A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is pretty long but please bear with me as I feel you need to know all the details. Six and a half years ago, I started a relationship with a pathetic excuse for a man; we were both 17. Four months in, I found out I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with it so he broke up with me as soon as I got the blood test results from my gyno. With his unbelievable nerve, he actually claimed that the child was not his; that I must have slept with at least 20 guys and I was a complete whore and a liar. (He was the only guy I had ever slept with at that point in time.)At first, he did not consent to a blood test but eventually caved. Right away he was confirmed as the father but did not apologize for all the shit he put me through when he found out I was pregnant. His parents, of course, talked to my parents about it because my ex was and IS a huge pussy. He comes from a decently wealthy family so his parents gave me $1000 in cash to "take care of it". I was appalled by what they suggested I do. My parents were as well.Fast forward ten months and I was 18 with a two month old baby. I was a mere three weeks from high school graduation but because my parents had me young but still graduated with a diploma, they swore I would, too. And I did. By this time, I hadn't talked to my ex in almost three months. He wasn't even there for the birth of his daughter so I took the liberty of giving her my last name instead of her dad's. My ex did, however, talk to me for about a minute after we were dismissed from the gym with our caps and gowns on.He asked me how the baby was doing and what I was planning to do about college. I told him the truth: I would be living with my parents until I'm done with community college and then find a full-time job with my degree to support his daughter. He handed me a check for $10,000 and said it was from his parents for whatever I wanted to spend it on because of all the trouble I've been through over the last year. Then he said I'll be getting checks of $500 every first of the month for child support and that he himself would be paying it.He told me he talked to his parents and said he didn't want to go through the whole court thing because he knows he would have to pay SOMETHING and he didn't want the cops on his ass if he didn't pay up. I took him to court anyway because I wasn't going to take any chances on his pathetic ass. I ended up gaining full custody of our daughter (something he did not argue) with my ex having to pay not $500 but $1000 every first of the month because of his family's annual income.Fast forward another two years and I meet a man at my work I had met when I was 13 but never thought twice about. He had no kids and was actually a virgin and by this time, my daughter is very near her second birthday. I invited him to her birthday party and we hit it off immediately; my daughter also took to him immediately which is what really matters. He told me he always had a crush on me but never expressed it because I was so involved with school and then my ex. Also at this point in time, the only correspondence I receive from my ex is that glorious $1000 check I still receive every month.Fast forward two years and the guy I met is now my husband. Approximately one week into our marriage, he brought up a desire he had: He wanted to adopt my daughter. He said that if she grew up with the last name of her step-father and mother's husband, we would make a proper family. I was totally excited about that prospect because my husband is such a great guy and my daughter is absolutely in love with him. She is HIS daddy's girl. I love it!My husband and I both thought, of course, that my ex would make this a difficult situation. But instead, my ex consented to it right off the bat. Fast forward a year and a half; he suddenly wants to see his daughter after years of next to no communication. Considering the last few years, I'm wondering: Is it okay to let him see his child after so many years of not doing so? He got married a few months ago after his now-wife got pregnant, so I'm wondering if he really IS mature enough to take our daughter out for lunch or whatever. He's kept up with his child support payments but that's it.Thank you for any advice!
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male
reader, Moonknight  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 This all sounds very hard and i am sure the day to day details of this is far more complex than words can say right now, but from what you've said i think you should rethink this a bit.First up, he made it clear he didn't want a child... regardless of all the crap he said about you (And it was very horrible, he has no right to say such things) he still insisted on not having a child.Now as bad as it sounds to not go through with a pregnancy... he does have that right and a say in it, ultimately it's just a "say" and means nothing because by the end of the day whatever you decide in the situation to have a child or not there is nothing he can do about it.Since you went against his wishes and still had a child, it doesn't come as a surprise that he broke things off with you and went his separate ways.Now at a young age of 17, it is hard for a a boy who isn't yet an adult to take on the challenge of father hood, he did deed so he should take it on but that is alot to take on for him at 17.Females mature mentally faster than males do, so again it comes as no surprise that you seem to handle it alot better than he did.You can't say he's left you with nothing because he has kept up with child support by the book... and i think you will find most people may agree that is a generous amount compared to some fathers.He may not have been there for his child but he has done everything else while not being around... it seems like he just needed time to mature upto the issue.He has a right to see his child if he chooses so... although personally i do not believe it's a good idea since your daughter is already settled into the family she knows, it would have been better for him to come into the picture when she is ready and start asking question... that's not the case though.Let him see his daughter because surely some part of him wanted to be a father all along or else he would have surely made problems with paying child support, if he is not interested in his daughter it will become clear very fast and you will know what to do.I will say please do not go too crazy with your daughter name change and tricking her into believing her father is someone he isn't! this will mess her up later on in life because at this point your thinking about your own happiness and not hers, later when she becomes old enough to understand it all, she may turn around and hate you for never letting her father come back in her life...Girls prefer their fathers over their mothers, the bond between a father and daughter can be very strong and they will automatically have alot in common, because he is her biological father.The bottom line is to all this, is you must make him see his daughter but take extreme caution, this can shake up your relationship and cause jealously or "Man pride" to come in play
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (6 March 2011):
I think the important thing is what your daughter wants to do. I also think it can be important to try and foster a good relationship with her blood dad, because she may feel bitter later on that he never cared or bothered enough to spend time with her, or upset with you that he did try and you rejected it. I think that for kids where the parents split up, the best thing for them is if the parents can have a civil decent relationship, with minimal drama and fighting. It sets a good example of conflict management, and relationships. And although it wasn't right that he hasn't tried before this, people can change and mature. Also, he has always fulfilled his financial obligations towards her, without trying to get out of that. You both were young when this happened, it's understandable that he did freak out. And personally, I feel that men get the short end of the stick when it comes to unplanned pregnancy. It does take 2 to have sex, but after that, the choice is entirely the woman's and after that the man is financially obligated for the next 18-21 or so years of life. As an aside, I think you've done a great job raising your daughter yourself at so young an age, and making a stable family!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): It's true that your ex had not supported you wen you really wanted it. At 17, people usually freak out at such matters, and that's exactly what he has done.But after that he seems to have been responsible. He has made sure to pay up the child-support payments on time. He has not interfered with any of your decisions after that. So, I think you should let your daughter meet him. If you still have any apprehension, go with your family and meet him with his family.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Hm well honestly screw him and what he wants. do you think your daughter can handle it. what is her best interest? I would say, if you did let him see her start it off easy, supervised visits. make sure he is proper
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