A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in this relationship with a guy for a year and a half now. The relationship started off terribly because he started ghosting me after a month. We hardly met and he never replied to me. He used to ignore me for most of the time. I made a fake account and spoke to him, to which he started sexting the fake account and saying things about me like “I’m an introvert and he can’t be with someone like me”. He tried breaking up with me over text when I told him I knew what he was upto with another girl, I said a friend of mine told me cause she knew that girl(fake account). He said things like that was terrible mistake and he loved me. We got back and although he started communicating with me, the verbal abuse soon started. For no big reason, he’d blame me and abuse me. He calls me nasty names. Any argument he abuses me by calling me a whore or a cunt and switched off his phone. I’m staying cause we really love each other and I’m so confused. He usually put effort in our relationship by planning dates and taking me out cause I’m still in college.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 June 2018):
 REGARDLESS of what YOU do, he has no right to call you those names and abuse you over the phone.
When I read the abuse only takes place over the phone, the first thought that came into my head was that he may be "playing to an audience" (e.g. his friends or even another woman).
If there is something he doesn't like about what you do or say, he should tell you calmly, in an adult manner, and discuss it, not call you names. As he is not even telling you what upsets him, my guess is it is nothing you are doing that sets him off. (No excuse, even if it was.)
Abusers invariably make the victim believe they DESERVE the abuse, that they have caused it by their behaviour. Don't get drawn into his bullshit.
There is no way you can stop him behaving as he is doing. Your only option is to remove yourself from the situation. However, you will only do that when you are ready. Nothing anyone says to you will make you take that step until you have realized you are worth better. I hope you wake up to that realization soon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): You don't seem to grasp the graveness or potential threat of his verbal-abuse. You want to be with the guy so badly; that you will excuse his belligerence, and allow him to degrade and humiliate you as a woman.
Men who hurl expletives and fowl language at women most often will resort to physical-violence towards them as well. He seems to get highly agitated with you. You act as if calling you fowl names over the phone makes it less abusive.
I speculate that you may have some major issues with your mental-health, and trouble with self-esteem. Healthy people don't dismiss abuse and degradation, and call it love.
I don't think you came to the site for advice. You wanted sympathy. You have every intention of continuing to pursue this man. As mentioned previously; there is no relationship existing between you. You're trying to force him to accept you as his girlfriend.
I pray a family-member will intervene and bring you to your senses. I also hope you will seek professional counseling and therapy. My poor child, you are a victim of abuse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2018):
 OP, you are NOT in charge of how he CHOOSES to talk to you.
Sure, out in public he behaves - which means he KNOWS calling you a C*** or Who** is NOT OK, yet he still does it over the phone. Why? Because he simply don't CARE. If he in public called you wither of those derogatory names OTHER people might SEE/HEAR what a piece of shit he really is, and THAT is something he cares about. What other people might think of him, just not you. You for whatever reason don't warrant respect. (my guess is because you "ALLOW" him to talk to you this way).
Nothing you DO or say, no matter how much you LET him walk all over you, verbally abuse you will MAKE him stop, will make him a better man.
THIS behavior? WILL only escalate if you keep seeing him.
The words he CHOOSES to call you shows how little he respects women and YOU in particular.
If you had a daughter would you think this was OK for her BF to do?
If you had a sister? Or even your mom?
Hopefully, the answer is no, it's not OK.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 June 2018):
 What exactly makes you think his reaction is normal? What do YOU do for him to react the way he does? Sounds like a textbook case of him trying to manipulate you and lower your self confidence so you’ll never leave and it sounds like it’s working perfectly.
If you think this is how a relationship is supposed to be then you really need to wake up and open your eyes. This guy is emotionally abusing you and is nothing but toxic towards you. Who cares if the dates are good? It’s easy to put a front on when you’re an asshole to mask your true personality.
Who knows where he will go from here? Will he turn violent? Is it worth finding out? This guy is a piece of shit and if you can’t see it then you’re in for a turbulent journey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt’s a nice time when we are out on a date. The abuse etc is over the phone. He makes me believe it’s all my fault. I want to get out so bad, but part of me wants to stay thinking it’s my fault the way he reacts.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (13 June 2018):
 A man who treats you as this man treats you, DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!
UNLESS you are incredibly naive, insecure or totally delusional, this entire story makes no sense to me.
Here are the facts.
When two people truly love, trust and respect each other, there is NO ignoring, sexting others, ghosting, verbal abuse, etc;.
What you are describing is anything but loving, so you should seriously consider leaving this man for good.
This man, he's treating you the way "YOU are ALLOWING him to treat you".
Why?
Because you continue to put up with all his nasty flaws and he knows he can use and abuse you in any way he sees fit.
He also knows that you will not leave him.
He's got you wrapped around his little finger and you're continually tolerating his horrid abuse, so he takes full advantage of you and will continue to do so, UNTIL you decide to leave him for good.
You could really do with some one to one counselling, as this would really help you to get to the source of your own insecurities.
I would strongly encourage you to leave this guy, before he leaves you feeling completely worthless.
Take immediate action and take control of your own life again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): He doesn't love you. You haven't described anything in his behavior that indicates he cares anything for you. He avoids you, ignores you, and verbally-abuses you. I would believe he even hates you! He's absolutely nasty!!!
There seems to be something seriously wrong here. He used the C-word, and called you a whore. How on earth does that translate into love? His behavior is atrocious!
I am under the impression that you are seriously infatuated to the point of obsession. You can't see one thing this guy does is wrong; and you need his approval and acceptance so badly, you pretend as though nothing has ever happened. Yet you give a very detailed description of extremely abusive and narcissistic behavior.
I've come to two conclusions. You made this whole story up in order to get sympathy and attention. Otherwise, you may suffer from mental-illness. All the behavior such as opening a fake account and pretending to be someone else; followed by lying. That all may be symptomatic of your probable mental-health issues. I can only speculate. I'm not a doctor.
Do you leave or stay? Stay where? You have no relationship. If any of what you've told us is true, this is a "fatal-attraction" and you're in a make-believe relationship all by yourself. You're chasing him down in spite of the fact he has admitted he wanted to breakup with you.
He may also suspect (or knows) that you suffer problems with your mental-health; and his toxicity and cruelty will only exacerbate any problems you might have. Diagnosed, or not yet evaluated and diagnosed.
Where are your parents and family while all this is going on? They must see some patterns in your behavior begging for some sort of intervention!!! I'm taking a wild guess that they are fully aware; and you are already diagnosed and under treatment and therapy. No-way is all this going unnoticed! It's like behavior completely out of control!
The part where you said you got back together; and you claim he said he was sorry. WiseOwlE doesn't believe a single word of it. You simply insist on believing you are still in a relationship; and in total denial that you'd allow him to leave you. You're clinging to him, in spite of his rejection.
Answer this question. What are you staying for?
My belief is that you're not taking no for an answer. There is no place to stay or leave. He has intensified the abuse in order to make you give-up and finally let-go. That's why he ghosted you! he felt sorry for a moment; or his narcissism just had to take another caustic swipe at your feelings.
My dear, you are in serious need of professional-help; if this story is true. No one could endure such vicious and abusive treatment, and think they're in-love.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 Honestly do you think he loves you? I am guessing you have low self esteem and that is why you are not wanting to leave him and I understand that really I do, but do you not feel like you deserve better? Surely you deserve a man who is going to treat you right and not speak to you or abuse you? You need to have more confidence in yourself and never allow a man to treat you any less than you deserve and believe me you deserve to be loved and treated properly.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 June 2018):
Seriously?
You need advice for this? Would you recommend one of your friends stay in this situation if they came to you for help? What could possibly be making you want to stay here?
Get a grip and leave him.
Also, don’t trick people into speaking to fake accounts, it’s super childish and makes you as bad as the person you’re trying to catch out.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2018):
Is this all you think you deserve? If so, why?
NOBODY deserves to be ghosted, cheated on, then abused. If you think that is LOVE, you have a very twisted view of love.
Were you verbally and psychologically abused as a child and now see such behaviour as "familiar"?
The "nice" bits about this abuser are all about control. He is nice to you when he can be bothered so you believe he loves you but, really, the nice bits are to keep you hooked.
You are young. You have rest of your life ahead of you. Is THIS how you want to spend it? You are worth so much more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2018):
It sounds so crappy and toxic, I don't understand why you would WANT this for yourself.
One thing is your little "sting operation Fake Girl" to see if he would talk to another girl, but the MOMENT he talked SMACK about you, WHY didn't you end it and cut all contact? WHY waste your time on this CREEP?
He calls you nasty names like whore and cunt.
He ignores you when mad at you, yet he can carry on talking to another woman (fake you) - sexting "her" and you say you LOVE him?
What exactly do you love about him?
And if THIS is what you call loving behavior I feel bad for you because a future with this man is going to be even more miserable than it is now.
GET out while you can. Date someone healthy and wholesome. Someone who will TREAT you right. Someone you don't have to create a fake persona to TALK to.
This screams unhealthy, toxic and sick.
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