A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a man online in a chat room when I was feeling a bit down and lonely four years ago, we have talked continuously throughout this time. But over the last year, we have grown ever closer and talk every single day. I finally felt ready to meet him after talking over Skype, texts and phone calls for four years (I'm a bit funny about meeting people on the internet) so we had planned to meet next week in person for the very first time. I was really excited, it sounds so stupid but I have really fallen hard for this man regardless of the fact we had never actually physically met. He suddenly went very quiet as it was growing ever closer that we were going to meet in person and if I'm honest I just thought he was going to chicken out and not come or whatever. Then I woke up to a really long Skype message yesterday morning and he confessed that he is actually married with two children and he didn't want to lie to me anymore.. Or meet me without me knowing what was and had been going on the whole time. He says he has been married to her for ten years and their marriage has been loveless for about five years because she isn't the person he married anymore and hasn't been for a long time, he just doesn't know how to end it because she is deeply depressed and he has tried to leave twice in the past year because it isn't right that he is more in love with someone he met online than his own wife (she doesn't know about me however) and after he tried to leave she has threatened and attempted suicide at the thought of him leaving. And he is beyond knowing what to do. This man has lied to me, deceived his wife (okay, not physically cheated on her) but we have mutually masturbated over webcam to each other from time to time, and certainly had an emotional affair. I've said this is ridiculous, he has been talking to me for four years and he has never mentioned his wife or two boys to me.. He has ruined any trust I had in him. He said if he had told me the situation he was in, I would have ran a mile and he has had feelings for me for a very long time and he didn't want to lose that but he doesn't know how to end his marriage, he also has his children who he is the main carer for to think about. If he was divorced with kids or whatever, I could have lived with that.. But he is still married to this woman and it makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do, I'm lost for words and I can't even talk to anybody about it because I don't know what they would think of me, I feel like a dirty homewrecker, even though I didn't know about his secret other life.
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (9 August 2014):
 You have had some great feedback OP and I hope you now see that this man has played upon your naivity and innocence. Chat-rooms are notorious for men befriending children and underage teens and grooming them for sex.
If you are aged 18-19 then he was doing this to you from the age of 14 or so and therefore is a sexual predator who was grooming you. If you are 20-21 then he saw you as a barely legal girl at first, innocent, naïve and down and lonely. He wanted to take advantage of that.
You need to learn from this. The problem with getting to know someone one line is that you never, ever know that person AT ALL until you meet. Now matter how many years you spend emailing, speaking on the phone, texting, sexting, talking at in intimate level or web cam masturbating...the fact is you never know that person at all until you spend time with them in real life. They can construct elaborate lies, fake lives, live out the fantasy of being who, what, or where they want to be and you have no way of knowing otherwise.
As you have never met him, he could be ten, twenty years older than he claims and faking that isn't hard, he could be on the sex offenders register, he could be in jail!!!
A female friend of mine was encouraged to masturbate on webcam for a guy she had spoke to for five years online. Five years of declaring undying love and commitment to her (without meeting) and the moment she finished masturbating on cam, she got a message saying "All the lads enjoyed that one! Big cheers this end! Fuck you bitch!"
You should have questioned the fact that for all those years he didn't meet with you. Sorry but that should have made it crystal clear that there was an issue. If he liked you, had nothing to hide, and was serious about it he would want to meet you in real life, not hide behind a screen for half a decade.
The standard cack he gave you about his loveless marriage, her threatening suicide, blah, blah is BULL SHIT!!! Please don't for one moment believe that. We hear those same old lines so many times on here. He is making excuses for his behaviour. If he is even married. More likely you have become to old for him. He has probably realised you are now too old to groom, too old to continue with the game. He is probably moving on to another young teen as he sounds a right sick bastard.
You "fell hard" for someone you didnt know outside of the virtual word and the persona he allowed you to see. You were in love with a non existent person based on what you wanted to hear. He would tell you things that made him sound amazing yet it was all lies.
You didn't do anything to wreck his home life. You were young, naïve and had that taken advantage of. His claims of a loveless marriage and suicidal wife is the standard response from a guy like him...making out he had good reason for cheating.
Lots of men are in loveless marriages...but they don't ask young girls in chat rooms to go on web cams and have a strum. If he IS married with kids then think about this: he was happy to see you masturbate at a young age, he was chatting to you in a chat room when you were very young and innocent, he is a liar and trying to groom you....he has children of his own. Makes me sick thinking about it.
I would take his claims of marriage with a pinch of salt anyway. He is a liar and bullshitter and someone whos good with excuses. he is probably in jail and that's why he cant meet you or he is actually 65.
Mark
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 And I hope the comclusion of all this is, that you are NOT going to meet in person, right ? because his long tale of woes about his unhappy marriage ( which sounds like usual standard bullshit to me ) is anyway his business only . You should not care. He is married, period , and you don't want to get involved , I hope.
Not to make you feel worse but just to call things by their proper names, no it was not " emotional cheating ". It was cheating, pure and simple. You engaged in sexual acts with a real person ( he other than with his legitimate partner ) for the scope of mutual arousal and mutual physical release.
But , it's not your fault, you did not know and he took advantage of your trust, younger age and inexperience.
Maybe you should be even funniER about meeting people from on line. For instance, straggling things for FOUR years !!, it's not necessarily a wise move, or a sign of utter prudence on either part. More often, it's the signal that there's something fishy, and that they have good reasons to keep you at arm's length. A person who is really interested and free to date will want to meet you asap, or at least within a reasonable time, not just to keep it as a fantasy or a romantic pen pal. The meeting can be organized with the usual precautions, at day time, in a PUBLIC place, you can even bring a friend along ,why not. You should have their real name and address by the time you meet up, so that if you wish you can google them, or even run a background check.
In this time and age it is pretty normal and if a person has got nothing to hide they won't resent your prudence and will apply the same .
But romancing a girl for 4 years... in fact, inducing her to have sex before you have even met - ( unless having cyberencounters is the explicit intent of the
online person, and it has been openly admitted by one party and accepted by the other ) it's a sign that there's something weird going on.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 You must not take this personally whatsoever.
This man started talking to you & he didn't tell you the truth regarding what he was doing to you emotionally online, nor did he disclose anything about his marriage, which was very low & very wrong of him.
You had obviously started chatting with this man when you were approximately 15 or 16, which is very young, whichever way you look @ it.
This man was obviously much older & what he did to you could be looked upon as child grooming, or i would even go as far as to say phedophilia.
You knew nothing about his private life, so DO NOT beat yourself up about it ok.
Cease all communication with him immediately & report him.
Do not allow him to torment your emotional well being & do not waste another 4 yrs of your life allowing this to continue.
You are older & wiser now anyway, so get on with your life & try to forget him.
You may require professional counselling to assist you in doing this.
I would advise you to visit yr local GP & ask for a referral to speak to a professional, this is very crucial for your healing, your overall well being & for you to find complete closure with time.
Without the all important closure, you will find it very difficult to move on, keep your heart open to finding the truest & most sincere love of your life, in the future.
You are too precious & your time is way too precious.
Btw, do not look @ this as a waste of many years of your life, look @ it as a huge life lesson & a real learning experience.
Good luck & let us all know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (9 August 2014):
You must not take this personally whatsoever.
This man started talking to you & he didn't tell you the truth regarding what he was doing to you emotionally online, nor did he disclose anything about his marriage, which was very low & very wrong of him.
You had obviously started chatting with this man when you were approximately 15 or 16, which is very young, whichever way you look @ it.
This man was obviously much older & what he did to you could be looked upon as child grooming, or i would even go as far as to say phedophilia.
You knew nothing about his private life, so DO NOT beat yourself up about it ok.
Cease all communication with him immediately & report him.
Do not allow him to torment your emotional well being & do not waste another 4 yrs of your life allowing this to continue.
You are older & wiser now anyway, so get on with your life & try to forget him.
You may require professional counselling to assist you in doing this.
I would advise you to visit yr local GP & ask for a referral to speak to a professional, this is very crucial for your healing, your overall well being & for you to find complete closure with time.
Without the all important closure, you will find it very difficult to move on, keep your heart open to finding the truest & most sincere love of your life, in the future.
You are too precious & your time is way too precious.
Btw, do not look @ this as a waste of many years of your life, look @ it as a huge life lesson & a real learning experience.
Good luck & let us all know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): If thé age stated above is correct then you must have been 14 or 15 when you started talking to him. There is a word for what happened between you two. It's called grooming.
Ofcourse it worked since you were young and impressionable and you find yourself attached to him despite that he's lied to you for 4 years. My point is this 30 year old man started talking to a 14 year old girl online and Web cammmed sexually with you. His interest and intentions are not noble. He's preyed on you BECAUSE of your age and naivety. No mature self respecting woman would have fallen for his bulls hit -that's why he chose you.
Here's where it gets better. You can take back the control in your life. First of all. Stop living online. Start living in the real world. You have school / college / training / university where you can meet people who you can actually hang out with and do stuff with. Words are easy. But real friends show you action. Allow deep friendships and relationships to develop and you will be amazed at what a wonderful world it is. I'm not much older than you and I had many holidays and had exciting experiences at your age simply because I took a part time job while studying. You have the advantage of time and lack of responsibilities - you don't have to worry about a mortgage for instance.
Honestly, be brave and dare to live. You'll regret the 4 years you WASTED on this loser. Can you ever trust him again? If by some miracle he leaves his wife for you, will you trust him around your young nieces? Around your friends? He's shown himself to be manipulative duping you into falling before he came clean.
All those conversations where you asked him how his day was and what he got up to he basically lied to you about it all. I'm sure he had happy, sad, angry, excited moments EVERY SINGLE DAY with his wife and children that he omitted to mention. So what exactly do you know about him? Very little apart from what he has told you. And that has turned out to be lies.
I hope you make a wise and mature decision about this.
I wish you well ;-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Hi dear writerI'm sorry to hear what has happened to you. It sounds like you may have been feeling vulnerable and reached out to someone for support and now your feelings have become involved in a man whos already taken.I can imagine this must be difficult for you and that maybe your a little in shock and experiencing feelings of been betrayed. But I feel that showing yourself some compassion and understanding may help you to be less harsh towards yourself.Your feelings are their for a reason. They are their to guide and support you in life for when things are "off the mark". As women we are blessed with womens intuition, but I get a sense that you have been drawn in and that you may not be able to see things 100 percent clearly. Well I want to say that don't worry, everything is going to be ok! You've become a little bit involved in a situation that would be the wrong cause of action to take any further.I know this because he is married already so he wont be able to give himself to you because he's already someone elses. If he was being completely straight with you and an honest person then why did he draw you in emotionally and then wait until 4 years until you were emotionally involved to tell you that he is married with two children. You DON'T have to settle for crumbs when their are men who are already available and not spoken for.I doubt this man will leave his wife for you and even if he did then what would a relationship between you and him feel like with trust tarnished. What I feel would help you is if you could write yourself a letter expressing to yourself all that you feel inside and connect with the authentic part of yourself to get in touch with your true feelings and ask yourself what would your advice be to some one you care about.My message to you is that you have had a lucky escape and that would be best disconnecting from a crumbs situation because your worth more! Also you were attracted into this situation for a reason, so maybe if you can find reason within yourself to discover what attracted you to this man then it may help you to discover some of your important lite lessons.Good luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 You didn't wreck any home or marriage, HE did, when he decided to start an emotional affair with you.
If I were you I'd CUT the contact 100%, don't let him SUCKER you in with sob stories about how horrible his marriage is and how little love there is, HE could have WALKED away from the marriage and wife 5 years ago. He stayed, and my BET is that he might be a little bored and that YOU have provided him with a long term fantasy - man, 4 YEAR fantay.
YOU can not trust him, he is full of horse-poop.
Next time don't let it go 4 years before you met up or find out who they really are. Especially not if you share "sexual" stuff online, you don't know WHO record that and who really SEES it.
Let this be a lesson. People lie. People lie REALLY well when they want something from you. Always consider your safety online.
And for your sake, block him from contacting you, and find a way to move on. YOU deserve better than this. And living in a fantasy relationship isn't helping you.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
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