A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am really hurting--but I know I have to go on and forget this. I just don't know how. I was dating a man for two months and really fell for him. I cared about him very much and he told me he was very attracted to and interested in me. One thing led to another and we slept together. Once that happened, he began to distance himself. He was still loving and affectionate when we were together--then, with no warning, he dumped me last weekend in an email. He said that he has been intimate with two other women in the past year since his divorce--and in both cases as well as in mine, the emotion dissipated after that.I don't understand. I feel that I made a big mistake by letting the sex happen--it wasn't just me--he was aggressively kissing me and clearly seemed to want it to happen. I have to wonder if the sex didn't happen, maybe things still would have ended. The other thing he said in the email that really hurt was, "I feel you are more attracted to me than I am to you."He sure seemed attracted at first--I just don't understand. Was it just too soon for the sex to happen? (it was about 2 or 3 weeks after we started dating) Also, I have been out of the whole dating thing for so long--is this what I can expect if I ever have sex with anyone again? I will sure be scared to. Then I think that I'm not 25 anymore and young and pretty--maybe I didn't look good enough or feel good enough when the sex actually happened. I think this could be the lowest I've ever felt. I just feel like I'm done with everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): This guy really sounds like a complete jerk.He is selfish, cold hearted and unloving.He would make a bad father and husband.Why waste a second longer thinking about him?You are lucky that he has gone.Now you can find a nicer person who will love you and care for you and not just want his wicked way.I have been there, through what your going through and know your pain.Making a man wait for months is a good strategy but then you can also get sucked in by them and see more in them than is really there as you get more attached.At least you worked him out very quickly without wasting lots of precious time on him.You saw his true colours.He didn't spend months tricking you into thinking he was a great guy.Your lucky you got the picture when you did than months down the line.You did nothing wrong and everything right.Well done in working out his true callous nature move on to a new and more loving man.Fall in love with a beautiful heart not a beautiful face!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Oh gosh - this sounds exactly like my situation http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-have-the-right-to-feel-hurt.htmlI am so sorry that this has happened to you. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive person and you are clearly having a dreadful time.All I can say is that I had a very similar experience about 18 months ago and although it still hurts and I can't believe that I am saying this - time does heal. I have never got an answer as to why I was 'humped and dumped' TWICE but after a long time and a lot of tears, I still hurt but I care LESS about the reason now than I did. Having an explanation would still be nice, but even if I believed it, it would simply matter LESS to me now. I think that you - like me - have ALREADY GOT AN EXPLANATION for what he did.And the explanation is - HE IS NOT A VERY NICE PERSON.And why should you care about (and be made to feel like crap by) a NOT VERY NICE PERSON WHO CAN'T SORT THEIR LIFE OUT?! Think about it.You may think that this is The One and that As He Has Done This To Me It's All Over - but it's not. As time goes by you will meet other friends and maybe other lovers and realise that this is just One Person who has treated you like this at One Time and it doesn't mean as much as you think it does. It's his loss. Please don't throw any more of your precious time away into trying to understand why he did this. People behave like this for a multitude of reasons, not all reasonable. People get into relationships, get married, stay married and leave for ALL SORTS OF REASONS THAT YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. I wish you all the very best for the future. xxx
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 I just read your second post and it sounds like you're doing it tough. I think him being a family friend, and not just a guy you met randomly, makes this even tougher for you. I know that none of us can say that we know exactly what you're going through but I think we can all understand.
I'm sure your mind is going at a million miles an hour, looking for any possible explanation why he did what he did. I doubt that it was merely the fact that you had sex with him, so don't blame yourself.
When you say you still miss him, it's only natural to do that, even if you do realize, as you in fact do, that he's a coward. I think you're missing the companionship, the feeling of being wanted and needed by someone. Because this was out of the blue and he did it via email you have basically been left in the dark and you have no idea what happened. These types of 'break-ups' are the hardest to get over, as you keep analyzing what could have gone wrong.
If I can tell you anything from my experience, it's to just let time do its thing. It's hard, you're going to miss him, you're going to want him back, you're going to wonder and analyze. Do all that, it's ok to. Slowly you will think of the whole thing less and less. And never, ever, think it was something you did or said or didn't do or didn't say. It was NOT your fault at all!
When men leave like this it also makes me wonder if there is someone else and it's such a good explanation, isn't it? BUT don't do this to yourself...it doesn't matter if there is or isn't someone else. You have to realize that he is out of your life and you need to move on. Do what you have to do to mourn this loss and time will slowly do its thing.
Wish you all the best xo
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A
female
reader, ZeA +, writes (12 October 2009):
 I am sorry and I feel your pain I curently notice a pattern in men today. And I fear that same fear. Its not you doll its men I feel. They want it but once they got it they leave I been through the same feelings and your right it is low but you will make it and just know you are not alone
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Thank you everyone for your kind answers. It is hard for me to move on, but your encouragement helps. Dating isn't easy or fun any more now that I'm in my 40s. In my 20s, it was kind of fun (most of the time). There just aren't that many available men out there now--and the ones who are...well, as I've seen...there is a reason they are not attached.
I think what hurts the worst is that this guy was someone who had been a friend of my family for years. He graduated with my sister and would stop by to talk to my parents when he was working in the area. Because I knew him, I think I moved faster than I would have otherwise (he felt safe--not a stranger). We talked constantly for the 1st few weeks and it was like having a best friend. And up until he dumped me in the email--he still acted like he enjoyed being with me. I can't believe that I meant nothing to him and he can just walk away without ever seeing or talking to me again. That's what makes me feel like nothing. He is a gutless, nutless coward--but it still hurts and I miss him. I guess I meant nothing at all to him & he will probably never even have another thought about me. How can he not even miss me? Maybe he met someone else and is caught up in the whole new relationship thing. That has to be why he can just walk away like that--when we didn't have any arguments or anything. It was a complete shock to open that email. I did not see it coming.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 I am sorry that you are hurting.
This guy IS a loser and you DO deserve much better.
He didn't even have the balls to say this to your face, so he had to do it via email. Rhythm and Satin are correct that he's a bastard and cold, but he's also a coward!
ANY woman deserves better than that! Don't feel bad about yourself, he's the one who is a loser with no balls.
The other aunts are definitely right in saying that it would be wise in the future to wait for a long time before having sex.
We all make mistakes from time to time, and who am I to judge you? However, you have learned something and hopefully will be able to move on. It hurts, I know.
Remember, though, HE'S the loser.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): I don't think it was to do with having sex too soon, I think this is more to do with him and his issues.
Don't give up on the dating just because of this one guy, I know you probably feeling hurt and confused but don't let this guy discourage you.
And to be honest its probably best you didnt end up with him for the long term, the fact he had to dump you and say these things to you via email shows he is a very poor communicator.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (12 October 2009):
Whatever you do, please don't blame yourself. If he dumped you the way he did after you had sex with him, he was going to do it anyway, whether you waited another week or a month to sleep with him. I think that if he genuinely cared about you and wanted a relationship he would not have dumped you, sex or no sex.
It's hard to get yourself up and move on and I can just imagine how you are feeling now. You have to tell yourself that you did nothing wrong and that there isn't much else you could have done.
I would do as rhythmandblues2 suggests, wait a while before you have sex with someone. This doesn't mean you did something wrong in this case, it just means that if you wait longer you can better weed out the guys who just want sex. This is not a foolproof method either but it helps protect you and your emotions.
I know you're hurt but it would help you if you realize that this guy was worthless and that you deserve much more, not just as a woman but a human being. Take your time to get over this but remember that you are lucky that he didn't stick around for longer and hurt you even more. When something like this happens you need to take your time to 'deal' with it but you must always remind yourself that it happened for a reason, that it's a lesson that will serve you in the future and that it just wasn't meant to be.
As rhythmandblues2 said, don't let this guy spoil things for you, don't let him have the power...be strong, realize that you have so much to offer, that this guy did not deserve you and that there is something so much better out there for you. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Ah, hun, don't let this jerk make you feel bad about yourself, he is probably just a player and a hit it and quit it kind of guy, and to dump you in an email is just down right cold. You are lucky you didn't waste any more of your time.
You didn't do anything wrong, and if he wanted to have sex with you and he did have sex with you then you were looking and feeling good to him.
He definately has issues to tell you that the same thing happened for him with a couple of other women, so obviously it is just him.
What I would do in the future is wait at least 90 days before having sex with the next guy you are dating steadily, after all you didn't really know this guy very well at all and if a man is really interested in a serious relationship in the first place and he is really interested in you then he won't mind waiting. If he has been on the job for less than 3 months he is still on probation, hah.
So don't let this one turd spoil the rest of the apple barrel for you, go out there and bob for another one!
If you let him define who you are then guess what he wins...and he didn't do anything to deserve that much power over you or for you to hold him in higher esteem than you hold yourself. You are disappointed sure, but that is as far as you need to analyze this....NEXT!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): It doesn't sound like you "gave up the goods" too early. In fact most people would call that kind of wait to be longer than average.
If he suddenly lost interest after sex like this, then I bet he would have lost interest whether you made him wait two weeks or half a year. It sounds like his issue more than yours.
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