A
male
age
41-50,
*r.goodguy
writes:Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !! So I want to defend those that have been hurt and tell them its ok to feel hurt or to have a negative judgment if they did disturbing things and lied to cover there tracks !in todays society its sick that people defend the ones that did these things saying things like the past is the past !or people change look at them now "don't judge others!who cares if they did that?so let's look at some stories I've read and see peoples responses ?first a man married for years has kids been an amazing dad husband and finds out wife lied and said she was with 3 guys turns out she used to do porn videos !!!the man devastated by this comes unravaled and starts hurting and is sad deppressed and feels he cant look at her the same .or that he feels that the relationship was based on lies so the poor guy posts online for advice and all the guy hears is comments like"dude get over it its the past who cares "or she's the same women you married"or this is just you being insecure "or my favorite numbers don't matter who cares get over it???really people that's what this sick society thinks???I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date !!its just like buying a car miles ,conditions ,red flags,baggage !,not the car dealers choice what car we buy !!think about it seriously if you lie on a resume and get caught do you get fired ?do you get the job only if the employer decides to.now I know its not exactly the same but my point is this YES man or women I'm not sexist imo man or women that sleep around and treat sex as nothing but having coffee and devalue it to nothing .I'm saying that people can do whatever there hearts desire if you wanna screw 15 -100 people fine but don't lie !don't trick someone with opposite values to marry you and pick you when they deserve the truth and someone with similar views.I hear people attack guys like me call me names and im none of these things #1im not a hypocrite I have not done things like this I've been with9 people #2 I'm not ugly or insecure ..I'm 6'3 230 great looking former model !and im not a wuss #3 I'm not a religious guy Nope !#4 I'm not a sexist man or woman who act like sluts are nasty #5im amazing in bed and not insecure of others size lol I'm great down there ......now my point for usei.g me as an example is its not because of these BULLS*** reasons it hurts us its because we love are partners and care about connection respect and values in the person we spend our lives witg .so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue .and for all those that wanna attack me bring it lol
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): There will never be any real progress on RJ until people are allowed to avoid it in the first place. Right now our social rules don't allow people to do what it takes to avoid the wrong partners for them. It is socially unacceptable to ask someone about their past on a first or second date. It is actually more socially acceptable to mislead or lie about your past especially if your numbers are high.This is totally illogical and unfair to the people trying to avoid RJ. Its like saying "Its okay not to want STIs but you should never ask anyone if they have been tested before you have sex with them. And you should never use a condom either. You just have to hope you don't catch something. Doing anything more to protect yourself from getting an STI might offend someone."
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 You are right. Lying is wrong, and lying to the person who is supposed to be the love of your life is terrible. Lying when you know that if you told the truth that person would not be with you is terrible.
Unfortunately this happens, and the problem is what to do about it. In a situation like yours there are kids involved: for you to leave her would be bad for them. You have been trapped.
I talk about this issue on this site a lot, since I experienced it myself. I generally ask men to make a choice:
- Let go of the past. As much as it isn't 'right' or 'fair', it's the only way to have a more positive future. Holding this against someone will cause endless days of pain and suffering. This is an incredibly hard thing to do, and many men are unable to. There's nothing wrong with them for not being able to either. But if they want to have a good relationship in the future with their partner they have to let it go.
- Leave the relationship. If they can't let it go, or don't want to, then they should leave. That's the best for both people. Usually they then want to find someone who has a much less difficult past: and many guys go on to do so and are much happier as a result.
What it's not ok to do is stay in a relationship with someone who has a difficult past and throw negative emotions and judgements at them day after day. It's not a healthy way to live, and causes damage and suffering for both people, and their families.
Sometimes what is necessary and what is fair are not the same. This is a situation like that unfortunately.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 At the end of the day, people are entitled to their own opinions on whatever topic of conversation.
I agree with what you said, but people are always going to have opinions that differ to your own. You cant shoot them down and vice versa, because we have to tolerate other peoples viewpoints, even if you disagree with it.
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