A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This probably seems like a stupid problem but lately the only guys who have been approaching me for dates have been weird or creepy guys. It's really killing my self esteem. Some of them I gave the benefit of the doubt and went on one or two dates to see how things went, but all dates were terrible,and awkward, the guys didn't really seem interested in me, and on one date I thought we were going out to dinner, but I ended up being taken to KFC, which I didn't really think was good enough for a first date. Another time I tried to set up a date with someone who asked me out, to go for a drink and the guy sent me a text back saying 'can't i just come over to your place'. As a result I'm starting to feel like I'm giving off the wrong impression, even though I don't really know how. Is there any advice for this sort of thing?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Product recall time.
The contents are fine. But the packaging is attracting the wrong sort of clientele. Time to reinvent the presentation of the product and the packaging.
Also time to look at the current advertising campaign, because the focus is wrong, and is appealing to the wrong demographic. The public perception is out of alignment with the value embodied in this product.
This is a good quality product. But needs to appeal better to the target audience.
Seriously, i don't think of you as an inanimate product.
But you are sending out vibes that do not reflect the real you. And you recognise that you are NOT weird and creepy.
Do do some SWOT analysis of:
1. What would be the qualities, character,values and attitudes of the guys you would like to attract?
2. What are your strenths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats to you attracting such a guy in (1) above?
It may only need a change of scenery, a hair revamp, makeup changes and a wardrobe revamp.
Visit some other places in your spare time. Places where you would feel comfortable. Observe how other people act, walk, present, speak and dress in that other place. See what you can learn from that.
And do not be afraid to say no to advances from guys who you know are 'not your type'. Because who we associate with results in us being seen as just like the company we keep. Because society thinks that 'birds of a feather flock together'
Join a community group doing some good where the people there are people you feel good about.
Look at the work you do? Is there anything you say about that work that could be perceived the wrong way?
If you work for the Coroner does not mean you are fascinated by death.
If you worked as a chicken sexer (yes, such a job exists) does not mean you are fascinated by sex.
I am not suggesting that you not be yourself. You are fine. But the outward you is sending out a message that is not helping you. Or you are mixing with a crowd that is not helping you.
And I am not suggesting that you make out you love things that you do not, as a means to attract a guy. That is such a recipe for disaster. I recall a girl who i thought lived and breathed and loved golf and football. Since I met her first after she married i just assumed that those were her passions. Turns out she hated both. But she kept up the pretence right up until the divorce came through. Turns out that she only made out she loved both, in order to snare her guy. But five years of that and the gulf between them was a deep chasm. She is now enamoured with car racing and horse racing and is taking horse riding lessons. No guesses about her latest boyfriend required. But does she know who she really is? And what is really important to her? Will she wake up one morning and wonder 'who am I?'
Look and examine the attributes of the guys you do like.
For example:
Really really smart IT guys who also play chess very well, always seem, to me, to have highly intelligent quirky interesting girlfriends who also love playing computer games all weekend but also enjoy travelling to places that are far off the beaten track. I only know a few IT guys so i can only draw on that experience of the IT guys i do know.
What i have seen over the years are that safe cautious guys seem to like the same in their partners.
And guys who love a bit of adventure seem to gravitate to girls who feel the same.
And fiery volatile pugnacious types seem to often gravitate to fiery volatile types
And ambitious guys seem to go for ambitious girls.
In my case I have never attracted a guy who yells andscreams and gets into a temper and i would have run a mile if such a guy had ever asked me out.
Who you project as who you are is likely to attract, as someone who is comfortable with what you project, as who you are
Best of luck with the future, regards Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): I think it's just a matter of location. You are probably not doing anything wrong - they are probably just trying their luck. But just in case have a look at how you dress and go for attractive clasic sexy clothes, like good flattering jeans and tops and maybe try something different or even hire a stylist or friend to do something new! Try and research some good locations where there are going to be better behaved and hopefully educated guys. It's always hard to meet guys at a location that seems 'right', but some are better than others. Maybe consider first what you are looking for as well, is it just dates from a few potential suitors? Or do you hope to meet the 'one' along the way.
Sometimes the 'one' can pop up, so long as you are ready and looking/awaiting.
Maybe try some sophisticated locations and functions. And don't give up, be careful though there are sophisticated weird creeps who might sound smooth but try and get it on too and can better mask their intentions!
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