A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an enormous dilemma! Here's the background: I have been with the same guy on and off for just over 2 and a half years. For a long time I have wanted nothing but to be married to him and build a family together. After 11 months of dating he said he wanted to live together and I told him not unless we got engaged. So he said he wanted to marry me. We moved in together even though there was no ring- we were both financially strapped at the time. I even made a room for his daughter- he has shared custody and therefore has her half the time. It was difficult, I am somewhat stubborn and set in my ways!After living together for 5 months I found out that he made out with another girl. I was devastated! I did, however, give him another chance since I thought he was just having cold feet. I have an illness that is made worse by stress. When all of this occurred I became very stressed and was hospitalized for 5 days. We stayed together but I moved back to my parents’ home. After a few months I realized he was still sexually attracted to the girl he made out with as well as one other. I broke-up with him. After a few weeks we both became lonely and we started seeing each other again. I took it slower and tried not to have too many expectations. I was, however, still very much in love with him. Several months went by and he broke-up with me because he found himself being very attracted to another girl. One of his closest friends met the girl and said she was definitely NOT the one for him. So he dumped her. For whatever reason we've never been able to sever our ties. Still in love with him, we started spending time together again but did not get back together as a couple. We still did all the boyfriend-girlfriend things (we had a deal that as long as we were sleeping together we would not sleep with others) but maintained that we were broken up. I decided it was time to move on and started chatting on-line with a guy. My ex knew all about it and didn't really seem too bothered by it. I finally decided to meet the on-line guy and he is great! He completely accepts me for me. I'm not as physically attracted to the new guy as I would like to be, but everything else is amazing. We really hit it off. Meanwhile, I found out that my ex was seeing a very young girl on the side so it all seemed to be falling into place. Time for us to move-on!!! I told the ex we could have one last hurrah sexually (since I am still incredibly physically attracted to him)! But the night before we were suppose to get together the new guy and I took it to the next level- which is nuts because we moved soooo fast. So the night of the last hurrah I told the ex we couldn't because that I had broken our deal and I didn't want to cheat on the new guy! Well the ex confesses that he had taken it to the next level with the young girl too (also on the previous night), so it was cool- we were moving on. Then he said sex with the young girl made him feel empty. He said he knew he didn't want to be in a relationship with her- you should also know this was his first one-night-stand. Including her and me he has only been with 7 women. He married his first. He has always thought the grass was greener for "players." Now he's realizing it's not so. Here's the dilemma: I still love the idiot ex deeply but I have also developed love for the great new guy. The ex realized or decided or whatever that he has been a huge jerk and is sorry and loves me deeply and now wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The new guy also says he loves me deeply (after a very short time) and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Can I trust the ex's new found conviction? Or do I go on with the new guy and trust that he is sincere?I am very physically attracted to my ex. Our sex life has always been great. He can always make me laugh. We always have a lot of fun together! I love his daughter. Other than his previous not wanting to settle down we don’t fight (there was one disagreement about where to put the sofa.) When I’m with him nothing even matters at all!I’m not as physically attracted to the new guy but can see potential. The sex was good and passionate. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy. We talk a lot about many things. He doesn’t seem like a fighter. When I’m with him I want only him!I have NEVER been a good decision maker but this is the rest of my life! Each guy is trying to sway me his way. Everything has become blurred by their words. Can anyone, please, please, help me to see this clearly???I know it's a lot of info but any words of wisdom will be taken to heart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice! I've decided to just end it with both of them! I loved my ex more deeply than I ever have loved any other. Hence the reason I was unable to move on even though I should have. The new man is really amazing and deserves to be with someone that will love him and ONLY him. I've never been in a situation like this one before (and never will allow myself to be again- it totally sucks!) Therefore, the only logical answer is to just be alone, as you said, and complete "this healing process." Oh, and yes the new guy knows about the ex and vice-versa. I might not be able to make decisions well but I am honest- almost to a fault. Thanks again, your input really helped!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Why did you even start seeing the new guy if you were not over the ex-bf? You should have stopped seeing him when you guys broke up. Does the new guy even know you are still seeing your ex? This is not really fair to the new guy and you may risk losing him if this continues. Put yourself his shoes, how would you feel if he was spending time with his ex-gf while he is in a relationship with you?
I know it can be very lonely and hard to move on when you love someone but we ALL have been there and but you do eventually feel better, you become stronger, and you do find love again. In fact, you are more likely to find true love by completing this healing process. As long as you continue this on and off again relationship you may not feel to good about yourself and have low self esteem for not having the strength to do what you known should have been done.
I think we can all clearly see what your ex-bf is up to. His wanting to get back together with you has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with your new guy. Some men don't mind sleeping around but don't like sharing their woman. Also, I doubt he only kissed the two women you metioned. If he made out with them, he slepted with them and probably did so several times.
It sounds crazy you would even consider getting back with your ex when he is responsible for putting you in the hospital for 5 days. Plus, he has been unfaithful twice that you know about, maybe actually more. The best relationships are built around trust and dependability. It is quite obvious the ex wants you back for all the wrong reasons. Do you want a relationship built around mistrust, lies, breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, etc ?
This guy seems like a jerk and to suddenly say he wants to marry you in an attempt to keep you from the new guy? Come on ! Wake up, he does not truly care about you when he is preventing you from finding happiness and possible true love with another.
I am not saying the new guy is maybe the answer. You two did move quickly which works out sometimes, and sometimes it does not, just like relationships sometimes fail that start out slowly. Whether you choose to continue your relationship with the new guy or not, you should definitely END things once and for all with your ex-bf, not because of the new guy, but do it for yourself.
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