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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am a 37 year old highly educated successful, professional american woman and twice divorced from 2 men who were from other countries (I'm a sucker for the exotic, I guess) Unfortunately that has left me rather scarred when it comes to marriage. Last year I started dating someone also from outside the US and fell in love, only to find out that he was in the country illegally, which was why his job was a little weird, and his income was so limited. The pressure that I know he felt to get married and solve the problem was never discussed and he never asked me to marry him, not because he didn't want to get married, but because he knew that I had really bad past experiences with marriage and he didn't want to make me make that decision.Well he's decided now to get married in order to solve his problem and I am not the person he is marrying. It will be a business transaction, but it's killing me. I'm not ready to get married, but I can't stay with him if he is marrying someone else. I'm really in love with him, but think it's too soon to make this decision about marriage. Then again, I'm 37, twice divorced, and childless. He loves me like I've never been loved but is paying for my mistakes. I'm petrified to lose such an exceptional person, but equally petrified to make this mistake again. What do I do...?
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (18 April 2006):
 I think that he is marrying the other woman because he knows how you feel about marriage now, and doesnt want to pressure you into marrying him when you dont feel comfortable with it. The way I thought it worked was the government needs to see proof that the couple are in love, have bank accounts together, need to speak to people that know the couple... Before allowing him to stay in the country because of marriage. Maybe its changed now, or different for different countries. But I know they used to have this in order to stop two random people from getting married. This is a tough one. You have to work out what marriage means to you now. Obviously it means a completely different thing to what it meant to you when you were engaged to your first husband. If you want to be with him more than anything, and say you couldnt if he was married to someone else, then you have already made up your mind that you should marry him. If you are going to, I would propose to him in a romantic way. Make it special, not just an offical thing, but show him that its something you really want to do.
Id love to know what you decide. Best wishesx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2006): You are asking us what can you do. Frankly, I don't know, hun. This is what happens when you hand your heart and emotions over to a man, who's in the country illegally. You end up getting inadvertantly involved with all his illegal baggage and in the end, heartbreaking decisions must be made. The honest thing he could've done, was told you right off the start, that 1) he was in the country illegally and 2) a marriage of convenience might be necessary, in order for him to stay. It was then you could've made the clearcut, informed choice to exit this relationship with him before getting deeply involved. I think that was rather selfish of him 'not' to tell you immediately after meeting you. It's obvious he needs to do something to remain in this country..in order to gain his citizenship. So now you have to just deal. Perhaps, if you don't want to lose this man, you may have to rethink your stand on marriage and just marry the guy. If you aren't prepared to, then you have no choice to accept what he doing.
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A
male
reader, ThatGuy +, writes (17 April 2006):
Personally, i belive this guy is not worth your truble, if he is willing to marry someone else then he is not as in love with you as he lead you to belive. I think you should talk to him, saying that if you really diddnt want to put the pressure on me, why are you going to marry this other woman, that is more pressure then the choice to marry. and if you do marry him it is unlikely to work out as you did it out of worry that he will marry another. talk to him, if there is no reasoning with him, move on.That Guy
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