A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm currently 8 months in to a LDR, (we're separated by 10000 miles) and I've just arrived at hers two days ago for a three week visit. The problem I now have is that from the moment I landed she's been off, we've had a chat and she's now told me that she's not the same person as before and doesn't think that this will work out. Now. I understand that even though I'm madly in love with this girl, relationships don't always work out and that's fine. The issue I do have however is that I'm now stuck the other side of the world feeling completely alone, and that considering the huge investment that this trip has cost me I pretty much have to stay at hers for the duration as originally planned. (We also have a week away already booked up for next week).I really don't know what to do, it's killing me having to spend this amount of time with someone you love (even staying in the same bed) without knowing where you stand. We have had a bit of intimacy and we still have a good time together which in a way I worse for me because it makes me hold out hope when there may not be any (again with the confusion). She has said that she wants me to have a decent holiday and experience the area but in reailty I'm pretty much here for her (which may I know has clearly added to pressure here). Im thinking about just booking myself in to a hostel when I get back from the week away together and doing my own thing but I pretty much think that that is admiting defeat and I don't want this to end. I'm not really sure what kind of responses I'm going to get here but I just feel alone and needed to share this somehow. Thanks for listening. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I need to ask how long where you both together before you both went to a long distant relationship? Or did this start LD? As 8 months is not a long time, and it is such a long distance it must be difficult to keep that relationship going. So I do see why she has doubts. I would recommend sitting down and talking to each other and asking why she feels this way. Let her try and explain to you. LD doesn't work for everyone am afraid.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2016): Assuming the relationship hasn't always been long distance: You're senses of hope aren't unjustified, in fact I feel that you need to respond to this by considering why it hasn't worked out. The awkwardness between the 2 of you is a sign that neither of you have really captured what you had in the past. Basically both of you wanted a long distance relationship, so if there's any respect left here she ought to be able to tell you from her side why she wanted it to work at first and why is it that she is not keen to remain in a relationship with you. It's probably not a good idea to press too hard for confirmation, but there may be some doubt in her mind that you can help her look past and if all goes well, you'll be right on track with your relationship intact.Assuming the relationship has always been long distance: There isn't much you can do I'm afraid. If this is your first visit and this is the reception you get then there really isn't going to be much of an improvement. It may not even be the long distance factor that is the issue it's probably the pace of the relationship, you fell in love too hard whereas she didn't.In both cases:You are going to need to consider whether or not a long distance is still enough to sustain this relationship. It already seems that you've decided you're going to call it quits when you get back, but that's just it isn't it? You're either going to have to remain at a long distance relationship or nothing at all.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (20 December 2016):
 oh you poor, poor man, I feel so sorry for you and angry with her. Why didn't she tell you before you arrived? what on earth is this girl playing at? In one way I would say don't make it easy for her and tag along with her for the next two weeks, but 1) She does not deserve your company and 2) It would make it harder for you. I would talk to her again and see what she says and if its negative I would just bomb out of there, I would not even stop to say goodbye. Even if it was positive I still would not trust her and she may freeload of you for two weeks so be careful there. She has treated you abominably. Sham because you seem like a nice bloke. If you are stuck out wherever you are try to make the most of it hard it will be I know. But hold your head up high your far better than her and there is someone better waiting for you xxx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2016):
 That really IS the risk of meeting someone online. Chemistry might not BE there and you can't "make" it happen. And being charming, sweet, smart, whatever online is easier too, as the other person will interpret things in THEIR own way. No matter HOW you look at things, you really ARE 2 strangers. I know it can FEEL like you really know the other person after 8 months of talking, that you feel a connection and emotions that sometimes just ISN'T here in person.
I think booking into a hotel when you are "done" with the week away is a good idea and maybe suggest you take the couch instead of sharing the bed.
And IF you can try and see her as a pen-pal/friend you are visiting rather than a potential GF, because that boat has sailed.
She really SHOULD have told you that she didn't want a relationship WAY before you got there, but here you are. Hopefully, there are things to do and see while you are there, so take advantage that you are halfway across the World and explore.
The week long getaway might be something you two can cancel? And then you take those two weeks and see what's out there in her country instead of trying to make something happen that really won't?
Think it over. And put yourself FIRST here.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (19 December 2016):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) That's sort of a slap in the face to be told all of this the moment you get there to be with her. It's unfortunate at all. It says a lot about her character, if she doesn't see herself with you then that's not your problem. It's hers.
Looks like she has things she still needs to figure out. You obviously care a lot about her, and I empathize completely about your situation. It doesn't feel good on those who do whatever they can to be with someone who isn't even sure about how they feel.
If you feel it'd be best, I'd highly suggest getting the hotel room, ask her where her mind is at. If she's still unclear, I'd let her know that you think it's best you both move on, or find some sort of medium. Because this is only turning into something that could potentially hurt you even more.
You're a good guy, it's a shame this has happened.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 December 2016):
 She's told you its not going to work out. I think for her it's already over and I think you need to let that sink in.
I think booking your own place would be a good idea. At least you can try to enjoy the rest of your trip that way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 December 2016):
 From the tone of your question I think it has already ended. Booking into a hostel sounds like a good idea, I am feeling a bit peeved on your part that the girl in question didn't have the guts to let you know her feelings had changed before you got there .... also for her not finding you another bed and allowing your hope for the relationship to remain by being somewhat intimate with you.
All you can do is make the best of a bad lot. Make the most of the week away and if you can, take a few little side trips sightseeing or whatever on your own, it will help kickstart the detachment process. Also arrange if you can, to sleep on your own ... same where you are now, if there is a couch and you fit on it, make that your bed for the duration.
Sighh, I wish there was something more concrete I could do for you, keep your chin up, you have acted in good faith, shame the other party didn't!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): This sounds like agony for you. How horrible. She should have told you before. I think the only thing to do, is to tell her that this is obviously difficult for you. To ask what her absolute bottom line is, is it really over? If she says yes, then I would get the hell out of there, because this must be doing your head in. I wouldn't go on the week away either. Sounds like torture. So sorry that this has happened. If you can get to stay somewhere else, then this time in a different place, might be just what you need at the mo. Get out and see the place, but on your own. At least you can be away from everyone and just wallow for a bit. Or go and get some night life! I think anything is preferable to being in the company of someone you want and can't have. She might be right though. 10,000 miles is a lot of miles and it probably wouldn't have worked out, not if you're not BOTH gunning for it.
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