A
female
age
,
*kira
writes:I've been married for over 32yrs and for about the past 4 or 5yrs our intimate moments have got less and less. Now he hasn't touched me or made love in nearly 2yrs. Its breaking my heart becasuse I love him more today then I ever did before. Our relationship is good in every other area and he treats me like a queen. Every morning and evening he always gives me a big hug and kiss, and we often sit cuddling together in the evening on our sofa watching tv and chatting. He tells me 3-4 times every day that he loves me very much. He isn’t the kind of man that drinks or have evenings out with his friends [we don’t drink anyway], as he prefers to be in his own home and being with each other. And he is the sweetest and kindest man I know when it comes to my needs and making sure I’m ok and comfortable. But the passion and enthusiasm he once had for me has gone, jst vanished and seems to have faded away, and I can’t understand why?? It has bought so much pain and confusion in my life, and even though I have tried everything that all you ladies have discussed here and more [except have an affair – that just turns me cold…that is not an option for me as I’m not looking just for ‘SEX’, its only my own husband… my own man that God has given me… that I want to make love to]. I have many times discussed it with him but he either goes very quiet or says very little and I can’t seem to get inside his head to find out what’s going on. And forget about asking him to go somewhere for help, he just won’t do that! But now things at home are beginning to fall apart. There’s a lot of tension, and petty quarrels, and some heated debates… most are started by me … and that is totally out of character for me, for I have been a stay-at-home-mom and I have usually kept a peaceful and happy environment for him to come home to, as he works so hard and I have always believed that a man should feel welcomed in his own home when he first steps through the front door after a hard days work. The last thing a man wants to see and hear is a nagging and bad tempered wife – that’s the quickest way to lose a husband!! [And my husband to this day, always walks in this house with a warm smile and a cheery ‘hello lovy, I’m home’]. But I just don’t know what to do anymore or how to resolve this. Its even got to the point where I have seriously thought and planned on leaving him, but not to walk out for good but to give him room to think about how seriously and deeply it is affecting our marriage. I hardly eat and I spend many, many nights now, on our sofa as I cannot sleep…. I cannot bear going to bed, lying next to him, with his arms around me, but nothing more… and everything in me is yearning for him! I usually cry quietly in my pillow to stifle the sobs… because in this way I miss him so much! I still have no answers….. I don’t have a friend that I can confide in and this is something I wouldn’t share with a friend anyway…. So what do I do next……
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): I did the same to my wife... I always believed it did not matter because I loved her soooo much, and, we were so affectionate with each other.However she complained from time to time that she never felt desired and that I never tried to seduce her. I mean if she started something I would respond, but I rarely started something myself; not so often.We had sex less and less often (perhaps once every 2 months or so).Well from my perspective, as the man, I would say this was due to laziness on my part; although she is an attractive woman I stopped practicing erotic thoughts about her. Instead I looked at porn (perhaps your husband does this secretly). I did not really want any other woman. I simply was not interested in sex any more. My already diminished sex drive (with age) was obliterated for her through the use of porn and self satisfaction.Even if porn is not the problem perhaps it is simply that his sex drive has diminished with age.What happened with me? Well my wife went and had an affair and I am struggling to keep her now. I was destroyed because I loved her so much. And now I am really trying with our sex life; and you know what... its working out very well although it may be too late for us!Ok, so you definitely need to confront him with this. You need to see if he really has a physical problem or if the problem is in his head. Ok so he will not go for help and will not discuss it with you... that is a major problem because he has to be open to discuss it; if he thought he was going to lose you he would start talking I bet.Once you start talking, I am sure you know all the ideas to start getting your sex life started again. My wife actually told me that she likes watching porn too, so we watch it together now; not all the time, but sometimes to add a little bit of spice. You could wear "special" sexy underwear - stockings usually work with men. Take the initiative yourself and then demand that he do something too. Expect that he makes an effort, and reward him for it, but be careful over showing your disappointments, as this will make him feel inadequate. In the end it is not all your responsibility though. It is 50% his. And like I said, before it even gets to this stage, he must be prepared to talk, to want to make it work, and to do his 50%!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Oh, sweetie...
This is hurting you badly. You need to show him how badly. Break down crying on him. Stop hugging/kissing/cuddling with him at all. insist he talk to you about it, and if he won't...
If he won't, honey, you need to make him understand that you can't be in a sexless marriage. Explain that you don't want to leave, that you want things to work out, but that you have made plans to leave, and that if things continue and he won't even speak to you about sex... well, then it may be time for you to leave, at least for a while.
and seriously, don't stifle your sobs. Weep. Let it all out where he can see. He's your husband. He, above all people, should know what he is putting you through.
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