A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a breakup with my ex. We split up less than a week ago. At first, I harbored no anger or resentment. In fact, I felt very at peace in my heart about it. I was hurt and sad, but I understood and felt okay and calm. I felt this was just as painful for her as it was for me and we both were hurting. But now, after almost a week, I'm experiencing creeping feelings of anger and deceit. I keep feeling like I obviously failed and wasn't good enough or she would still be here and wouldn't have left. That I wasn't good enough and she abandoned me. These feelings are starting to make this much harder for me. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to harbor resentment and blame myself for everything. I keep thinking - what if I just did this differently. Or that. Or why wasn't I good enough for her? I don't want to be mad at her. This anger and resentment is making it so much harder for me to move on. I'm just not an angry person and I don't want to keep thinking so negatively. Any positive vibes at the moment would help. Any kind words of wisdom in working through the anger and letting it go would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2014):
 You're going through the stages of grief, which in your case is the death of your relationship and your life as a couple. This is normal, and having happened less than a week ago, no wonder this is all happening. Do not contact her in any way, because that would not be healthy. If you have stuff to exchange, do it impersonally with friends with you.
The stages of grief are:
Denial which probably subconsciously initiated your "okay and calm" because it hadn't sunk in yet
Anger which you have undoubtedly moved into
Bargaining, which is dangerous because you'll want to talk to her, try for "closure" or find reasons to deal with her or make it seem like her fault or trying to get her back.
Depression, which can hit when you start feeling lonely and want to self-soothe. Many people will do healthy things to take their mind off of the lost relationship and pick up friends and hobbies, while others will drink or have one night stands or shut themselves off from dating society..
Acceptance, coming to terms with your present and future. Your brain's way of finding emotional and mental balance and feeling like you may still bear scars, but you know it will be okay and that life goes on.
You may feel some of these at the same time, or feel like you go back and forth between steps and that is all natural and normal.
Words of caution - don't go back and forth with contacting her, or you'll only prolong the pain and travels into masochism for you. You'll only indulge the anger by lashing out, tracking her social media, following her, or calling or emailing or texting. You didn't fail anything. Your ego took a huge hit as well as your heart, and it's having a hard time dealing with her ending it.
Don't cut corners here...you will grieve for some time. I don't know how long your relationship was, but if it was long term, like a year or more, it'll take longer. But it will get better. Take your time, cut off all contact with her (seriously, you NEED TO), and let your family/friends be your source of haven from the grief. Don't rebound with someone else too soon (that's part of bargaining), and you'll do fine!
A
female
reader, PrincessRiches  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 What you are feeling is perfectly natural:)We all ask ourselves these questions after a break up, and it's because no matter what the cirumstances, its always a bruise to the ego when someone breaks it off with you. I think when you feel your anger rising and your blood boiling, the way to stop it can be viewed in a similar way to anxiety. When you feel that lump in your throat, don't fight it, just inwardly say to yourself, Ok, this is how I feel right now, count to ten, and move on. Engage in activities you enjoy, and try not to over-think it- having it sitting in your mind will make you get angry and resentful. I'd also avoid her on FB for a while...checking updates from her will just make it harder to let go and move on. Instead of thinking of this break up negatively, just think to yourself instead, "I am now out of a relationship that wasn't right. Now, I am going to be available when the right person for me comes along." That always helped me!
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