A
male
age
41-50,
*ursting
writes:Hey everyone, I've got an issue that I suspect a lot of people have gone through before.I'm 32 and my girlfriend is 30. We've been living together going on 3 years now and everything is great.Almost... she doesn't seem to want to have sex at all.She says that she does and even get's kind of upset when I bring up the lack thereof. But for almost a year now there has been hardly any what so ever. I haven't been keeping track in much detail but I know for a fact that we've done it once since some time in March and we were both drunk. It wasn't any better than that before that going back to August of last year.She's never been one to initiate sex that's always been left to me. She may have done so a few times but as a general rule if I wanted it I'd have to have the initiative.Well, at the start of this "dry spell" I'd be trying to do just that but she'd be too tired, had to get up early in the morning or simply didn't feel like it ("Not now").Slowly but surely it started to erode my confidence in this area and my attempts got fewer and weaker.When finally sometime earlier this year I was fed up with it she told me that there'd been a little bit of bleeding and some pain the few times we had done it since our troubles started and that she was worried about it. She told me she had an appointment with her gynecologist 2-3 weeks later and that she wanted to see her before doing anything. And wait we did. She came back from the gynecologist and there was nothing was wrong. She was told the light bleeding was normal for her.Problem solved? Yes, but no. There was still the pain and for this she suggested we get some lubricant which I went out and bought for us. We tried it (this last time we had sex and were also drunk) and it worked. But she didn't like the lube though because it was to sticky so she want's to get some other kind and told me she'd buy it as I thought it best to leave it to her to get something she thinks she would like.It's been about a month now and she still hasn't bought any or shown much interest in doing so. And still when I want to have sex she's too tired, has to get up or simply isn't in the mood.When we started going out she was on the pill, lubrication was never a problem and neither was getting her in the mood.She then went off the pill for a while (forgot to fill the prescription) but that didn't seem to change anything in terms of her libido. At least not right away as this all started a few months after she went off it. She's back on it now but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... she still isn't interested.I might add that before we met she didn't have very much confidence. After we'd first slept together I couldn't believe what I saw. I couldn't believe that she'd hide her figure under turtlenecks and formless jeans. And I told her as much. All the while we've been together I've done my best to boost her confidence as much as I can and I dare say she's a different person today. Much more confident and happy about herself and the way she looks. She wears dresses she probably never would have before and generally carries herself with a lot more pride than she did before.Outside the bedroom I also seem to be the one that mostly carries the intimacy torch. I comment on how good she looks, I want to hug her and kiss her all the time and show her how much I adore her. She loves that too but, aside from snuggling up to me on the couch, usually will not be the one to initiate it.We are good together. We work well together and we enjoy each others company. She does tell me she loves me and I don't think she'd want to be with anyone but me. This much she has told me.But the lack of intimacy is driving me up the wall. Without it we might as well be best roommates.I can't sleep at night because I lie down in bed next to her and I just want to touch her, grope her and ravage her but I've lost all confidence in this area from getting shut down all the time.I am and have since I got away from my teens always been a fairly cocky person. Sure of myself, confident about my looks and gotten plenty of attention from the opposite sex. Now, however, I've started questioning myself... "Why doesn't she want it? Is she not into me? Is it cause I'm balding? Because I've put on a little weight?"I do realize it's probably nothing like that and that I'm starting to sound like a girl (no offence) but when something gnaws at you like this your mind starts to wander/wonder.I also realize that communication is the key. I have brought this up before and have been given glimmers of hope that never materialized. I'm guessing maybe we need to discuss it a bit more seriously and I will be bringing it up again tomorrow. Laying myself, all of this, bare.I'm not sure there's a question here, I'm just having a hard time getting to sleep because of this (again) so I went online. However, I would love any insights you might have into this, questions, words of advice or just anything.
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confidence, drunk, in the mood, libido, lubricant, roommate, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): I've been married for almost 15 years and I just want you to know, there IS light at the end of the tunnel!!!
You sound very patient, don't give up hope. You sound very much in love with your wife and everything else besides the sex seems to be there for both of you.
Women don't have the same daily drive for sex, so when their weekly drive is off, it can seem like (or be) months in between.
You should continue to work on it. Talk to a professional counselor. Look on this forum and show her others that feel the same way (I posted a very similar rant about a year ago) and show her the dramatic words men use - rejected, depressed, neglected, abused, hurt, sad, etc.
I have been through the same thing with my wife on several occasions. it seems to be a matter of cycles. Right now our sex life is pretty much awesome but she is rarely the initiator of sex - except ironically in the AM. It seems that she likes quickies and likes the release of a quick screw without the commitment of a night of sex and foreplay.
I don't know if I have any concrete advice but stick it out and here's some ideas that might work for you.
1) Risk-Taking turns women on - buy a motorcycle. Try sky-diving or bungee-jumping. Drag her onto the biggest roller coaster you can find.
2) Women like hot guys - Get a gym membership and go work out every day. Run in the Am if you can't work out.
3) Change yourself - women like change as much as guys. Take her to some rock and roll shows, go get a new hobby.
4) Sex toys - screw her with a cucumber while you lick her clit or take a trip to the toy store and get her a rabbit. And then make moaning sounds as she gushes on you.
5) Romance her - Music. Flowers. Dinner. Candles. Enough said.
6) Back-rubs - are a woman's blowjob.
7) Masturbate for her. Girls don't like this on paper but it's hard to resist in real life.
8) Communicate - you sound like you've tried this but don't give up! Maybe even talk dirty.
9) Rough sex - women aren't like men - my wife could make me come just by touching my ass and the tip of my dong with a feather. But she likes it ROUGH. It stimulates her clit and appeals to the woman inside who is testing you for physical stamina. It's completely subconscious. Try pulling her hair in a pony tail (studies show women have better orgasms with their heads bent back) and bang her hard and fast. Rub her clit, smack her ass, and be careful to read her reactions.
10) Don't give up! You might also try medications. She may just have a hormone imbalance. But the above methods are a natural way to stimulate the production of hormones so I would try those first!
Good luck and know that you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Please leave this girl. She seems to just be coming out with excuse after excuse. If she doesn't want to have sex, ok, fine. She needs to be straight with you and tell you what's what. From what I can see, she is stringing you along, offering you bits of hope and then neglecting to do anything whatsoever. She doesn't seem to show any sign of making an effort, or even addressing the problem. You are making an effort and getting nothing in return.
This is not a normal relationship. It should not be like this. You are young, and you want a loving, intimate relationship, not someone who is pushing you away as much as she can. I don'tsee this improving, and you need to understand what is important to you. Sex is important in a relationship, as far as I am concerned. It is a natural, normal and health part of the relationship and yours is missing it completely.
You need to move on. It is not right for you to be stuck in a sexless relationship. Talk to her and tell her that you have been waiting and waiting, but nothing happens. I'm sure she will turn this on you and say you are pressuring her, etc. But the reality is you have no sex life and she isn't interested. It's not fair on you.
Talk to her, tell her how you feel, and leave her. I know it will be hard, but, for me at least, this is a deal breaker. Intimacy is important. You don't have kids and you're not married. Move on and find happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Bursting - sorry to hear this. For some people, making a firm rule to have sex on a certain day of the week sort of gets the habit back again and can lead to improvements in this area, but it doesn't work for everyone. And there still needs to be an effort into doing it, not just lying back and thinking of England (or wherever) while you just get your rocks off.I refer you to my earlier answers. I'm afraid you need to get out now, this is not going to improve, she is not willing to really sort this problem out. She's had enough opportunity to see what a serious issue this is and is not prepared to work it out properly. You now have no choice but to either put up with this for the rest of your life and never complain again (because she's making it clear this is going to be as good as it gets) or you leave. This will have one of two outcomes. 1) She will desperately realise how serious this is and agree to go to counselling or whatever. 2) You can start afresh and find someone who wants you as much as you want them - which is what you deserve.Sorry, but I really don't see any other option my friend.
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A
male
reader, bursting +, writes (19 July 2010):
bursting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if anyone is still following this topic or will ever see this but I decided to post back here to vent.It's been more than two since I first posted about this issue and since bringing up the problem and talking about it we've had sex twice so far. She claims to be sorry about her lack of interest and to have a desire to fix it.However, I don't really see much effort on her behalf in that sense. She came up with the idea that we set a rule to have sex every Wednesday and while I guess that gives me some it just feels too constrained, too forced and too much like she's "giving in" from the generosity of her heart once a week to keep me content.We're both on vacation now, have had a wonderful weekend away with friends on a remote island. Don't have any work for the next 2 weeks, the weather is wonderful and we've been able to sleep in and have no obligations or pressures what so ever. So this morning, thinking there couldn't be any excuses, I tried to get intimate after we woke up before we got out of bed.And, who would have thunk, I got a flat no... apparently she "HATES morning sex". Seriously...Got pissed off, out of bed and into the shower smoldering.Where is this going to end...!?!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): I repeat my earlier statement. Get out now. She is NOT making any effort whatsoever.
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A
male
reader, bursting +, writes (1 July 2010):
bursting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, that didn't go according to plan.
Yesterday when she came home from work she told her antihistamine medication was making her drowsy so she didn't feel like doing very much, drinking wine or going for a walk.
We did have a wonderful dinner but that was about it. Later that night the medication had worn off and she seemed to have plenty off energy. Enough for us to drive a way out to pick up some clothes she'd ordered and was very excited about.
When we went to bed there wasn't any fooling around on the table and she didn't even notice my grooming until I pointed it out to her. I trimmed my chest hair amongst other things and there's a lot off it so it should be really hard to miss that most of it's gone. I was quite disappointed by that on top of everything else. It's like she doesn't even see me.
She was sorry about it and promised to make it all up to me on Friday... we'll see.
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A
male
reader, bursting +, writes (30 June 2010):
bursting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
Just to clarify, I'm not really thinking about breaking up over this at the moment. I'm not sure how long it can go on like this before I finally call it. But for now I have a lot of faith in this relationship. It is by far the most stable one I've ever been in.
I did bring up the issue and told her how it was making me feel. She did seem generally concerned about it and did admit that she'd been neglecting me a bit and shying away from my intimacy gestures. She stabbed at a couple of explanations for her lack of interest but really they were just excuses that didn't hold much water.
She said that this couldn't go on anymore and that we'd have to change this. That she didn't want to be just roommates, she wants us to be lovers.
I'm hopeful things are going to work out and have gained the muster to take pro-active actions again.
I've made a little effort to make myself more attractive (some grooming I've been neglecting on account of not feeling like the buck I once did). I'm planning a nice dinner with some good wine. TV is off the table for tonight and a stroll around the pond we live by is replacing it.
Basically just getting away from the normal boring routine and hopefully be able to focus more on each other.
We'll see how it goes, if things don't start looking up in a couple of weeks I'll be at a loss.
I've got my fingers crossed though.
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A
female
reader, jhpcoal  +, writes (29 June 2010):
I'm female and I feel in the same situation. It makes you feel unattractive, unwanted, everything. I know. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We MAYBE have sex once a month. I want that person who can't keeps his hands off me, compliments me and just makes me feel good. I don't know how much longer I can last either. Good luck. It's a hard decision to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I'm in a similar position to you my "dry spell" has lasted a year, it's really hard when your partner doesn't seem to see the issue. Anyway, for this and other complications my relationship is probably not going to last the month. I hope it works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Been there, done that, got the tshirt. Get out now, I'm afraid it won't get better and I stayed for 3 years hoping. I smartened myself up, took her out more often, did most of the housework, complimented her. We didn't even have kids to worry about. Still too tired and fed up with her job. Still some psychomatic problem at the route of it, because she'd gone down the gyna route and was told everything was fine. Tried lube, still hurt. Would never let me give her oral, she just completely lost her sex drive (which was never high in the first place) and was quite happy not to have sex. Unfortunately it destroyed our relationship, despite our love for each other, because I didn't want a room mate. I wanted a lover.
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