A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He has four children, three live out of state and the last lives in a city 20 minutes from ours. The child that lives close to us is the youngest. I feel my boyfriend talks to his ex too much. Usually everyday or every other day. In addition she brings their child to his place of employment for lunch at times. He claims they talk so much because he is friends with her and that he needs to be cordial with her because of his child. But she has no respect because she call early in the morning and late at night at times. In addition I feel he tells her too much of our business. I requested that he minimize the conversations and that she call only with emergencies in regards to their son. I feel he doesn't make her respect me nor our time together. After several request it is still going on. I also think he has some kind of guilt because of the other children being out of state, so he goes over board with the one he has contact with. In addition he will go to inside her home and has even called me from there once when she was not home and I got really uspset with hime because I also requested that he not go in her home rather if she was home or not. She has four other teenage kids by the same man that babysit at times. My boyfriend will still take this son even when he isn't able to watch him because she says she needs him to. Then he tries to get me and other family members to watch his son, drop off and pick him up while he is at work. I feel he shouldn't do that and should stop trying to make things so easy for her. Note: She has a boyfriend. I wish there was an order for visitation so she can stop using him and trying to use me for her convenience. Just recently she went to court for support. I feel she did it out of spite because he is trying to move on, but she isn't letting him. He had been buying for, watching and supporting him. I have been refusing to do anything that will make it easy for her. She is taking away from his resorces for support and has never once commuted to bring, or pickup her child from us and she just recently refused to do so, when she needed us to watch the child. I feel she intentionally puts the child off on him/us to make it hard for him and to interfer with us spending any time together. He won't stand up to her. He won't allow me to say anything to her. My boyfriend is really a sweetheart but he has blinders on and I think he should choose which relationship is most important. Of course the one with his son is but the mom or me. Should I let this relationship go? Or should I keep trying to get him to see. I really want to approach her? I don't like her. I'm tired of the nonsense. I have two children and their fathers aren't in my home and I don't have that kind of relationship with them, but they have the relationship they wish to have with there children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): I think the first response was too harsh and probably coming from a mother who has lost the father to her children. Just because a man has children, it doesn't mean your life and feelings are worthless. There should be boundries on the relationship with the mother of his children if he wishes to persue a relationship with you. She shouldn't be meeting up with him every dinner and speaking to him every day on the phone. How selfish is that. He has a life with you and his children now. If he is able to get on with her that well why isn't he still with her. The poor children have had to endure the heartbreak of daddy leaving because of this reason or that, yet mummy can still have a relationship with him when ever she wants. They are really not going to understand. My father used to have that with my mum yet we lost him mainly. How is that right? Anyone who can't see how difficult a woman can be when bitter needs help also. It is not all for her. She got the good part. She got to keep the children and get financial support and a roof over her head. The father has to go out and pay his way and find a new life, while still remaining stable to his children. You have 2 kids of your own I see. Do you provide his roof, cleaning and lovemaking for a little fee a month????? Run love, as fast as you can. If he isn't ready to repect the new woman in his life as well as care for his children, he isn't ready. Turf him out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 Why shouldnt he make things easy for her, she is the mother of his son but he is the father why shouldnt he share the bloody responsibility???? You took on a man with children so you need to learn to share him with those kids, he should not and you should not expect him to put the kids on the back burner because of his relationship with you. When you have kids you may be a little more understanding and grow up a little bit. Whether you like it or not he will always have contact with her because she is the mother of his kids or child, and if he is doing it amicably then bravo to him x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): This is obviously a very awkward and difficult situation...
He needs to stand up to her, and even though he wants to see his son, I think the visits should be more organized, should not affect his work or your relationship with him.
Maybe this is wishful thinking...
I think you should sit down and talk with him but if this seems dire then you need to think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this or finding a man who, regardless of whether he has kids or not, has time for you and is commited to you.
I can totally understand why your tired of the nonsense. Its going on for too long and is holding you back. Its holding him back, but it might seem to him like he has little choice on the matter and would do anything for his children.
But this is his choice and not yours. As I said you need to tell him what you've told us, you need to tell him how you feel about this. I do think the visits should be more regulated. If she doesn't have enough time to look after her child then he should have custody. Not surprise visits. Not disrupting a life which she might not think he has.
Hopefully that made sense...keep us posted, and message me privately if you want too...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): there is alot going on here although i am getting the impression it is slight jelousy on your part. You need to realise that this is the mother of his child and although they have split up he might like to maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of their child.
If they didn't break up on bad terms then there is no reason for them to be angry at each other or off with eachother. It does sound as though on occassion she may take liberties and stretch the boundries by using you as a baby sitter but on the other hand if you want to be a part of this mans life then you also need to be a part of the childs life.
as for the calls, she shouldn't only call in the case of emergencies for his son. She should be able to call at any time to discuss his son because he is the father and if that is how he likes it then that is how it should stay.
I have to admit if i was in your situation i too would get the jelous knott in my stomach if i heard he was having lunch with his ex and going in her home but i would have to realise that this is how it is.
Weigh up the pro's and cons, do you trust your man enough to be in her house when your not there? if so are you able to keep this jelousy under control? if so then there is no reason not to carry on with this relationship.
Alternatively if you continue to feel this way only you know what is better for you. would you rather live feeling this way or live without your boyfriend?
do you love him enough and trust him enough to put these feelings aside?
sit down and talk to him and try to compromise on a few things so that it shows you are willing and maybe he will do the same and in time things should hopefully fall into place.
Best of luck to you
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