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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 24 years old male and want to know if there is a relationship between sex and depression. I have realized over the time that I get depressive feelings when I think about sex and this is linked somehow with my mother's feelings about sex as well. She has suffered from depression twice in her life and I don't understand why, but she has an unhealthy attitude towards sex. She was married at quite a young age of 16 and she was never educated beyond primary level. She never allowed me to approach her to seek her intimacy when I was young. Also, she has always been an emotionally closed woman. She has this sick attitude towards sex and makes some personal comments on me about it, as if I was some kind of a pervert or am not supposed to have sexual desires. It is childish and she doesn't consider the effect her comments could have on others. Especially, to me, it makes me feel guilty of having such feelings and about my sexuality. I have also heard her arguing with my father as they had sexual relationship problems. She would try to make even my father guilty as he is not able to have sex with her any more, due to her operation. It feels to me like she tries to cover up for her own problems and shortcomings by making other people feel guilty rather than accepting her own misery and seeking support.I have always been a shy guy and am somewhat scared of expressing my feelings to my mother and to women in general. How do I overcome this problem? Is it wrong to have sexual desires towards opposite sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2005): First of dear, it is perfectly healthy and wonderful that you have sexual desires. There is nothing wrong with you.
Biologically, sexual desire is quite simply the force or motivation that compels us humans to reproduce, to have sex. It is no different than the desire to eat and sleep(just a lot more fun!) Hun, I would be a bit more worried if you had said you had "NO sexual desires". The good thing with what your saying is..you recognize that her sexual perceptions are skewed. Your Mother's reduced interest in sex is a symptom of her own problems (re: depression) that only she can help herself with. There is a lot of other possibilities and she should seek some counseling to help her with these issues. However, what is so "wrong" here-is that her attitudes toward sex has had a deeply, negative effect on you! Physical intimacy is very important to our emotional well being. If you were deprived during childhood (hugs, affection)-it can impair one's perception of emotional and physical intimacy, two key components in adult sexuality. Sexuality encompasses everything: we are all sexual. Your Mother likely has her own sexuality but she's denying it and other factors of her own inner unhappiness are impairing her ability to recognize it. The best way for you to overcome all this..is to, move out! At 24 years old now, and it's time to begin living your own independent life. Then research all you can about human sexuality and learn how how healthy it really is. If feelings of guilt are over-riding your desires...seek some good advice from a counselor. But please take steps to attain your own life and if Mom brings up "issues of sexuality" with you again..set some boundries-don't talk about it and change the subject! But really think hard about getting your own place..it will give you the space to be out from under her influence and gives you the opportunity, to make your own decisons, live your own life, reach your goals and find your own happiness. Go forward and enjoy life and be proud, you have normal sexual desires! Take Care
Hugs, Irish
A
reader, pops +, writes (9 October 2005):
You are 24 years old? Why are you still living with mother? Why are you still trying to please her? Of course it is not wrong to have sexual desires towards the opposite sex, as long as it is not your mother ! Get away from your mother, and your depression will go away. Get out on your own, meet people, and you will find the shyness is under control.
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