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male
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anonymous
writes: I have known my girlfriend for almost 2 years. she has an ex, who she considers a friend now, that lives like 3 hours away from where we live. right before we "officially" started going out she would go visit him and her friends that she has over there. I never thought much of it.A few months after we got real serious, he calls her at 3am while we are in bed. it was obvious he was drunk. she had him on speaker phone cause her cell wasn't working right, so i heard the call. it sounded to me like he missed her. i wasn't too happy and i asked her about it. she said that when she went to go see him, she was sleeping with him. right away i told her to end it. she considered him a friend but i know what he considered her. if the only time he calls her in months is at 3am when he is drunk, in my opinion he only wanted one thing and he is not really a friend. of course its a 3 hour drive and it would be crazy for her to go see him that night, he doesn't know that. he just wanted to her attention. well, i told her to end it with him and she did. a few months later i see that she called him. she said that she talked about it with her therapist and was going to tell me, but how could i trust her with him now. she believes that i am being to overprotective of her. she wanted to end the relationship but i told her that i trust her not to cheat on me. i just dont trust him. how can i make her realize that he is not a real friend? if i am wrong, what should i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Hi anonymous
You said it at the end of your question, you don't trust her not to cheat on you. This is a trust issue you have and I don't think your girlfriend is doing any thing wrong.
I think if you make her choose between you and him, she is likely to choose him. Not because she doesn't love you, but because people don't like to be given [what they see as] unreasonable ultimatiums. Eventually, she will come to resent you for your distrust, and believe me, you do not want your relationship to go down that path.
You assume that just because her ex wants to be more than friends, your relationship is at risk. Your girlfriend is with YOU though and if your girlfriend loves you, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Personally speakikng about the late drunk phone calls, sometimes I phone my ex (who I was with for four years) if I've been out and I'm drunk. There is absolutely no other motives other than if I'm coming home, and want to chat to someone, she is someone I can phone whilst a bit tipsy and not be too bothered.
Your girlfriend seems to have demonstrated clearly that you have nothing to worry about - by putting her phone on speakerphone she is effectively sharing a private phonecall with you - just so that she can reassure you.
I think your girlfriend is right - you are being overprotective of her. Your girlfriend has a brain - if this guy is not a "real" friend, she would almost certainly know this herself.
What should you do - tackle your insecurities, trust your girlfriend and feel proud and good knowing the girl you love is with YOU.
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