A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been cheated on 3 years after I was married, by the person whom I knew for more than 10 years and who showed me nothing but pure love, respect and trust.We had a beautiful love story that a lot of people envied and wished they would have the same.During those first 3 years of our marriage, I spent 6 months with him and six months in a different country for work reasons. He assured me that we were in this together(being away from each other for a good reason, but that was gonna end by the 3rd year of our marriage). We would cry when we say goodbye and we felt the same pain when we were away from each other, according to his emails and during phone calls.He confessed that he cheated on me almost a year and a 1/2 after the fact. My daughter was 11 months when he told me that he cheated on me before I got pregnant. When he told that, I remember that I couldn't see but darkness around me, a painful shock. To me, it was impossible to let my daughter live without her biological father. He's the only one who's gonna be able to give her the love of a father. If I knew before I got pregnant, I would have left him without looking back, even though I know that he still love me like before. Today, 4 years after the shock, I'm still in pain and sadness, but at the same time I try my best to make things workout again. I still can't look him in the eye. When we sleep together, it's just sex, when we kiss, I don't feel those butterflies in my belly like I used to, there is no more passion. It's very hard for me because I'm a sensitive person and I have so much love and passion inside me, but I can't let them out because I don't feel that my husband deserves them. I don't feel comfortable with him after what he did to me. He feels sad when I'm sad and he feels bad for torturing the person who gave up a lot of things for him. I had so many offers from men to go out with them even just as friends, but I wouldn't go out with them because I know that my husband is not gonna like that.What made write this today is the fact that I discovered a couple of suspicious emails between my husband and a woman he works with. He confessed that he went to her house for only a cup of coffee with no bad intentions and he told me that he knows his limits after what he did to me the 1st time and he swore that they didn't touch or kiss or any of that. He said that he wouldn't do that again after the 1st time. According to the emails and to him, he visited her only once. From the emails, I think that he's trying to visit her again, but he told me that this is just joking with each other and flirting is a man's nature.Of course, this doesn't make any sense to me. I want to believe him but I can't. I believe him that they didn't have a physical contact, but I have a feeling that if they kept with this joke(if it is a joke), it's gonna lead somewhere. Especially when he knows that I don't like him to be with a woman alone anywhere after what he did to me before. I think that this was disrespectful for his family (I have 2 kids now) to go to a woman's house alone even though he had no bad intentions as he claims/swears.So this took me back 4 years and I'm in great pain again and I don't know what to expect from him. I don't want to leave him because of my kids, they love him so much and he loves them too and he swears that he loves me too and he's not gonna do anything to hurt me again.Nowadays, this world is filled with a lot of temptations and porno and all that disgusting stuff that's going on on TVs, Internet, even cell phones.Should I believe him? Will I have to keep watching his emails and cell phone? Will I have to keep acting like a jealous wife which of course it bothers him, even though he caused it?It really hurts not to be able to live that love life again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my questions. Each one of you is right and I know all that, but my only worry is the kids, taking them away from their father, because I wouldn't stay in the same State if I leave him and as I mentioned before I'm a very sensitive person and I can't see my kids sad because their daddy can't be with them.In response to one of the questions, he had an affair in the 3rd year when I was away for a few months and he ended it and his excuse was that he was so depressed because I was away from him. But we were together in that and I felt the same like he did and I had lots of offers from men, I didn't even accept to just go out with one of them for lunch.I feel that he's not trying enough to make things workout. I asked him once to make me love him again because that feeling that I had once for him was so beautiful and wonderful and I always felt that it was mutual because he was always romantic and affectionate.We will see what's gonna happen, it's very hard for me to feel that insecurity and divorce is always in my head and the kids too(most important). Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): I have to say that there is never any excuse for cheating.
However, I think it is a very personal choice as to whether or not you can save your marriage after an affair.
Your marriage was very much at risk for an affair however, because in the first three years of your marriage, you weren't together half the year! That is hard to deal with and I can't imagine starting out life together under those conditions, but cudos to you for pulling it off.
I know you were devestated about his affair, he was honest with you and told you about it. Was it a one off thing, or was this an ongoing affair?
The thing about cheating, however, is that it sometimes is because the marriage has some problems that aren't being addressed and there is a certain amount of unhappiness in the marriage.
To me it seems you never forgave him after he admitted the affair, yet you chose to stay in the marriage. You say you can't look at him in the eye still after all this time, and you basically have lost your loving feelings for him. Well, let me ask you this, if you were on the receiving end of that and you did not want to end your marriage because you felt bad and new it was your fault to begin with, would you be tempted to find love and affection outside of your marriage, or would you resign yourself to a loveless marriage?
It is not good for your children to grow up in a household where there parents do not love each other. In all honesty, I think you have been part of the problem. You have to take him off the hook at some point, you have to be willing to wipe the slate clean and decide that your love for each other is worth the risk of working on the marriage and moving forward.
Sounds to me you have never done that. I strongly recommend instead of acting bitter and vindictive to first work out the unfinished emotional business between you. Go to counseling and do the work and see if you can't save your marriage, for the kid's sake and for yours. If after you no longer feel bitter and sad about leaving the marriage, if you don't think there is any love left, then do everyone a favor and file for divorce. Make sure you protect yourself before filing by getting legal representation and finding out all the information you need to know about your assets and your finances and find out if you or your husband are due a bonus and time the divorce after that so that you can receive half of everything. I don't mean to be vindictive and clean him out, but you built this life together and you have certain legal rights if you should decide to divorce, just make sure you are educated and prepared should you need to file.
I hope you can work things out between you.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Dont confront your husband until you have enough evidence.. he seems to think that you will believe anything he tells you, keep him thinking that way. He will then leave a trail for you to follow.I dont for one minute believe that he went for coffee to the woman's house and that they are just friends... there is something more brewing there so be very wary.Make sure you have your finances sorted out, and have the sheriff deliver the divorce summonds to him at work!! He will cry and beg and promise to change, but cheaters dont change, they just get better at hiding the evidence.You and your children deserve better, you dont need to live on your nerves all the time wondering what he is doing and with whom......
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (6 November 2009):
1. Should you believe him? No. He's already broken your trust, so why should you believe him? It's possible he hasn't done anything with that other woman YET, but it's total BS that it was just a joke about seeing her again. If I were you, I would not only be as upset as you are, I would be seriously pissed. How old does he think you are? 5-years old to believe it was a joke? That would certainly insult my intelligence and make me extremely angry.
2. Yes, you should keep watching his emails and cell phone. I wouldn't let him know about any of this and I think you should keep documentation of it that way you have proof to back it up. You're his wife and you're entitled to know especially with his behavior.
3. You're not acting like a jealous wife. You're just not turning a blind eye to what's going on and being in denial. If it bothers him so much tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine because he is disrespecting you AND your children. If you come to find that he's cheating again (which he's probably about to if he isn't already) then really bothering him by taking his sorry bum to court to get a divorce and milk him for child and spousal support. You deserve to be happy. You are not happy in this marriage and you don't deserve to be miserable for years on end.
If you want to be more "civil" about things, perhaps some sort of marriage counseling. If he's wanting to cheat again he either has a problem with himself or he's not getting something out of the marriage and is afraid to tell you, so instead he turns to cheating.
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