A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like there is no hope for my relationship even though my boyfriend has never cheated, lied or hurt me. I love him, and I have never thought of anyone else since I met him. I honestly see no one else as my future but him.The only problem is that he never wants to remarry or have children with me. He has three sons with his ex wife, and he doesn't want to have more children by another woman. He is older then me, and I accept he has had a life before me but I want children so badly that I can't see us getting over this. It started when last year, my brother got married and we took his sons to the wedding. An aunt of mine mentioned it was about time we got married and I had one of my own, and my boyfriend laughed it off. I thought it was because he was put on the spot and I left it. I think I didn't really want to ask him because I was scared of what he would say.We have been together for three and a bit years, and we have spoken about having children and marriage. At the time I was still getting use to being a stepmum so I said I didn't want to think about children for a long time yet. He always knew marriage was important to me, and to be fair he has said he would marry me if it truly meant so much, but he doesn't want any more children and that we already have three to think about.I love his kids, their great but their not mine and they never will be. Is it totally selfish of me to think that? I don't want to break up with him because he can't see it from my point of view, but I really don't get what the issue is if he would marry me, why not a child? All my friends are getting married and having children whereas we are just staying the same. I'm 26 and he is 36. His kids are 14, 11 and 7, so I could understand if he didn't want a big age gap but he point blank says no. I really don't know what to think or do because it's really tearing me apart.
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ex-wife, his ex, want children, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): I can completely understand that he doesn't want more children, he has three. But for you to give up having a child of your own, might be your biggest regret. It is not selfish of you to want to be a mom to your own child, it is one of the greatest experiences in life. You might want to really reconsider if he is the right man for you. Do you really want someone who will marry you if it means that much to you, or do you want a man who wants to marry you because it means that much to him. If having a child is important don't waste more years of your life with the wrong man find the man who wants everything you want.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 Sorry, IF you want marriage and children, HE isn't the man for you.
I agree with Auntie llifton you two are at two VERY different places in life. So you are not very well matched. I get that you LOVE him as a man, but you would have to give up things that you WANT to be with him, because he has been there done that, burned the t-shirt.
It is fair for him to say NO MORE children. It's fair for him to say I don't want to get married. But it's also fair for you to WANT both and you CAN have both, just not with him. So you are wasting your time with him. You can't pin your hopes onto the fact that he could change his mind, because in all likelihood he won't, not should he HAVE to.
And speaking from the perspective of a second wife, being married to a man who pays a HUGE (40% of his income) to child support can make for tricky finances.
You really DO know what you option is, you just don't like walking away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2014):
 you must respect his words. he has three children to support and does not wish to take on the support of a 4th and possibly a 5th child. I understand his feelings totally.
I had two children with one man and I never felt right wanting more children with other men... it felt weird to me.
SADLY, he probably won't change his mind and may even go out and get a vasectomy before you marry without telling you.
IF YOU want biological children, then you need to leave him.
Word of warning however: my kids stepmom wanted her own kids and they tried. 5 invitros failed for them. She never could have her own children. Adoption would have been their only option. I just say this because if you leave a man you love due to his not wanting children and later on you find out you can't have children the whole thing could psychically blow up in your brain
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 February 2014):
 When a man says he doesn't want children, believe him. If he has three and told you he doesn't want anymore, then that is what he means. He isn't going to change. You have to decide if you can accept this, or its a deal breaker. Sometimes we love someone but they really cant give us what we need, and if we stay with them, eventually we may grow angry that our needs aren't fulfilled. How are you going to feel 5 years from now if you are still with him? This is what you have to ask yourself.
My daughter is 32, divorced and has been seeing a man her age who has 3 kids and made it clear he will never have more. She's never had children but says she is ok with it.
It is what YOU can live with or can't live with. No one can answer that but you. Its not at all selfish to want a child of your own.
My ex of 12 years broke up with me 2 months ago and part of the reason was because at 46, he wanted a family, he had never had children. I already had 2, and at 52, having children was out of the question for me. After 12 years he suddenly decided a child was very important to him. Being a man, he could still have one.
You are different, and the longer you spend with a man unwilling to have a child, the more your chances of having one dwindle. Think it over carefully....women dont have the same option of having a child later in life...time isn't on our side.
I hope you figure out what you can live with or live without. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 Choices, choices, choices! So many choices, which way should you go.
You could simply accept things as they are, and maybe get over you desire to have children, or grow more resentful.
Or, you could break up with him, find somebody who wants the same as you, or maybe not find somebody else who wants children.
Personally, if marriage and children are important I would seriously consider ending your relationship, your boyfriend doesn't care about what you want, only what he doesn't want.
Whichever choice you make I wish you well. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Judging by how old he is and his children , he got into this whole marriage thing way too early. At 22 he already had a child. And then 2 more before he turned 30. That's a very early start and no wonder he is done with it. These days 3 kids to bring up is a huge financial obligation. Though he is still in the age when people keep having kids, he is done in his mind, he had enough. Though I understand where he is coming from, you need to move on. Which you will do in a future. You are still very young, but don't wait too long, you know fertility age is short. Don't wait another 10 years only to discover that it's too late. Yes, we hear women having children well into their 40s but that's a very are ocassion. Move on as soon as possible, you won't change him. There are plenty of guys out there who want the same as you: family and kids of their own.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 February 2014):
 he's already had 3, so i completely see why he doesn't want more. i would most likely feel the same way if it were me.
on the other hand, it is completely justifiable for you to want to have your own, as this is a perfectly normal human instinct.
you have a predicament on your hands.
to be quite honest, i know you've been with him for quite some time, however, it seems you two may need to do some deep introspection to determine if you're compatible. your future goals/plans are completely different from his. he already did the whole marriage/children thing. now he's done with it. you, on the other side of the coin, are freshly wanting to start it. you've never experienced marriage and children, and want to have that. you both are not in the least bit wrong for how you each feel. he shouldn't have to have another child if he doesn't wish to. just as you shouldn't be forced to not have your own.
you two just seem to be in completely different places in life and want completely different things at this point. if marriage and your own biological children are somethinig you feel your life will not be complete without (justifiably so), you need to move on and find someone you're more compatible with and who wants the same things.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 February 2014):
You say you don't know what to think or do... unfortunately that's not true, you know, you just don't want to admit it.
The bottom line is that you'll never be satisfied with no children of your own. And, as much as you don't want to think about it, there are plenty of guys out there who can make you happy AND want kids.
Don't bother hoping he'll change.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 You may love him and want to be with him. I just don't think you are ready to give up your dreams of a marriage and a child. I suggest you look to start disengaging from the relationship as your BF has been honest in respect of what are his expectations but you need to accept that's the way it will be with him or go out and live your dreams.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 February 2014):
 You have to decide whats more important to you,,,him or having children of your own.
He has the financial burden of 3 already so adding to that would be a big commitment. He has been down the route of marriage and children already, whereas you have not. His marriage failed and he doesn't want to risk repeating that and all it involved perhaps.
He has told you no way does he want another baby so you know where he stands.
As for saying he will marry you if it means so much to you, at least he is prepared to do that. But HE should WANT to marry you, to make that next step
So, what do YOU want?
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