A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wonder if anyone else has ever been in my situation. And if yes what can one do? I'll start with some background.I am 30 years old and have never even dated anyone. I have many friends and I have a good education, job etc. I'm not ugly or fat or too skinny or anything.I know that people generally like me but never in my life have I been more than simply liked.Nobody knows this but I never ever felt loved by my family and I think perhaps this is a pattern that has started there.I have noticed that all my life I have been just waiting and hoping that someone would really care about me and it seems now that it would never happen. I guess I just want to be rescued.I didn't use to care if people loved me or not I would just love them anyway and I still do but now I do care because I'm really afraid that nothing would change.Also I don't think I have normal feelings like other people I know. I can't be jealous it seems. I can't not forgive people or really hate them. And I'm not a saint or anything I do plenty of wrong things. It's just these two things jealousy and not being able to hate. And I used to think this is good and I was proud of myself about it but now it seems to me like a disorder. Maybe I'm over reacting but lately I keep on noticing how different I am from everybody else around me and I'm wondering if its OK. I want to have normal human feelings. I'm afraid they are hidden somewhere in me and will erupt at some point.More than a year ago I started a physical relationship with a guy who I know pretty well does not care about me at all. He is very nice and honest and has never tried to fool me into thinking otherwise. I on the other hand loved him a lot from the start. Now this is what is very very strange. I could never imagine myself in this situation. Even now I think of it as a very horrible thing, even rather disgusting sometimes. In my mind I think I should be able to deal with loving someone and not being loved back because I'm an adult and I have plenty of experience in this area. And frankly I don't really know why I need the physical with this guy because it is not doing anything for me at all. The only thing I feel when I'm with him is sadness and loneliness.So its really upsetting for me that I can't break things off with him. I think continuing like this is not healthy at all and even harmful for me and I have tried so many times to put an end to this situation but I can't. Please if you have any idea about what I should do or know of anyone like me who has got out of such mess give me some tips.I have really really tried to get out of this thing, I even went to a therapist. Nothing seems to work and I am in a horrible mess right now because I'm suffering every single day since it started. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010):
The first thing is to break it off and hold strong on that, do whatever you need to do to end it. Right now you are probably in a physical addiction/attachment with him and it will take time to get through this, but it will be worth it in the end, believe me. Even if you end up alone for a long while, it is better than being so unhappy.
Use your friends and a new therapist for support, or make new friends if you don't have many who will help you. Get a pet if you don't have one, volunteer and spend your time doing things you like to do.
Also ask yourself why you don't want someone to love you? You will realize over time, that this man is not nice, if he were he wouldn't ignore your needs this way. Even if you didn't require love and affection, it's not good to use people for physical gratification. No one who is emotionally balanced, caring and respectful will do this to someone else.
Remember that this is your happiness here, you need to fight for it.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting companionship and wanting to be loved! 99% of us want these things, and look for the person who will make us happy in life. Your problem is that you aren't happy! So, take a deep breathe,and end itwith this man. You aren't happy, he doesn't make you feel good, and you deserve so much better. As walkingdude says, it will hurt...you've been seeing the guy for a year...but yet, won't you feel better out of the relationship? Yes, you will be alone, but seriously, aren't you really alone anyways? If the relationship isn't making you happy and fulfilling your needs, then why be in it? you can be happy and there is someone out there for you, you just have to open and find them. Please don't stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy. And keep going to the therapist, let them work with you. You sound like a very kind and sweet person. So be good to yourself and give yourself a chance to truly be happy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Hi, well firstly i know how it feels to like someone and them not feeling the same. It hurts a hell of a lot, especially when you know they only want one thing from you.
The only way you are ever going to get over this is to STOP sleeping with him. It sounds like you only have sex with him because that's your only way of being close to him. Some people think that if they give the other person what they want (sex) that eventually they will end up loving them back.
The sad thing is, it doesn't work that way and all it does is gradually wear you down to the point where you are so lost you don't even remember how you got yourself into the situation.
The only way out is to stop what you are doing. Cut off the physical thing because the longer it goes on the more attached you will get and it's just dragging out the pain.
It's like a band aid, when you rip it off it hurts at first but after a while it feels better.
Don't beat yourself up about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved it's just you have gone about it the wrong way. Just because you are an adult it doesn't mean it gets any easier when dealing with the hurt of feeling used or unloved.
I've been where you are, i'm only 23 years old but i know because of my own experience i came through it a stronger person.
You need to stop the sex and get to know yourself again. I think carrying on with therapy would be a good idea and might help get to the root of the problem and why you feel like you deserve to be used by someone like that.
Things will get better but you need some time away from him to work on your own issues and hopefully you'll be a happier person who will find someone who loves her back.
Just remember you deserve to be happy and it's out there if you are willing to find it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Stop being physical with him and go to a therapist. Why would you want to continue subjecting yourself to a situation that only makes you frown? Life is too short for you to exist in misery. Act now. It's a high to live happily.
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