A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a difficult time. No judgment please. Just help.I am the mistress of a married man and I have been for almost 2 years.I have heard it all. Believe me. Nobody can punish me more than I have punished myself.The problem is I am in love with him. But he isn't leaving his wife for me. He says he cares deeply about me but he has been with her a long time and I think he just does not want to throw away his security blanket. They are good friends he says. But more like roommates. But at the same time his marriage is dead after 25 years. They have no PASSION like we do. She does not like to have sex with him. I am younger, vibrant, passionate, adventurous, open to everything. He loves this about me. He calls me beautiful, smart, the whole package. He says he is so lucky to be with me. He is loving and generous and takes care of me in a fatherly way. I am everything his wife is not. Open, fun, loving, giving, affectionate, funny. He says he can talk to me about anything and say things to me he cannot say to anybody else. He says we can laugh about things he cannot laugh about with anybody else.He does not laugh with her the way he laughs with me. He does not have fun with her the way he has fun with me. She is not loving and affectionate and warm like I am. I pay attention to him. I make him feel good about himself, really loved and I make him feel attractive. He is lagging in self esteem and is deep down insecure and sometimes wonders why a girl who is movie star beautiful wants him?He takes me on trips and has arranged two of them for us this summer. She takes trips on her own without him. She does not like to do the things he does. And they have separate interests. He and I run in the same professional circle and we have shared interests and passions, some of which we do together. He does not share any passions with her. Only travel as she is his travel companion when they take trips.Our lovemaking is amazing and like no other I have ever experienced. He has said the same. He calls it overwhelming and intense, which it truly is. It is so beautiful, so magical. We have this connection and have from the start. It just is. There is no denying this kind of chemistry. He has said that if he was not with her he would be with me in an official relationship.But as two years approaches this June, I am finding it more difficult to cope. Yes, I love him and yes I want to be with him. But the trust issues are now starting to surface. I keep fighting a heart vs. mind battle. My heart says he is the one. My mind says he is married and eventually he is going to break my heart. I worry as time wears on that he soon will tire of me and find a new replacement or just decide to go back to his wife after he has realized it isn't worth the trouble of the affair. I am in a relationship where I do not feel truly valued, loved and most importantly secure. I am riding this without a safety net. Throwing caution to the wind. And to be really honest, it is starting to scare me. In the beginning, I was blinded by the infatuation chemicals and although I am still very infatuated... more so on a deeper level, I am now not swallowed up by the initial fantasy of it all. I see the risks I am taking. I see the potential for devastation. And I find I am starting to want to get away from him because I associate him with the source of my torment. So I think in subtle ways I am trying to sabotage what we have. Relationship naturally progress into commitment over time, especially 2 years in. I am dealing with a relationship where I always have to pull back or guard my heart. It is like we share the most amazing moments while together and it is so easy to get sucked in to the feelings and the passion. But after it is over and "real life" resumes, you start to feel bad. Like the time I spend with him is never enough. That he always goes back to her. That I am just an escape. It is hard because I love the fantasy part of it and know the intensity in some way comes from living in a honeymoon phase without real life problems. But eventually the fog lifts as it is now doing for me. And now that I am seeing things more clearly, I am starting to feel that I have invested my heart and soul into a relationship which isn't right for me. But I cannot seem to let him go. I somehow need the escape in my life. Those hits of pleasure are all I have right now. Because my life is such a mess and I find that I need him to sustain me. It is like I am addicted to him. And he is addicted to me.But he is much better at living his life without focusing on the affair. I, on the other hand, hang onto it much more. And I have more feelings for him. Because at the end of the day, he is with her. Not me. And he is emotionally withholding from me because he is not emotionally available. He gives me what he gives me when he wants to. In the moment. But he also pulls back when he has to. He has told me he does not want to fall in love with me and he won't allow himself to fall in love with me. He said sometimes we get too close and that isn't good. I just do not trust him. I can't. And I accuse him of things all the time, likely mostly imagined for the moment. He assures me I have a highly active imagination and that he has NO INTEREST in anyone else. That I am all he wants and needs. But how could I not be skeptical? I am with a man who is willing to cheat on his wife of 25 years. What would make me so special that he would never do the same thing to me??? I am the whole package. I am beautiful, young, smart, funny and I give him the world on a silver platter. But it will never be enough. If he wants to sample the menu, I have no way of stopping him. My beauty has no way of stopping him. My total package and beautiful heart has no way of stopping him. And despite that, I will never be enough because he is married and staying with his wife.I live in torment every day because I am afraid he will go out and find someone else to sleep with. I have this feeling I am his main one and his only. FOR NOW. BUT I worry all the time this can change. Like he can add another doll to his collection IN ADDITION to me. Because he knows he will not find better than me. I guess I am the only sucker who treats him like a KING. I worry he could be out hustling his next conquest at any given time while we are together. And he hasn't left me yet because nobody else has bitten. I worry after 2 years it will become TOO COMFORTABLE and the excitement will soon wear off and he will be off seeking it elsewhere because he has no commitment to me. He has never said he loves me. When he tells me he is going to play golf, I automatically assume he is going to meet another woman for sex. I always assume he is doing this no matter where he goes or what he is doing. I always assume everything he tells me is a lie. Do you see how I am thinking? And do you see how this has such a horrible, crippling grip on me? It is making me sick to have these thoughts every moment of every day. They are getting worse. So much so that they are interfering with the rest of my life.I am really stuck. I know what I need to do. But I just can't do it. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Sorry to play Devils advocate here but sometimes we need the blunt truth to examine and understand the truthYou seem to say all the wonderful things that he had with her but not with you but can you even for one moment imagine the wifes perspective ?Imagine, for a moment her wordsShe is just a mistress, a bit of fun but he doesn't give Her the commitment he gives me of marriageHe had had an engagement with me , built a home but not with her I gave up my body and health to give him children , she did not I gave up years of my life to build a future with him, she did not We have a history that goes back far longer than she realises filled with memories that they do not He tells her what he wants her to hear but ultimately does he divorce me? No!He chose me , not her !Frankly, you sound conceited and heartless. Deep down, perhaps he sees he beauty in humility that his wife sounds like she possesses. This will always be more attractive in a long term partner than 'movie star looks'Perhaps a little more focus on developing character and less concern on competing based on appearance would help you find an available man who would value the things that you can carry through life as true measures of your worth
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): I too wonder how he can love his wife and yet be with you for two years. I think you answered this question when you say 'He is lagging in self esteem and is deep down insecure.' The only answer I can come up with is that his low self esteem transcends love he can have for any woman. His need for validation is stronger than his commitments. You worry about him breaking your heart or it not working out. I'm sorry to have to point this out for you but the very essence of your relationship NECESSARILY MAKES IT A SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIP. In your own words, your relationship is better than with his wife because 'They have no PASSION like we do. She does not like to have sex with him. I am younger, vibrant, passionate, adventurous, open to everything.'- a new toy is always exciting and you probably will never get the same level of excitement that you had the first moment you got the toy. Passion is quite similar - it's all the more raunchy and breath taking because you don't know what tommorrow holds; you don't know what secrets lie in the other person. After 25 years, you kind of know what to expect and OFCOURSE the passion is not going to be the same. You have a different kind of love. It may or may not include sex. But it's NOT NECESSARILY INFERIOR. It is just different. Your guy wants the best of both worlds. Poor man. - youth and vitality fade. You won't always be so 'movie star beautiful'. Even if your beauty lasted for life you certainly wouldn't be the only beautiful woman around so there would still be other beautiful women out there to attract him away from you. Except they probaby would have higher standards and wouldn't settle for a sad middle aged man desperate for a thrill.When you no longer look like a movie star; what's to keep him around?Ah, I hear you protest, but 'He does not laugh with her the way he laughs with me. He does not have fun with her the way he has fun with me. She is not loving and affectionate and warm like I am. I pay attention to him. I make him feel good about himself, really loved and I make him feel attractive. 'Yes, that is probably true. But I don't know how much laughing you will be doing after 25 years of mothering somone. 'I pay attention to him. I make him feel good about himself, really loved and I make him feel attractive. ' He is not a child. And things won't always be so rosy when you actually have a life together. You will have responsibilities and life happens. It doesn't mean you stop laughing but it means you don't laugh like you laughed when you were a baby with no cares in the world. When two people are together longterm, they share the good and the bad. What you have is a concentrated amount of the good and none of the 'bad' of a normal relationship. Ofcourse you will still pay attention to him and make him feel loved but you can't prop up his lack up self esteem for life. Simply put, your relationship is not sustainable. It's your choice to be in this situation but I hope you see it for what it is. This man is probably flattered that you are with him, but he would be silly to throw away a secure relationship in order to nurture a fling (2 years of part time loving is still a fling, if it wasn't a fling he'd have introduced you to all the important people in his life). If he left her for you, he doesn't know that when, not if, but when, your relationship goes past this initial high hormones period (as all relationships inevitably do), you two will be compatible and content together. Stop thinking you are the exception to the rule. Go on over to experienceproject.com type in Other woman and you will realise that your situation is rather cliche. Ironically, all the 'other women' think they are the exception. From reading the experiences of other women in your shoes you will hopefully get the impetus to make more wholesome choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): OP, you go on and on about how your relationship is more exciting and you are a better catch than the wife. Let's assume that's true.Despite you being so amazing he has DECIDED to stay with her.This means what you have with him right now is it. It will never be more than being a part time lover. Are you satisfied with that? I suspect not. Then you do know what you need to do. The rest is just background noise.You seem to think multiple holidays somehow prove his love for you. If love were measured in money, prostitutes would be the most loved people around. He gets two holidays with arm candy I'm sure his ego will be at its peak! This isn't a bad deal for him at all. It's no sacrifice.I don't know about you but I would rather have a full time partner to wake up next to every morning. Someone who will give me a back rub after a hard day. Someone who will take time off work to look after me when I am sick. Someone I will go to family reunions with. Someone I can host a dinner party with. Someone who chooses to be by my side.I don't see the allure of what you are going through. You speak of your relationship as if it were the best thing since sliced bread. But you really don't sound happy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 April 2015):
 if you were in control you could make him leave his wife for you. You
can't so you aren't. You are just some sperm depository living in a dream world. And you have been for a number of years. Such a waste.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): It's OP.Garbo, I think I already know if I am being honest with myself that if I cut off the sex, he will leave. I do think it needs to be a process for me. I cannot do it all at once. I think slowly but surely I will reach my own conclusion in my own time. I need to make the choice when I am READY. Nobody else can tell me when that time is. But when that time comes, I will know. This process has already begun I'm afraid. And in some ways it is so sad because it is like the death of a dream, something that at another time and in another place would have been beautiful because we are meant to be together. If we had met and he was single and I was single, he would have been the ONE. It is so hard to let somebody go that you feel this strongly about. LOVE is LOVE. People hang on cause of it. They do the craziest things cause of it. They never give up cause of it. Love has the strongest of holds on anyone. Especially a woman whose heart belongs to a man. It knows no right or wrong. It just feels. And it fights for what it wants.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Apparently, he seems to hang out with his wife for 2 years without sex and it makes you wonder how he could still love her. Why don't you then use the same test his wife is using on him. Tell him that you want the "relationship" you have to develop deeper meaning and to do that you want it to be platonic - basically no sex then see how long he hangs around you once you cut off sex and that length of time will tell you how much he loves you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 April 2015):
 You aren't happy though are you? So does it really matter if you are in control?? Is this the way you wish to live the rest of your life..really???? You are selling yourself short. I hope you will wake up and see that. I have a man..and he's MINE..ALL MINE. There is no way that I would share him and I do not understand how woman will do this to themselves. Its your life, your choices..but think about 5 years..10 years down the road...do you REALLY want to continue living like this?? And regardless of what you say..its very unlikely that he will leave you for his wife. Don't you want more for yourself? I hope that you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): Hi. It's OP again.To Female Anon:He's the one in control?I think I am.If I was not, he would come running back to me every time I accuse him of something or pull away or give him an ultimatum. I told him the other day if I ever find out he is flinging elsewhere, it is over. He said he understood and that I have nothing to worry about. That he isn't stupid and he knows I'm not either.It seems after he thought I was "slipping" - and he has said so himself that he thinks I am tiring of him - he made arrangements for two separate trips for us. He seems to bend over backwards to keep me and keep me happy as much as he can do that. He knows that very few women would put up with him. BUT I DO. So obviously he is reluctant to let me go. Yeah, he ISN'T stupid!So why am I in control? And he KNOWS IT? Because the tables have turned. It used to be me begging him for time as I was choking on this fantasy fog. HE KNOWS that this is no longer the case and I have told him such. That the fantasy fog is wearing off and I see reality now. So he knows I see reality and he is trying harder to keep me roped in. So the control is on my end because I can leave him at any time. I don't think he wants that. Sure he can find someone else eventually but I can tell you with certainty they will be never be me. And he will never be so lucky to have a woman like me. He knows this deep down. He also knows I am more than just FUN. He has sold me on the idea of ours being a relationship. That he cares deeply. All of the above. I think I am starting to resent him. I think he might sense this. Resent him because he has it best of all. And I am taking a back seat when I am worth so much more. He knows this. So he is trying harder to keep control. Of ME. But for how long? I am sure he knows this.I am also in control because I have a history with him. More than sexual. I know everybody thinks I am just a hole to poke it in. BUT NOT TRUE. You aren't there. You aren't us. You don't know our relationship. Yes it is sexual but we also care about each other. I do think men seek out affairs to fill emotional voids not just physical. What some have said is stereotypical but not everybody follows the same path or pattern.He is afraid I will tell his wife. So he is careful. I have every single email and text and so much more from the moment we began seeing each other. I even have the very first email of him confirming meeting me for the first time when he had our very first sexual encounter. I can nail him. He treads lightly. I am not saying I would. I cannot say anything for sure.So, who is in control?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2015):
 You sound like an alcoholic and he's a great big bottle of 100 proof vodka. You know it's a problem but you seem to be helpless in stopping the drinking. Eventually the health and social issues that arise from abusing alcohol will crop up and you'll have to deal with it then.
You know it's a problem and you know there won't be a good outcome. So why do you continue to drink? Because it's a form of self-medication and makes you feel good for a few hours.
You've been posting about him for 2 years. I don't think you'll be able to end your addiction without some outside help.
Get that help lined up and then, go cold turkey. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 April 2015):
 OP: You really are deluding yourself in this matter. Especially, as you write these:
1. "..HOW can a married man LOVE his wife? I mean TRULY LOVE his wife if he is having a 2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP? I mean a whole OTHER RELATIONSHIP with ANOTHER WOMAN besides HER?" A. He DOESN'T love his wife; Nor does he love you....
2. "It isn't just sexual. It is a relationship. Trust me. Yes it's limited in time together but a relationship nonetheless. It's no fling after 2 years." A. Trust me... it IS "just sexual".... and it IS a fling. A fling can to on FOREVER, as long as the one of the participants is content to sell his/her soul and continue it....
You really DID "answer" your own question when you wrote: "I know what I need to do. But I just can't do it." Nothing will change until you decide that you "...just MUST do it."
Good luck.... It's heartbreaking to see a young, vital woman throw away years of her life believing that she can over-cheat a cheating man....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): HiHe's with you both, because he can be. A lot of men are happy to have two women rather than one, even if he truly loves either one of you, or both of you. I saw my father do it. He loved my mother, he had a total breakdown when she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He never left her throughout their 52 year marriage. A few days after her death another woman came out of the woodwork, we knew who she was and neither of them cared to hide the fact that they had been having an affair for years. My father was making plans to go and live with her in Switzerland, but she died too. It sounds as if they were both important to him, or that both women fulfilled his needs. Who knows?The fact that he tells you that his wife isn't giving him sex or laughs with him etc etc may be true, but then again it may be bullshit. Some people have absolutely no qualms about what they say to someone if it's going to give them what they want, i.e. sex with you and possibly, his wife as well. It's such a well worn line 'my wife doesn't do such and such, but you...you're amazing!'that you have to at least wonder if all he's saying is true. You say 'he might seek it elsewhere because he doesn't have a commitment to me'. Doesn't matter to him does it, commitment? He's got that with his wife and it hasn't stopped him finding you. He is totally in control here. He gives you what he wants to give you, when he wants to give you it. Imagine that he's giving it to his wife too. You are possibly being taken for a fool. I'm not judging here. I've done it myself, so I'm not being holier than thou in any way, just want you to realise that it's possible/probable that he's lying, because this might make it easier for you to draw a line under this and move on. You sound very unhappy and all this is eating away at you. Anything eating away at him? NO.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2015):
Cut off the sex and see how strong your "relationship" is. He'll be gone in a flash. The only "needs" of his that you are filling are sexual. You are a body just a body, which as you so rightly pointed out can be replaced. Your youth and beauty will fade and you will realize too late that you wasted them both on this married womanizer who will end up sitting on the couch with his wife sipping wine and looking at the grandkids pictures. Time to wake up chickie and smell the coffee.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): You know what "doesn't wash"? The stain this whole sorry affair will LEAVE on YOU. Not on him. On YOU.
You are knowingly hurting someone else. Have you thought of THAT?
You know he has a wife YET you choose to go on with him. So you are hurting HER (or helping to do it). Ok, best scenario-he leaves her for YOU. What will happen to YOU once he is "tired of you" so to speak?
You know what they say: "When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy."
This above is the wisdom of the years. There is truth in it. It might not be the whole truth, but it is succinct and makes a good point.
Btw, someone CAN hurt you MORE than this. Imagine someone doing this to YOU in the future?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2015):
 Most people are VERY capable of loving more than one person. And I'm not taking kids or family, but TWO women (in your man's case). I don't love my husband with the same passion as I did 19 years ago, but I like him like a REALLY good wine that has aged WITH me. There isn't JUST one type of love out there.
He is CONTEND for the most part with his marriage (or HE WOULD LEAVE) but he also "thinks" he deserves more, which is WHY he decided to have an affair and someone "on the side". AND he will CONTINUE to do so for as LONG as it benefits him. This is ALL about him and HIS needs.
HE CHOOSES not to "settle" for the NEEDS his wife can/will provide him. Let's say she went though a hellish menopause and HE had no sympathy, compassion or UNDERSTANDING of that - all HE saw was HE wasn't GETTING what he wanted (sex) OR he was an unimaginative LOVER with her (or she was prudish or whatever the reason) - NO MATTER what IT DOESN'T EXCUSE him taking a mistress. It's deceitful, it's a STAB in the back.
My husband can't FULFILL my sexual needs these days, he had a heart-attack and surgery and now have to take many meds, some which interfere with his libido and erection - HOWEVER that doesn't GIVE me the RIGHT to go take a lover. WE (husband and wife) FOUND a compromise that makes US both happy. We are a unit. We are there FOR each other. It's not about JUST him or JUST me. My guess is "YOUR" guy hasn't even HAD a conversation with the wife about feeling like his needs isn't being met. Because it was EASIER to just "start" over (on the side) with someone else, YET hold onto the wife.
WHY is HIS needs more important than those if the wife? OR you? Because let's FACE it YOUR needs are not met 100% either... SO WHY is his needs more important? So important that even YOU seem to think it's OK for him to "have" two women to CATER to him?
You see what I'm saying?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): A little advice, I have had friends who have been the mistress. Young, beautiful and appealing. At the time you think your everything the wife isn't, your post clearly shows this. You almost pitty the wife as you think your on a higher level than her. The truth is she's so much higher than you will ever be. Something is keeping him with her. If there relationship was that bad and you were this perfect girl which your post implies he would jump at the chance to be with you. He's staying with his wife OVER being with you. He would rather stay in this 'passion less relationship with a wife who never makes him laugh' over being with this young, passionate and funny girl. I don't think so. He's telling you exactly what you want to hear to keep you sweet. Him and his wife are clearly happy and he's looking for some fun on the side where he won't get found out. You said yourself, he's never leaving his wife for you. Are you really happy living your life being somebody's secret? Hiding everything. Never getting married, having a family of being able to share him with your life? He's never going to be yours. The best thing you could do is walk away. Not only for you, for his poor innocent wife who has no idea this is happening. YOU will always be SECOND to his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): It's OP.But Honeypie, the one thing I cannot understand and have never understood is HOW can a married man LOVE his wife? I mean TRULY LOVE his wife if he is having a 2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP? I mean a whole OTHER RELATIONSHIP with ANOTHER WOMAN besides HER?It isn't just sexual. It is a relationship. Trust me. Yes it's limited in time together but a relationship nonetheless. It's no fling after 2 years.Clearly there has to be something very wrong with his marriage if he is with another woman for 2 years. Is that what you call LOVE for his wife?And the other woman, ME, has to have some kind of pull on him. Has to be more than sexual after all this time. I should know. I have heard the separating sex from emotions line over and over. It doesn't wash. I can see it ring true if it was a fling here and there. But not at 2 year relationship.Clearly she is supplying some of his needs and I am supplying some of his needs. Unfortunately his needs are not being met in one person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2015):
You are making the SAME mistake 99% of "mistresses" are. YOU think you are better than the wife and thus DESERVE this guy. You think it' a "simple" competitions, but it's not.
The thing is... You can BE sexier, prettier, funnier, ya-da ya-da AND he STILL WILL NOT leave his wife.
He might CLAIM they have no fun, they are roommates blah blah blah - but after 25 years there is SOMETHING that makes him stay. My guess is? It's LOVE. It may not be the illicit exciting passionate love, he pretends to have) has with you, but ACTUAL love that has GROWN over 25 year.
So what you CAN do (if you chose to) is LOOK at his action, not just take his word for the gospel.
And what you CAN do (if you chose to) IS accept that HE WILL NEVER leave her for you.
And what you CAN do.... (again IF you chose) is to STOP settling for being someone's dirty secret - end it and FIND yourself a MAN who is ALL yours. NOT another woman's husband.
It is A CHOICE to NOT leave - the whole " I can't do that because I LOOOVE him..." it's your excuse. YOU can do it if you want to. YOU.... just don't want to for now, because YOU DO get something out of this mess. Whether it's the taboo or naughtiness of an affair - or NOT having to pick up his dirty socks and watch him sleep on Christmas eve with the grand kids.... I don't know.. BUT YOU ARE getting something OUT of this. JUST not what you WANT.
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