A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am married and have been with my husband for ten years and married for six years. There is honestly not much left of our relationship. The love is all but gone. All we do is argue and we are both miserable. My husband has anger and mental health issues that are hard to deal with. I feel obligated to stay with him out of a sense of duty. We have very young children who wouldn’t take it well if we separated. We also rely on each other financially. We have a mortgage which neither of us could afford on our incomes alone. We share health insurance, bank accounts, netflix and amazon accounts.. I feel like it would be so much work to deal with who gets what. Another reason I don’t leave is out of total guilt. I believe my husband is undiagnosed on the autism spectrum which makes it very difficult for him to connect with people socially. It would be very difficult for him to pursue another romantic relationship. He has no friends and is not close with his family. He is only close with my friends/family. If I left him, he would essentially have nobody. As much as I don’t want to be with him romantically, I don’t to see that happen.I have found myself attracted to coworker for some time now. He was in a ten year long relationship as well but hasn’t been with her or anyone in the past three years. I do fantasize about leaving my husband for him. We do not talk outside of work, nor have we ever talked about how we feel about each other. Our relationship is flirtatious with sexual tension that I don’t think I am making up. There’s lots of eye contact and making excuses for for our paths to cross, as we don’t work in the same dept. he tends to stand closer to me than others, and his voice gets softer when speaking with me as opposed to other coworkers. He calls me Miss before my first name which I find adorable. We joke around a lot and he makes me laugh. Our conversations can sometimes be awkward as I feel we both nervously fumble over words when trying to talk to each other. He is very complementary toward me, tells me he likes what I am wearing, that I have a great sense of style, that I rock my wardrobe, and has told me that I am lovely. He sent me a simple christmas card last year that complimented me on my kindness and dedication to clients at work and that he can come to me about anything, even an ill timed joke. The card wasn’t necessarily inappropriate but felt strangely intimate to me. A client at work actually believed he and I were married to each other, after giving her no indication to believe we were. I told him the story and he was very flattered that she believed we were married. He told me I should have just ran with it and told her we we were. We now joke around about getting married to each other. I admit I do confide in him about my unhappy marriage and how I want to divorce my husband. He has confided in me about how his ex hurt him and he hasn’t been with a woman since, and how much he would love to find a relationship. I think about him constantly. I feel like he understands me. I get butterflies around him. I find myself dressing up nicely, doing my hair and putting on makeup/perfume specifically for him. I also feel he dresses up a little nicer than what is needed in our industry. Am I just imagining this chemistry and making up the sexual tension between us? Does this sound like an innocent friendship or am I having an emotional affair?
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affair, at work, christmas, co-worker, divorce, flirt, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2021): I dont usually agree with flirts initially when in marriage.stop it or it`ll end up in your face.love your husband first
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2021):
 I fully agree with WiseOwlE
YOU are having a budding emotional affair and you know it. This isn't friendship. You don't dress to the nine and put on extra perfume for a friend at work.
You are using your unhappiness in your marriage and your commitment to your family as an EXCUSE for wanting to cheat.
You don't want to be with your husband but you feel you should, for your kids. Which is valid. However, this is NOT better for the kids to live with 2 parents who resent each other and argue all the time.
If the issues you two have are insurmountable, YOU need to find a way to do the BEST for your kids as a single mom, NOT just go out and screw around. CHEATING fixes nothing.
You write that your husband would have no one if you left. So it's OK to stay and use him for financial security while you run around and cheat?
You need to nip this "office romance in the bud". YOU are married. YOU gave your husband your vows. They should MEAN something.
Either SHIT or get off the pot, OP
This means ( in a less crass way) FIX your marriage - be that with marriage counseling or personal counseling for you both or ACCEPT that the marriage is NOT working and you need to disentangle yourself and the kids and make the BEST life for your kids that you can. Your kids should be your utmost priority, not you getting your flirt on.
No matter what CHEATING is never the answer. And what you are doing is budding emotional cheating and you know it.
Do the right thing. You are old enough to know right from wrong.
" I feel like it would be so much work to deal with who gets what. "
Seriously? That is what you HIRE a lawyer for! They help divide the assets. Your Netflix account? You worry about THAT shit?
You would have to sell the house and split whatever you get back, which you can reinvest in a house you CAN afford on your own.
Right now you live in a fantasy la-la land. Where you just want to taste a little "cake with frosting" of a new cake even though you have a whole "bakery" at home. But it's "complicated" because you would have to mix the ingredients and bake the cake and make the frosting to have cake at home. You seem to forget your husband and your kids are people with feelings. Your actions will affect everyone. Whether you CHEAT/keep emotionally cheating or your try and fix your marriage or divorce. It's not just YOU anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2021): "I feel obligated to stay with him out of a sense of duty. We have very young children who wouldn’t take it well if we separated. We also rely on each other financially. We have a mortgage which neither of us could afford on our incomes alone. We share health insurance, bank accounts, netflix and amazon accounts.. I feel like it would be so much work to deal with who gets what. Another reason I don’t leave is out of total guilt. I believe my husband is undiagnosed on the autism spectrum which makes it very difficult for him to connect with people socially."
These are all the serious considerations all married-couples must face when getting a divorce. They're also the excuses cheaters use to cheat on their spouses. A bad marriage is cause for a divorce; but it's not a pass to cheat. You're married until you're legally-divorced. You can't arbitrarily cancel your marriage, or place it hold; because you're flirting with somebody. You know that, right?!!
This all comes across as great justification for cheating. All the bases are covered. We get it! Your marriage is a bust. Uhm...but you're still married!!! The presumed affair, fling, or flirtations might be discovered; and your husband is going to be livid! These days, you have no idea how people will react under stress; and when pushed to a highly emotional and aggravated state of mind. Had you considered he might decisively divorce you, and battle you for full-custody of the children? People are quite different and unpredictable when you betray them. I'm just saying! You're caught-up in fantasy at the moment, and you're not thinking clearly. All the same, you know better!
If you can't get a divorce, had you considered marriage-counseling? Even if you've tried it before, maybe you should try it again with a different counselor. I foresee a mess in your future. Especially, when you're dragging a co-worker into your bad-marriage situation. This could end in tragedy.
Stop the flirting, and work on your marriage. You'll likely have an affair that might end the very day you sleep with him. Sex may be all he's looking for. You can't read minds, and players will drag you to hell to get up your skirt.
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