A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, well this is going to go into detail. So be warned.Im currently a senior in high school. My girlfriend who I am in love with. (I dont know how this site really works, but please dont judge me for saying I love her, or that Im too young. For right here and now. I am in love with her). Anyway, my girlfriend has quite the history, for her age. At least it seems to me. Were both 17 but when she was 15 she did a lot of dumb things. Like, overdosing on ecstasy TWICE, doing ecstasy in the first place, getting alcohol poisoning. That stuff is bad, but doesnt really bother me.What does bother me is the men she has been with. Sexually, I mean. She lost her virginity at a party when she was 15. She got super, super, drunk and ended up getting having sex with this 22 year old that she met at the party. Who had a tyrannosaur 9" penis. She says she only remembers bits and pieces of the night. After this she sobbed and cried for months afterward. Hating herself for letting this happen.The second guy she was with was almost two years later, and consequently, right before me. She dated him for 6 months or so and had sex with him too. Not a big deal, they were in a somewhat steady relationship. who can even be blamed for that?Along with those things, and giving another guy (that I assume she dated) a blowjob.I think of myself as a kid with old school values. I place a high value on someones virginity, mainly a girls. (yes its a double standard) But I think with that it is truly the deflowering of the girl. She will never ever be the same. While I am not against pre-marital sex, I do believe it should be with someone special.I was a virgin when we started dating, and she took it from me. I am so happy that I could lose it to a girl as important to me as she is.I just wish that I COULD HAVE BEEN her first. I know it was a total mistake how she lost hers. And the other guy she was dating that she had sex with. I dont blame her, or look down on her for anything she has done. I just have trouble thinking about these things.I am ridden with the constant emotional pain of knowing these things. And there is nothing I can seemingly do to stop it. I know it shouldnt matter, this was all before she even knew me. But its doesnt seem to help at all. The pain never goes away. Sometimes its just a dull lingering sensation. Other times when all I can do is dwell on it, I feel as if I am going to puke.So I ask you, if there is anything that any of you have realized, that might help with this. To make me forget. Make it stop hurting.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 "I just wish that I COULD HAVE BEEN her first"
You do realise that you're wishing for the impossible? Yes, you do.
So you have to give up on this wish. You have to accept things as the way they are, and move on. You have to let go of the thoughts.
There is no easy way to do this unfortunately. You have to teach yourself to not dwell on this, when your mind involuntarily turns to it. You're probably being triggered by all sorts of things: maybe a magazine article, or something your girlfriend says, or a picture, or whatever. That starts the thought, then the negative feelings, and you get stuck in a loop. Thought triggering feeling triggering thought triggering feeling in a downward spiral that leads nowhere.
By 'changing the subject in your head' when you feel yourself slipping into these thoughts you can break the pattern. There are many different way to do this, and you'll have to find what works for you.
There is much more that I could say (I've been in a similar situation to you), but I suggest you look through my post history as it's something I've commented on a lot in the past.
Best wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): I know this is something that is causing you a lot of pain, and it's not thoughts that you want in your mind. Please remember that the past is the past. That was someone different, not your current girlfriend. We all make mistakes, you are not the same person you was at 5, 10 and by the time you are 30, 50 80years old, you will change again. The fact that you were a virgin makes this issue of virginity a lot more important to you. But virginity is only there for a second and then it's gone, it's the rest of your life, the present that you should be concentrating on. Any time you have thoughts about the past, please try to think of something nice that you love about your girlfriend.
We have many similar questions from men, as it seems that it's men, (much more than women) who expect their partners to be virgins. Here is a brilliant post from several men who are in the same position that you are.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html.
Maybe by reading about others who feel the same way it may help you to come to terms with your feelings. Please also check out answers from Uncle's "Troubletoomuch" and "Yos" who have both overcome this issue and give several suggestions that might actually work for you.
Good luck. If you can't get over this, then you will have to leave your girlfriend and find another one. But this time your the one who won't be a virgin, and you might just find a woman who will suffer the pain that you do because you had sex before you knew her. I know your trying, please read through the many questions on this board that deal with a "wife or girlfriends past relationship and lack of virginity". Some men find that they can never forget, but remember there is nothing for you to forgive, because your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. This all happened before she knew that you existed and she must have been hurting badly to allow herself to be used and abused the way she was. People in pain act in ways that make them very ashamed, please be very kind to her.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 The pasts is in the past we should not keep reliving it, many people hated there first times and regretted it (i certainly wish i had a better first time).
But if you love her please learn to move on from this dont stress yourself thinking about her and these guys she is with you now and nobody else.Everybody has things in there lives they wish they could change she regrets what happened so dont torture her and yourself thinking about it, if you cant move on from these thoughts and think about the future not what happend years ago then maybe you should move on from her otherwise you are only going to drive yourself mad thinking about it all the time. We dont live in the past but we all learn from our pasts
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Okay, say the two of you break up and after awhile of feeling sorry for yourself, you meet another girl who is everything you are looking for in a partner. The only problem is she is a virgin and you are not and she is having a real hard time with this, pretty much like you are now. What would you say to her?People can’t change the past, they can only learn from it and not make the same mistakes. You see what is happening to you is you have a bag of values and expectations you carry around with you from the past. In your bag - (You said: I think of myself as a kid with old school values. I place a high value on someone’s virginity, mainly GIRLS. But I think with that it is truly the deflowering of the girl. She will never ever be the same. While I am not against pre-marital sex, I do believe it should be with someone special.) These values and expectations were taught to you and carried over from your parents and people you looked up to. There is nothing wrong with values and expectations but when its making you unhappy and interfering with your life, you have to examine them and see what you can take out of the bag and let go or you could continue filling the bag till you need a cart and a donkey to pull the bag from the past to the present.It’s happened and you have a future if you want it. She is not responsible for taking away the pain and confusion that exists within yourself. You are going to have to face these feelings and work through them on your own.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (12 February 2009):
 We have many guys that come on here and ask a simular question. Fact is you cannot change what has happened, no matter how misserable you make yourself feel. All you will do if you keep asking questions, is put a massive strain on your relationship. And make your G/F feel cheap.
You have 2 options.
1/ Think yourself very lucky that you are with this wonderfull person, and that she has a little bit of a past.
2/ Forget her and move on.
Its simply not something that would bother me if I was in love with a man, the past is the past.
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