A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been in a great relationship for five years with my boyfriend. I love him a lot, and most of the time things are really good between us. Unfortunately, we've had a long distance relationship because he moved back to Argentina to go to medical school. He cheated on me a couple times and has lied to me before about many things. It has been difficult trusting him after that, although I know he is a kind and loving person, our situation has never been ideal. It was really difficult to decide what to do. Ultimately, I stayed, because I feel that forgiveness is a large part of a relationship — whether it is easy or difficult, and he has been a wonderful to me to help heal our past. We love each other, but lately things have been quite horrible...and I think deep down I haven't been able to heal. I am insecure, and at times, still a mess from what happened.He doesn't deserve to keep paying for his mistakes months after I discovered them, and I want to move forward, but I have no idea how. I can forgive as much as I want to, but it is clear and obvious that I can't forget. It is almost time for me to head back to the states and I am very stressed out and upset all of the time over work, or life, or stupid things. I need help, I feel like now I'm destroying the relationship. Before, he mentioned that he cheated because I became a chore to deal with...My family and I have been going through an ordeal that has caused many issues. I'm afraid that if I keep picking small fights I'm going to ruin something that we've both worked hard for. I don't know how to make peace, I feel really immature and frustrated with myself and with the situation...Please help if you can. Advice, suggestions...anything is welcome. Thank you!
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cheated on me, immature, insecure, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both (anonymous and aunt honesty) very much for your insight.
You are both correct, this isn't something that I should rush to try to heal, and it probably is going to be quite a long process. Still, I appreciate the feedback more than you know, it definitely helps to calm my thoughts down when I start feeling anxious about my own behavior.
Best of luck and thank you, again!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Completely normal.If he wants this relationship with you, he needs to work very hard to regain your trust and establish your value to him.The first time we fall in love, trust and affection and the relationship overall is a gift. Once that has been betrayed, it is damn hard work to get it back, not a gift at all. Most people don't find themselves willing or able to give what it takes to get it back."He doesn't deserve to keep paying for his mistakes months after I discovered them, and I want to move forward, but I have no idea how. I can forgive as much as I want to, but it is clear and obvious that I can't forget."It takes years to get over this type of betrayal, not months, and he needs to be able to deal with your questions, and put up the answers, and put in the hard work to make sure that you are able to trust and move along. Otherwise, you become a doormat, and are devalued even more.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 You are not being immature. It is completely normal to have trust issues and feel insecure once someone has cheated on you. He is the one that needs to earn your trust back. I'm glad that he done the right thing though and told you that he had been unfaithful. At least you both have the honesty in the relationship. But still it is going to take a lot of time and effort on both your parts for you to gain the trust back. Talk to him openly and tell him how you feel. If he is serious about you he will have patience and do whatever it takes for you to trust him again.
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