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*ustquestions
writes:I'm trying to understand something since it looks like it may cause me a lot of pain in the future.I am now separated from my wife. It was a long term marriage (over 25 years) but with a lot of trials. In my state you have to be separated for at least a year before filing for divorce and it looks like we are heading that way. We have now been separated around 6 months.I've started getting closer to a couple of women I've known for awhile who are not married. The one I'm closest to is also separated (close to 3 years now and making no to effort to complete the divorce process) but has been "in a relationship" with someone for around 1.5 years. The other woman is divorced and not seeing anyone that I know of. I have a great time with the woman who is already "in a relationship" We talk easily together and have known each other since before she began her relationship (I was not yet separted at the time). I have asked her out and she has gone to meals with me a couple of times, but insists that we can only be friends at this time since she already has a relationship. (They are actually living together) My question is that before I got married, it was practically expected that you would date different people until you were practically engaged or actually were engaged. She has told me that this guy has expressed an interest in marrying her, but that she has said that she is not interested in marrying anyone right now even if her divorce were complete. I have suggested that he move out and that she date both of us. I thought she might agree but she eventually came back to me saying that she was already in a relationship. Do people still date? Can people still date multiple people until such time as they are seriously interested in marrying someone else? It seems like the current way of meeting people is to right away claim that you are in a committed relationship together and then you start talking about moving in together before ever talking about marriage. It seems like if the relationship does not work out, much time is lost getting to know other people who might be a better match for you. Since it seems like nothing will happen with the woman I'm more interested in, I've started talking more with the other one who I've known for a very long time and who seems interested in me. However, I'm primarily interested in getting to know women again and in having some companionship. It seems like everyone is all or nothing now. What is going on? Am I misunderstanding things? Has the dating scene changed so much? Any advice for me especially concerning the woman I'd most like to date?
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reader, justquestions +, writes (7 January 2011):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks angelDlite. I do appreciate your perspective. As I said originally, it's been a long time since I was in this game and I kind of wondered if I still knew how to play. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. My wife and I had been very distant for years. I stayed because I felt my children were better with me than with me gone and it was the right decision. I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling but she went only a couple times. I continued to go by myself for nearly a year while she refused. I eventually gave up.
The second woman knows this story well because she saw it unfold over many years. We live in a small town and happen to show up at many of the same places. I would always be alone and she would usually be with friends of hers and would ask where my wife was. She asked me just a month ago what her name was because it had been so long since she had even seen her that she had forgotten her name. Last spring she asked if I was even still married and I honestly had to say that I was as I was still living at the house and I saw her catch her breath quickly and duck away into another room where I couldn't see her. She has been divorced for about 8 years and her now grown children who have since moved away knew me while they were growing up. So, there is a lot in common there and I have noticed a few of her friends getting friendlier to me now and mentioning her to me. I want to be good friends with her and I naturally like conversation and would want to see if more develops over time, but I don't want her to think things will necessarily work out. We really haven't talked a lot. I like her but there isn't a major "spark" if you know what I mean.
I have the "spark" with the first woman though although we are from different circles. Our circles crossed big time several years ago when she entered a community college where I now work. I've helped her get through several classes that she might not have otherwise been able to. It's actually set up that I'll be helping her again this spring in a class. This will probably be done partly at the library and partly at her house. I know other people who have seen us together have also noticed how we act toward each other. Even her mother has commented and I know she tells her mother everything about me. We also see each other about once a week at the gym. Her boyfriend is someone from her youth who came back into her life. As I said, things are tense between us and it bothers him that he is unable to help her with her classes like I am. (I have several degrees and he hasn't gone any further than high school and then he served in the Navy) So, we're quite different. He is from her circle of friends though. So I don't know how things will work out in the end. A month ago when they had a fight over something, she pretty much came running to me. After they patched things up, I was put on the back burner again. I think she wants me around, but who knows what she is really thinking. In the meantime, she is great at conversation and people are amazed that we can both talk for hours about all types of things and never get tired. I don't think she can do this with her boyfriend. The truth is though, that even if she did leave him all of the sudden, I would be very interested in seeing her regularly and getting to know her even better, but, even if asked, I would not move in to take his place. I think we would need more time to get to know each other even better. Her boyfriend simply moved in when they got reaquainted. They may have known each other 23 years ago or whatever, but I would never have moved in right away as he did. Especially when there were two daughters also in the household. I've also told her that I think she should complete her divorce which would be fairly simple for her since she and her "ex" husband have no real assets together. She just doesn't want to incur the expense right now she says. However, it could be an excuse to be able to turn her boyfriend away too. Who knows.
Do I sound a little old fashioned? I think compared to most everyone else I read about on this board, I may be. I don't think I'm too bad though am I?
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 aw you've made me feel bad now justquestions! ;) i just can imagine that the lady that is into you might really fall for you and be hurt coz she's not really what you want or that the lady that you are really into could run into problems with her boyfriend because of the friendship with you or she might even do as you ask and leave him for you and then she would pissed to know that all the time this has been going on, you've also been mooching around with someone else that she didn't know about. i'm just giving you food for thought that's all, and i'm pre-empting stuff that could (or might never!) happen and giving you a woman's point of view :)
x
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A
male
reader, justquestions +, writes (6 January 2011):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAm I really being misleading? I don't mean to. Nothing is serious with either woman and I have not told them about each other. I had already decided that I would tell them about each other should I start getting serious with either one. As it is though, while I may know which direction I would rather go in, the truth is I'm not really moving beyond friendship in either direction. So, to me there isn't much to tell and there's no need to further complicate the issue.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 January 2011):
so: woman likes you - you like another woman - she likes another man. :) it can never just be simple can it?! does the woman that likes you know that you would rather be with someone else? does the woman that you are trying to get with know that you are keeping some one else on the back burner until she gives you the word or does she think that you are keeping yourself purely for her? you should have no worries as long as you are honest and upfront about things, coz one thing that is timeless and will never change is that women don't like to be lied to or misled
x
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A
male
reader, justquestions +, writes (5 January 2011):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses! I hadn't thought about the three different types of women mentioned by Doublejack, but I think you have a point. I did already figure out that the woman I'm more interested in seems to be the "nesting" type and is very much interested in security. Longer term, that is what I want again too. Our paths do cross fairly regularly and yesterday we had a long talk again. About a month ago she was making comments to me on the side that made me think something was up between her and her boyfriend. I kept my fingers crossed and kept waiting for her to really talk with me. We had one very meaningful embrace while this was going on but that was all. In a long talk that we finally had yesterday (that I initiated) she said that she and her boyfriend do disagree sometimes and that for all she knew things could fall apart between them sometime. She also said though that for all she knew she could also be with him forever. She repeated though that she didn't want to marry him though and of course she can't because she is still technically married to her ex husband although they have been separated for several years.
Without her coming out and saying it, I know that things did hit a rough patch between them, but they fixed things up again. She said again that all she has to offer me at this time is friendship and that would have to be enough. We will continue to cross paths and I was actually at her house today to help her with her computer. Her boyfriend was there and he knows me very well. It's obviously very tense when we meet.
I'm going to back off from her. I think she will find ways to keep me from completely disappearing from her life. We see each other about every week or so at the gym or other places we both frequent. So, even though I wish it was more often and I wish we could have more of a real relationship, I guess that's all it will be. She did ask my about my married situation too (now six months separated) and it could be that she wants that to resolve itself one way or another so that she doesn't get left behind since she does seem to be the security type. Ultimately, she knows that I would be more likely to provide better financial security to her and her daughter than her boyfriend who is a truck driver. I don't know what else I can do at this point though so I will do pretty much what she has asked.
I am talking a little more regularly with the other woman now. She has known me for years and has known of the lonely situation between my wife and me as well. (We have done things separately for years and she had noticed this) Without specifically saying it, she has basically expressed an interest in getting to know me better if my wife and I ever broke up. (She would ask regularly if we were still together or had broken up yet.) So, while I think I know her well enough that I don't believe she would openly date until after I am officially divorced, I think we can talk and build a bond that way and I can see what develops. This might be better for me at this time anyway. My interest is more in the other woman than her, but getting to know the second woman better should keep me from going "overboard" with the first woman and getting myself in too much trouble there. At least I don't think the first woman will disappear on me although I will have to force myself to back off and treat her as only a good friend as she has asked. Who knows, having two superficial relationships at this time might be better for me than one intense one anyway.
Thanks for the comments again. Any additional comments would be appreciated. I'm out of practice in all of this and wonder sometimes if I can still play the game. What do you think?
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (4 January 2011):
The women of today seek varying types of relationships. Some have a mindset that they're ready to settle down or they like stability in their relationships, and that's the type that will want to move in right away more often than not. Others are in no hurry to commit or don't want to be tied down, so they will date much more casually. And then there are some women who are liberated sexually and are quite promiscuous, just like the stereotypical guy. These women are perpetually single, very independent and typically break a lot of hearts along the way.
It sounds to me like the woman you're most interested in is of the first type, which is not what you're looking for (and it also sounds like she's content in her existing relationship). If the second woman isn't interesting enough for you, then you need to go out and meet some more women. As someone who was married for 10 years myself, I can assure you that once you get into the groove again the dating scene is pretty enjoyable these days.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I think most people do want a committed relationship fairly quickly. I'm not sure about moving in that quickly it depends on the individuals. It's too time consuming to date too many people and it doesn't suit many people's needs.
The woman who you prefer is in a relationship that currently meets her needs, so she is not going to have sex with you. It's pretty simple. You're not offering her what she wants so she chooses just friendship with you.
I don't know anyone to date multiple people up until they marry. Most people get engaged and are monogamous for a period before marriage.
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A
female
reader, Mama Elly  +, writes (4 January 2011):
U must not jump into your a relationship. Good relationships are hard to come by&equally takes time to form.Take it 4rm a woman if she tells u genuinely that she's into a relationship in order not to mess yourself up.Attend singles' function to get single women if u'r really sure that u&ur wife want a divorce.Just b patient.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 January 2011):
hi
what you seem to be after is more of an open relationship situation yes? yes they do still exist but most women i think would prefer all or nothing. would you agree there is more sex before marriage nowadays? maybe this is why we want commitment in a relationship more. the lady with the live-in boy-friend is not going to cheat on him with you by the sounds of it, so i think you should practice what you are preaching; 'keep your options open' and find someone else, multiple women even! as long as you don't lie to anyone and hurt them, then really there is no problem, have the sort of relationships that YOU want to have
good luck xx
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