced. I agreed to meet her for one friendly date. It's just not my character to date a married woman. When we met, she told me her husband had cheated on her three times during their 14 year marriage with the last time being 3 years ago. She resents him and is not bitter about it, just numb. She has empty feelings and goes through the motions for the sake of the kids. I decided to see her again but after two weeks I thought well if she's not happy she should just leave so I pulled away and ended it. I learned things are never that easy.5 months later I ran into her again and we reconnected. We have been seeing each other for four months now and have fallen deeply in love with each other. We have not had any sex due to the high level of emotions involved since she is still married. I guess my question is this, could love ever be a bad thing? My opinion is this. As much as we would like to believe we don't, we simply live in an imperfect world. In the eyes of God, when he founded the institution of marriage, he had meant for it to be bounded by love and not by signatures on a contract or a tax deduction. I feel when there is infidelity in a marriage that the sanctity of the marriage in God's eyes is tarnished. I feel if you're going to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids you don't look outside a marriage let alone pursue and fall in love with another. I think that is a significant step in getting out of a marriage and not staying in one for the sake of the kids. I just feel there is too much damage for this marriage to be saved. Just looking for opinions on this from other people who have experienced this before.
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male
reader, beautifulsoul +, writes (2 April 2008):
I think that if you truly believe that the marriage is too damaged to be saved, then follow through with your hearts. No woman, or man should be restrained when they dont want to be. being stuck in a relationship is in most cases, is because of security. if you keep her heart fulfilled with your love, and yours with hers, thats pretty much all you need. Often a common question comes into mind. " would you rather be rich and lonely, or poor and happy." personally, i would be poor and happy. Nothing beats the emotional highs of love, nothing. now if you can offer the security aspect as well, things will obviously be much easier. follow your heart
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): To much damage for this marriage to be saved is probably true. For neither have the tools to communicate efficently with one another, and the likeiness that they will bring this to a new relationship is high. There problems began way before he cheated on her. The reasons he did, more then likely has to do on how well they communicated to each other, which like most relationships are poor.
Whoever falls for her, and wants to make a future, has to know her inabillity to communicate, along with the bagage from this relationship, will be brought to any new relationship, for she hasn't learned the why's of what went wrong, so she will repeat it, with the help of the new mate.
We all play an equal part in a relationship. When one has it together, and the other doesn't, the one who has it together will probably leave from frustration and not look back, for they have tried to communicate, and the other refused.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): "I think there is too much damage for this marriage to be saved." "You don't look outside the marriage let alone pursue and fall in love with another, I think this is a significant step in getting out of the marriage and not staying in one for the sake of the kids."
What you have here are the rules of marriage and why you do not get involved in emotional affairs. It isn't for you to say that there is too much damage for this marriage to be saved. You have placed yourself in a triangulation of a relationship....you are the third person in a two part story that allows the two principle partners not to have to face each other or the problems in their marriage, she is vulnerable and unhappy and she is off loading that by falling in love with you....instead of turning towards her husband and working on her marriage.....and there are kids involved. Because there are kids involved then she needs to earn her way out of this marriage by working on it with her husband until....until they have come to the conclusion that it is not worth saving even for the kids....but that is not your decision and your input has been one to put the final nail in their coffin I am afraid.
Your emotional affair is just as damaging if not more so than a physical one....and the sad thing is your relationship has no where to go and it can never grow, and quite frankly it isn't based on anything very solid and real, it is about fantasy and for her it gets her away from the drudgery that can be called marriage, the kids, the house, the bills, the grumpy husband.
Statistics say that a relationship began in infidelity like the two of yours has less than a one percent chance of surving one year beyond the divorce of the cheating partner.....but then statistics can lie and be wrong, but it sure is food for thought. Perhaps there is an element of well if she could do that to him, then she could do the same to me some day....and she could think, he is OK with cheating, so will he cheat on me if we get married? And thoughts along those lines, and then there is the wake up call that often you just trade partners, not problems or issues, those actually need to be worked out. Marriage can bring up issues in people that they need to resolve or they will keep making the same mistakes in relationships over and over again....it isn't always about the person you are married to and want to get away from, rather it is about you, your character, your ability to resolve issues and keep your love alive....
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