A
female
age
26-29,
PissyNovelist
writes:It’s 3rd period Science class, when all of a sudden your teacher walks in the room. Your heart races and his perfect smile, a smile you just have to return. His laugh fills the room, joking with students around him, par usual. You don’t just see him as a teacher, but as the perfect man. The one. Then, you’re heart seems to sink…You may never have this delightful man you’ve fallen for over the course of the semester.You see, this is just one of the hardships a student (a female student, seeing as that’s what I am and the only opinion I can count for) goes through when they have a crush on a teacher. For some, this topic is very taboo. Why? Well, some people make assumptions about these types of crushes (and even loves) that occur. I find that, in my own student crush hardship, that a main controversy is age. Others consist of; mind set, miscalculated emotions, the world judging them, and copping with it.I know a lot of adults, when discovering their child likes teacher, says that it is merely a crush, and nothing more. This is where the parents (or friends, or whom ever else knows) is wrong. A student at no matter what age may fall in love with a person at any age. So, to say that a 14 year old female student does not feel emotions known as love towards a 38 year old man, is wrong to assume. This female might full well be in love with this man. Which brings us to miscalculated emotions…Seeing as the world views age as somewhat of an intelligence level, a girl at 14 saying their in love (be it with a teacher, or someone their own age) is looked at as a joke. I find this to be rude to say such a thing. A lot of people know their emotions and have the ability to dictate love from crush. They know their mind well enough to discover if they love someone. Anyone can fall in love with anyone, and that’s simply how it is. There is no science behind it.When it comes to judgmental people of a students emotion for a teacher, it may get harsh. If someone at school were to find out, a possible bully might target that. That’s why I use females as the main example of this article. If a boy were to love their female teacher, I’m sure most other boys would call her hot to (which brings us to gender issues, but that’s another article for another time). As for girls, if Student B was to find out and they wanted to harm student A, they would use words. Being known for liking a teacher can be harmful, seeing as you can be called a slut, whore, and home wrecker (if the teacher is married).Then, there comes copping with these emotions. It’s hard, feeling like you can’t tell any body. Especially if the person you confide in is the teacher in question. It’s the constant feeling of knowing you may never have this person you care so deeply for. I read another article here, and I quote;“But students can't do anything about it. So their own passion is locked away in a box. And over time it doesn't go away, but expands. And continues but this box doesn't get any bigger. They develop more feelings. They can't keep it in. Eventually this box will explode..”~ Quote credit to MusicalMistress in her opinion piece Students falling in love with teachers whats your opinion?That is the best way one may explain it. It bottles up, and your feelings for this person grow until it’s unmanageable. It’s a horrible thing any student must face. But hey…It happens to the best of us.
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female
reader, mrsbieber  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 This, is so true. I know exactly what you're addressing here. Except I am 13 & he is 37. I know he doesn't feel the same way as I feel for him, but what I feel is real & I don't care what anyone tells me because I know how I feel. Just because I am 13, doesn't mean anything. As.you said, anyone can experience love, doesn't matter what age. & actually yes, you can love someone who doesn't love you back. Its called "unrequitted love". Its like the love other girls & I feel for our teachers.
A few days ago, I told my friend Alicia who gives great advice. She told me all the things that I've heard before. "He doesn't feel the same" , "its just a crush!" , "it'll blow over soon!". But no, it isn't just a crush. I know how I feel. The way he makes me smile, laugh, blush, get butterflies & a whole bunch more, can't be just a mere crush. When I see him, he is the only one I see. He just makes me so happy, & if I could see him, just one more time, I would hug him so tight, & I wouldn't want to let go. So don't say its just a crush, because obviously not. The OP & other girls & I, know how we feel, it isn't a crush. Its love. Unrequitted love. (:
A
female
reader, PissyNovelist +, writes (12 May 2010):
PissyNovelist is verified as being by the original poster of the question All in all, I really wanted to keep what I have going on and this article I wrote for certin purposes seperate. Seeing as the article was more of a general statement in the world of today, and the question of wanting answers.
There's a thin line between what I ment to get across, and what people in the comments are taking this as.
I didn't want people to take this article I wrote as a way of me saying that I think anything could happen or that its actually not possible for it not to happen. It more doesn't happen than it does.
I just wanted to bring up the main contraversies with said topic in general, and not the things I deal with alone. I brought up the fact that people were under the assumption that it was me, because it's actually quite interesting to to have people perceive it as that. Socioty as a whole makes assumptions, and thats what I ment with the last comment.
It's not exactly smart to make assumptions, seeing as assumptions and infering are A) the same in ways and B) two entierly different things at the same time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I have to say that I can very much relate to your article, and I think I understand the points you are trying to raise. I do think a lot of people confuse infatuation and crushes for love - but I would say this can apply to people of any age, not only young people. I have known mature people who just met someone and were convinced it was everlasting love. But then, I have also known young people who were very intelligent and clued up on their feelings. I have known young people who claimed they loved their teacher, and after thoroughly discussing their situation and their feelings I agreed. What they were feeling was clearly very real and powerful, no matter how young they may be, and no matter what the circumstances.
When I was 16-17, I developed strong feelings for one of my college tutors. It was not a crush - it was very deep and powerful. Perhaps it wasn't very healthy, but it was real. This man became my world. I won't go into the details of how I felt, but I'm sure you can guess. I actually had a boyfriend at the time, but the feelings I had for him were nothing compared to what I felt for this tutor.
Of course, nothing could become of it, and there came a point where I had to let him go. It took me a long, long time to move on, and it was very painful. It eventually happened though, I managed to move on. I am now 23. I am completely different, my life is completely different. But I can honestly say that I do not look back at that time and think, "What was I thinking? I was crazy!" To this day, I believe in what I felt for that man. I know it was real.
By saying that, I am not trying to suggest that you can never move on, that it is impossible, because it is not. I did it, and I know other people who have managed it too. It is very possible to move on. But it was still real, and it will always be real for you. It will always be real to me, what I experienced, what I felt...
So personally, I agree with you in that I think these feelings need to be taken seriously, and not disregarded as being "just a silly crush". Sure, a lot of people do just have crushes. But sometimes, it really is something more, and it can seriously affect a person's life. I think more people need to try and listen to those young people, take them seriously, and try to understand and help them, before shrugging it off as a harmless crush.
Those are just my thoughts upon reading your article. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share it with us on here. x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 May 2010):
 You said you aren't having an issue? I'm sorry, I must have misread this question, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/getting-a-teacher-i-love-a-gift.html in which you state you have a major crush, a mega crush, that you love this teacher. You're looking for ways to give him a gift without him realizing you have these strong feelings for him.
The thing you don't seem to be taking on board is that we have all been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and we are trying to tell you how this ends up.
The very best thing you can do for this teacher is to buy a nice "Thank You" note, say "Thank you for being such a good teacher! I'll remember your class fondly and I really learned a lot!" and then leave it alone.
Your feelings could cause this guy to lose his job, to leave teaching, IF you handle your feelings poorly. You WILL go on to other teachers and you WILL at some point when you are older, realize that we are trying to help you see things from our experiences. The teen years are tough and crazy-hard to get through without drama. Feelings that you've never experienced before suddenly pop up with no warning and there's no teen manual on how to cope with these intense feelings. You have to look to yourself for some common sense and some cold-eyed reality checks. We are happy to deliver them for you, in our varying ways, we just know what you're feeling is something that you will grow out of. That's all. And we don't want this teacher to get into trouble for something he has no control over, namely, your feelings, okay?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 May 2010):
 So what are you asking or trying to get at anyway? I often respond to school girl crushes on this site and the young lady usually gets pissed off because my answer and every other rational answer tells them that it's a crush for crying out loud and it will fade and one day they will look back on it and smile. Why do they keep getting the same answer over and over again??? Because it's the dang truth. You, however aren't really asking anything, what is it you are trying to get across? That we can expect to see 14 yr olds exploding all around us, come on get real. The only thing in your post that makes sense, and without all the teenage drama, is "It happens to the best of us." you bet it does, we've all been there, what makes you think that Tish's crush or kc's crush or my school girl crush were any different than what you are experiencing right now? We are the voice of experience, you'd be wise to pay attention.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Well my point was to try and talk about the things you didnt mention in your post as opposed to the controversies you talk about, as I stated I dont think age has much to do with it, plus I tried to show a different opinion to yours.
I had hoped thinking you were quite mature for a 14 year old you would look upon my comments with interest and be able to think about an opinion other than your own but I was sadly mistaken. You should be prepard when posting on public forums like Dear Cupid that not everyone will agree with you and they will offer comments different to your own, and you should look upon these with interest rather than claiming 2 people's comments are a reflection upon "society".
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female
reader, PissyNovelist +, writes (12 May 2010):
PissyNovelist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs you can see, even in the comments, people use the contraversies I pointed out.
I never even said I was havign an issue, and those of people who commented already had made statements directed towards me.
I find today's socioty to be quite controted for these things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 May 2010):
There's no doubt teens feel deeply and intensely. There's no doubt that some develop feelings for their teachers.
The thing to try to grasp is that we who were once teenagers do have some understanding of those feelings, because we too experienced them. Now, looking back at our feelings, we recognize that while they were intense, they were misplaced--unrequited love for a 'safe' authority figure. The first time we spent long hours with an adult male and got the sense we were dealing as an adult to an adult.
I'm sorry, but you're going to get the 'when you are older, you'll understand' speech from most of us.
I would advise you to print this essay out and put it away and read it in 10 year's time. I will wager cash that you'll understand things quite differently then.
I want to be very clear that many males have to leave their chosen profession, teaching, because of issues with crushes and love-struck students. You do not want to be the one who causes the end of a career. I think you know better.
If you are having trouble dealing with your feelings--if they are truly "unmanageable", ask to see a psychologist or talk to the counselor at school. Do not continue to 'feed' these feelings for your teacher by thinking about him in a romantic way. You're going to have to divert your feelings and figure out a way to diffuse them without getting a man fired. Use your new-found level of maturity to work out the best way.
I'm not being harsh, I'm not being mean. I'm just telling you that things look very different at age 24 than at 14--you will know as you go on through your teen years and complete your maturing process.
A healthy, balanced person seeks help and acknowledges when something is out of control or becoming a problem. I would advise that you do so if things are escalating to a point of "exploding."
Good luck.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 May 2010):
Well my problem here is that, aged 14 you claim to know what love is. And this is why adults will always call student/teacher relationships a "crush" because what you feel for the teacher is not love. Now I am not trying to be rude, or offensive towards you in any way. I'm sure you know how you feel and to you it is the most real thing in the world. But this "love" you think you have for the teacher is not real love - it is a combination of feelings that all merge together and simulate love. It is infatuation, physical attraction, desire, fascination, admiration, and hormones!
Real love can only be experienced when you are in a relationship with someone, when you spend long amounts of time alone in each other's company - love comes from true intimacy. You would not ever say you "love" a guy you have just started dating, this is because you do not know him well enough and you dont know quite how he will treat you as his girlfriend and you dont know whether you are compatible physically yet. Therefore why can you claim to love someone who you have never spent more than an hour or so with a day, someone who you are rarely alone with and someone who you only see on a professional basis? It cannot be love!
Take for example when I met my boyfriend - I was attracted to him and excited to get to know him better, but it was not "love" at this stage. It developed into love after we had spent hours in bed at night talking until the sun came up, hours just holding each other and wanting each other so badly yet refraining from sex because we didnt want to take things too quickly, it came from sharing so many passions and ideals for the future, from being so comfortable in each other's presence that we didnt even have to be doing anything, or even speaking to be having a good time. That is love, that is real love, that is the stuff that means you have a future together.
So I am sorry that us "adults" call it a crush - but that it all it is! What you think this feeling is for the teacher is based on what you see in the movies, and your hormones. You think love is all chasing each other, going through time apart, time together, wonderful romance on beaches and in the mountains, heart-break and all that other crap they fill hollywood films with. But what real love is, is not exciting, or crazy passionate, or overwhelming - it is every day life, but made that bit better because you get to wake up and go to sleep each day knowing you have that person in your life and they will be forever.
I think this quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin sums up love, and the feeling of being "in love" perfectly:
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
Of course being "in love" with a teacher will be incredibly difficult, I dont doubt that for one second and I'm sure it really is horrible. But try not to fool yourself into thinking this is love, you sound like a very intelligent girl and I'm sure you have the capacity to realise the difference between what you feel and what you might go onto feel with a man in the future.
And going back to what you said regarding the main problem being "age" - I dont think this is true. The main problem is that a teacher is in a position of responsibility, a position of power over the child. The child looks up to the teacher, goes to them for advice - the child trusts the teacher with their wellbeing, and so do the parents of the child in question. Therefore for a teacher to become involved with a child is basically abusing their position of trust, hence abusing the child. If a teacher becomes involved with a student this is pedophillia - you would not condone this outside of a school so why is it any different when the adult is a teacher? And I would imagine your answer would be something along the lines of it being reciprocal in a school scenario, rather than general pedophillia. Which is sort of true but what the child feels for the teacher is not sexual desire, nor love - therefore it is more just a need to be taken care of, respect and admiration for that teacher, the desire for the "forbidden fruit" type rebellion that teenagers often experience. So for a teacher to take advantage of this and abuse a child is very very wrong and the adult in question is deeply mentally disturbed if their conscious permits them to develop a relationship with a child.
It also raises another question if a teacher were to allow themselves into a relationship with a child - why would a so called mentally stable adult throw away their career, their future (as they would have a permanent police record) and their friends and family to pursue a relationship with a child? Again this all points towards the mental issues that this teacher will have, and the idea of a child being around a person like this is very scary!
So I think the issue is not really, age, miscalculated emotions, or outside judgement - it is mostly because any teacher that would embark on a relationship with a student is mentally disturbed and needs to seek help, and stay well away from children.
I hope this gives you something to think about and I hope nothing of what I have said offends you, it was never intended that way. Just expressing my opinion as a 23 year old girl/woman who is just about young enough to remember being a teenager!
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