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female
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anonymous
writes: Normally I’m not a jealous person by nature, but I don’t know what to do about my current situation. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half. After six months, I moved into his place. I moved out six months later after breaking up with him for some bad behavior on the internet. Three months after the breakup we decided to try to work things out. I was very honest with him and told him that there would be some trust issues that only time would heal. He understood and has been very open and honest. He’s even been seeing a therapist to work through issues he has with self-esteem which he feels caused his internet “flirting“. While we were apart, he dated another girl for about a month. He ended it with her to reconcile with me. She called one night at 3:30 a.m. to let him know that she had been in a car accident, but that she was o.k. Two weeks later she calls him at work at 4:30 a.m. and left a hysterical voicemail saying she needed someone to talk to. I wish she were the only problem.He also has a female friend that he’s known for 20 years. The year prior to meeting me, they took their friendship to a sexual level. During our relationship he only spoke to her on two occasions. When we broke up, she called and asked him to sleep with her…he declined. The problem is, whenever she’s drunk and horny she calls him…even last week on my birthday at 3:30 a.m. Everything he’s ever told me about her is negative. She’s known for destroying other people’s relationships and marriages and she has a serious drinking problem. After MUCH heated discussion, I told him that I want these two women out of our lives permanently. It took an additional week and a HUGE argument for him to finally make the calls telling them to leave him alone. He refused to discuss the conversations with me. Now he tells me he feels awful and he doesn’t like hurting people like that. So I’m the bad guy. By the way, he has other female friends that he’s slept with and they don’t bother me one bit because they respect our relationship. But these two don’t even respect themselves let alone us! I seriously do not think he would ever physically cheat on me, but this emotional baggage is really upsetting. He’s told me that he’d never spend time with his F@#$buddy alone…he doesn’t trust her to not make a move on him. I say that these two are pieces of trash and not even worthy of his friendship…am I wrong? HELP!
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at work, broke up, drunk, horny, jealous, move on, moved in, moved out, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): I think he just wants to make you feel inferior to the situation. H ethinks that you'll do anything for him(maybe even sex)if you fall for him and feel bad enough to win him back. He's a jerk and somewhere out there there's a wonderful guy that will do ANYTHING and jump across the world to be with you and he will always look deep into your eyes and you will trust him with every ounce you've got. NOMATTER WHAT! Lets face it.... your current boyfriend is not the one you want to make you happy....and so far he's not doing a very good job of it anyhow. lol!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): I think he just wants to make you feel inferior to the situation. H ethinks that you'll do anything for him(maybe even sex)if you fall for him and feel bad enough to win him back. He's a jerk and somewhere out there there's a wonderful guy that will do ANYTHING and jump across the world to be with you and he will always look deep into your eyes and you will trust him with every ounce you've got. NOMATTER WHAT! Lets face it.... your current boyfriend is not the one you want to make you happy....and so far he's not doing a very good job of it anyhow. lol!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): I think he just wants to make you feel inferior to the situation. H ethinks that you'll do anything for him(maybe even sex)if you fall for him and feel bad enough to win him back. He's a jerk and somewhere out there there's a wonderful guy that will do ANYTHING and jump across the world to be with you and he will always look deep into your eyes and you will trust him with every ounce you've got. NOMATTER WHAT! Lets face it.... your current boyfriend is not the one you want to make you happy....and so far he's not doing a very good job of it anyhow. lol!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): If you loved her THAT much, you would have listened to her and stopped all ties to the exs.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 This all sounds a little far fetched now???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): Well i am the ex boyfriend. While I admit to nearly everything she has said, there is a little bit of grey here.
I love this woman more than life it's self, I have done more than any man could to be good to her, she will admit it. Yes I probably should have been a bit sterner with the ex's, but i was trying to be decent to all.
The car accident girl that was easy, as mentioned before she beat me to the punch. And yes i opened the convo by asking why she called. the whole thing was under a minute. I was trying to be civil, we have mutual friends~!
The second one, that was tougher, she was an old friend and very dear to me. BUT i cut off that 20 year friendship. My choice, I do not blame her at all, it was my call.
now this list thing, it was a call that said happy birthday, and call me. I was so going to tell her that i got the call, but wanted to wait till the next day. It was a stressful enough day i thought, so i foolishly waited to say anything.
Everyone out there needs to know that this woman is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her unconditionally. It sucks that i have hurt her, i never tried. I only hope that she is happy, i tried my best.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 July 2006):
Good luck with whatever happen sweetie!
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell today was HIS birthday. Not only did he get a nice happy call from yet another ex. (Which he tried to hide from me by immediately turning down the volume on his answering machine) But then he told me that when he called car accident girl SHE apologized for calling before he could even mention anything. So what does he do...he asked her what happened...basicly showing her interest and starting a conversation. Not the point of him calling at all. Needless to say, I'm done with it. We broke up again. He said that he's sorry but he's just a nice guy. Too bad he didn't consider my feelings as much as he considered theirs. Thanks for all your comments and advice.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (15 July 2006):
I was going to reply to your message by saying you needed to show a little more tolerance, but after the third and forth reading I have changed my mind!!
I am all for friendships across the genders. I have many friends of different colours, religions and sex. I also have good and healthy friendships with ex-sexual partners.
But these women do not have *healthy* regard for your BF they are almost terratorial!! You are right to put your foot down and you did right to allow the friendships to continue at first. This shows you are not having a knee-jerk reaction towards them just based on their gender!!
I wish you luck. I also hope you BF grows up to see that he has a good and loving GF in you. Someone who will support him and doesn't *kick-off* at the first sign of something going wrong.
Good luck
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to the three of you! I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I really needed my feelings validated on this issue. I feel so much better! Thank you! Thank you! Thank You!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): No, you aren't the bad guy here. He isn't either because he can't control the actions of his ex gf's. And yes, most prior sexual partners/lovers do back off and respect an ex bf's new relationship. He did the right thing by ending all contact with these women. These girls were 'choosing' to continually contaminate your relationship and you asked him to end it...good for you. At least by putting yourself on the line and asking him to do this, you both now have the chance of building the trust, as opposed to you hurting and living with doubts. That's no way to conduct a respectful, loving relationship. Not to venture and ask for respect and honor in a relationship, is to lose yourself.
I think most of us would have done the same thing. He needs to understand that you do cherish him but you've had a bad experience (internet flirting) with him that has shown he could be predisposed to cheat. Kudos to him for doing something about this. He has went to therapy to understand why he did this and he has reassured you it won't happen again. Sadly, the trust between you both is still shaky. Now, he is trying to rebuild that 'trust' so I have to say-he must love you very much. Give him credit and let him know you are working hard at trying to trust so you both can continue your relationship in a healthy, loving, committed manner. Have faith in him and his love for you. Sit down with him and tell him lovingly and calmly, that all this is to be put in the past (forget it), keep building the trust...so you two can move forward into a happy, solid future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): I was in a very similar situation as you are now!
I found out my ex-girlfriend had been with someone else (we were not technically "together" - but it was still wrong - only her and I really understand why this is so) and then, when we broke up for 6 weeks last year, she was with 3 other people.
I was devastated by this, and after MANY arguments she agreed not to see them any more because I was uncomfortable about it.
Our relationship didn't work out in the end. To give her some credit, she did take these people out of her life (until the day we broke up) but she resented me for it and refused to ever listen to how I felt about it.
She never really understood why I was upset by it, and things came to ahead one weekend when she got together with someone else (whilst still being in a relationship with me)
I had the whole thing turned around on me too. We argued so much about what had happened, and her friends were told a very one sided story which resulted in one of them actually phoning me up and giving me her opinion about the whole thing and how unreasonable I was, just what I wanted to hear when I had just found out she cheated on me and ended a 2 year relationship. Bitch.
This is why I am now so big on "actions speak louder than words". I always ignored my gut feeling about her, and chose to listen to her words, not her actions. I'm over the relationship now, and feel incredably pleased it worked out the way it did, no more painful memories of what had happened.
Be very perseptive about his reactions. If he seems reluctant to put you first, take it as a warning that he is not as commited to you as you are him. Listen to that gut feeling, it is probably right.
My ex-girlfriend fed me all sorts of things that she knew I wanted to hear about the reasons she did it (she even saw a therapist too), etc, but actually, she meant little, if any of it. I know this now because of all the lies she has since told to her new boyfriend and her friends since we broke up.
Go with your gut feeling, and don't allow him to make you feel like you have done ANY THING wrong, you haven't. If you love him, it is understandable why you would not want these other women in your life. He should see that. I know if I had done the same thing, I would do everything to make things right in their eyes.
And if the arguing continues - seriously consider ending it. My biggest regret is I didn't do it faaaaaaar sooner!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 July 2006):
 Tough situation but I think you made the right call.
Those two women are always going represent a threat to your relationship. There is absolutely no reason why you should tolerate that. And your feelings have to come first.. you are his girlfriend, not either of them.
What is more, you have shown tolerance by not forcing the issue with his other exes. It really is quite normal for new partners to insist on 'no contact with exes' at all, or perhaps all except one or two due to exceptional circumstances.
I would do the same thing in your sitution, perhaps more, certainly not less.
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