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anonymous
writes: I've just come out a 2 year serious relationship and have now met someone else and have been with them a few months now. I care about this person and am still friends with my ex-boyfriend. The problem is that I know I've made a mistake and rushed things for myself and want to tell my new man that I need to remain single but I know he will take this very hard and will think I have used him. Should I just cool the relationship, not say anything or tell him I want to be single?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 April 2005):
 Eventually, you'll end up telling him. Even if you "cool things" and try to distance yourself, there'll come a time when he says to you "What's wrong? Please tell me what I've done".Better to be up front about things now, in the early stages. Of course he'll be hurt, but you'll do all you can to minimise his heartbreak. You've expressed yourself well in your question, and you'll do just as well (if not better) in person, when you can have a normal conversation with him.You'll need to meet up with him specifically for this purpose. Don't try to break it to him when you're on a date or he'll be really devastated. Explain that there's something important on your mind and ask if you can meet somewhere. Then explain it, as you've done here. You were caught on the rebound, and you care a lot for him, but you know that it's too soon for another serious relationship and you need to be single, or you know you'll be unhappy... and thereby make him unhappy. Tell him you're really sorry, but you didn't want to wait until things had progressed even further. Maybe you can ask if you can ring and see how he's doing in six months or so. I don't know if that will help him or hurt him more, but if he seems very keen on you, it might lessen his disappointment to know that you're not just breaking it off because you don't like his dress-sense or something equally superficial.Whatever you do, be kind and compassionate.Good luck.
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