A
male
age
30-35,
*azzedUp
writes:I need help with settling inner turmoil. I have been with my current girlfriend for over a month and a half now, and I love her, and she says she loves me, but there is a problem. The night we started dating she slept with another guy. When I found out, I asked her about it. She admitted it and said that she did it because she didn't know she would love me as much as she does now. She told me she hasn't talked to the guy since then, or anyone else and that she really does love me, so I quietly let it fall under the rug. Since then we've grown closer and I really do love her with all my heart, but I keep thinking about that in the back of my mind. Whenever I'm with her, things are fine. I have no doubts or worries, but them moment I leave her house the walls of assurance break down and I fall into a pit of uncertainty. Someone please tell me what to do. I really do believe she loves me and that she is faithful, but I need to make this feeling go away before I can give her my all. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): The feeling never goes away. Ever.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 You're a month and a half into a new relationship. This is such a young relationship it's still in the "learn and get to know" phases. You're still in that phase, so is she.
The basic problem is that you identify with your insecure self, the one that is making the drama for you by keeping you 'thinking.' The insecure self, that ego, isn't the real you, though you think it is. The insecure self needs to create a conflict to keep it 'alive,' so to speak, and it has latched onto a story from the past which keeps it going.
When you realize that you are not that insecure ego thing, you'll be on your way to being able to have a relationship with a fellow human being, not just a person you found to share a drama with.
If you are spending time in uncertainty, that means you are imagining a future that doesn't actually exist in the present. You are making things up to feed that insecure ego self. It's not comfortable but it makes you feel like you are engaged in a relationship drama.
The inner turmoil is your mind trying to control you. It's as easy as realizing that. Really. The rest is drama.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 It's quite normal for this to happen at the start of relationships. Things can be 'complicated' before they settle down: sex with others, complex situations and so on. It takes a while for commitment and trust to build, and in the mean time, our options and behaviour remain open.
Your feelings are also very very normal. Most guys would be feeling the same. I would, and have.
Here's the good news: the fact you feel this way means you really do care about her. If you didn't it wouldn't matter. Thats great: you are in a relationship that means something. We all want and deserve that. Treasure it.
The bad news is: there's no short cut for these feelings. Insecurity and uncertainty come with love: as we feel ourselves needing someone more and more we become aware of how painful it would be to lose them. You can't have one without the other. But here's a few things that can help:
- Accept your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Also communicate them to her. By that i don't mean discuss that guy and what happened. Just tell her you miss her and love to hear that she is thinking about you when you are not together
- Work on your communication with her. If the two of you can tell each other how much you really care for and love each other you'll both feel more secure with each other. It's scary but will make you both realize that you both have these fears
- Don't think about him or what happened. A part of you will want to keep thinking about it, trying to 'work it out'. The thing is: there is nothing to 'work out'. The more you think about it the worse your turmoil will be. The less you think about it the better it will be. There's no answer or solution you can find by thinking about it... the answer you seek you will find by thinking about anything and everything else.
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