A
female
age
36-40,
*ic_Zoo16
writes:I am a 23-year old female. I met my partner 3 years ago and fell madly in love. He was without doubt the person I wanted to be with forever, marriage kids, the lot. But things have been declining for the last year, he has become not only less affectionate in a physical sense but less caring - almost unfriendly towards me. I am starting to not enjoy the time we spend together. It seems like he has changed from the person I first met, and although I still love him and I am doubting we will be able to make a life together work. 5 months ago I began a PhD and developed a close friendship with my male mentor, which quickly began to develop into something else. He is 37, married (although he tells me very unhappily) with no kids. We started to spend lots of time together on a daily basis, I look forward to seeing him in the morning, I love every second we spend together and he is the last thing I think of before I fall asleep every night. He told me last week that he has fallen in love with me. I feel as though I do love him but something is stopping me from wanting to leave my partner, and stopping me from telling him I love him too. Consequently I have cooled things down with him to 'think' - which he has found very hurtful. I can't decide whether I should take a leap to what might be love, or try to find the love I once had in my current relationship. I have to make a descision soon as I run the risk of losing two people who mean a lot to me. My friends keep telling me to follow my heart but I am feeling such a cocktail of emotions at the moment, I don't feel like I could pick an orange from an apple! Any advice welcome please.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 February 2008):
 All I can tell you is that bouncing onto a new partner whilst still 'attached' generally doesn't turn out very well. This applies not only to you, but as importantly to your mentor as well.
The general rule is to deal with one thing at a time. Trying to sort two out is just expecting too much of yourself. Like doing the conclusions on two complex dissertations at the same time!!!!!! With hindsight, you can see it so clearly, but at the time it's impossible to take evrything in. Again this applies to him (mentor) as much as you.
Take care, Richard
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Both are bad choices which will not make your life happy.I would rather wait for the right man then to be stuck with two impossible man.
Know when to call it quit when your love has died.
If you are in love, you will feel happy .
If you feel the pain , then you are not in love.
You become another victim of love.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (19 February 2008):
 the cheater is a user and your other man is stale and the relationship has run its course-your still young and you could do better than either of these men.
your confusion and indecision stems from the fact that both these options (men) are not for you but you dont want to be alone and give up your toys for nothing at all...
you need to think do you need either of these men or a clean fresh open start where you will meet someone in a better situation. Looking for a new relationship while in another already will only draw men to you who are in a paralell situation to you. avoid all this crap by being single and living life for yourself (i'm pretty sure you can cope without regular sex long enough to open up your opportunities, and put yourself out there)(serial monogamy is particularly meaningless and leaves you no time to mentally become yourself).
have a long think and dont go for something because you friends think its a good idea(it might be for them but bad for you)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi. I know it can be very hard when your relationship becomes stale. My advice is for you to firstly talk to your partner and tell him how you feel about your relationship (not about the new guy). What exactly is the difference now? Is it that you're both too "used to" each other and that sparks gone? Or that he's just not romancing you enough. Do you live together? Try and see exactly what's changed and find out why! Why don't you two go on holiday together where it is only you and him, make it like a honeymoon! If things are still no different, then maybe it is time to go your separate ways. Is the new fella someone you can spend your life with? Have babies with? Are you sure you're not just attrated to him because your other half isn't giving you attention. Perhaps, if you two got together, you wouldn't feel the same way about him because the thrill won't be there. There is an age difference, so make sure you both want the same things in life. If he can leave his WIFE for you, how can you be sure he won't do the same to you. I'm probably wrong about this, but you should answer these and make sure I'm wrong. Whatever you decide, I hope you make the right choice and be happy. X
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi,
Really, you should sort out the problems with your partner first. If he cannot see how he is making you feel, then tell him outright.
The reason that you have doubts about the new guy, is because deep down you know this is wrong. I'm affraid they all come out with the same old story about being un-happy in his marriage. If he's that unhappy and there are no kids, why is he there?. The last thing you need is to become some guy's bit on the side. And I feel that you probably will if you go down this road.
Try to give your husband a chance, and see if he can work it out with you.
Just one thing more! What right does this guy have to be upset or hurt at you not suddenly throwing your life down the pan. He is married, and I bet his wife doesn't know anything is wrong.
I hope you will, make the right decision.
XX
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