A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I've been with my boyfriend for nine years now and over that time, I've become increasingly frustrated with the fact we haven't moved in together in all these years. I'm in my mid-late twenties and still live at home with my parents. Their favourite hobbie is to systematically run down my life, my relationship, my boyfriend and anything else I value as a high priority in my life. I would never let anyone else influence me, but I realised tonight that I've let my parents get inside my head! Because they're my parents and you THINK because they are the people that raised you, that they have your best interests at heart and they're only telling you harsh things because they're looking out for you, but I realise that's not the case with my family - anything but. Anyhow, I've sat there and let them cut me down in just about every way regarding my relationship.After a big long chat with my boyfriend tonight, I realise how much of a terrible partner I've been. We've always had, well I thought, a brilliant relationship (aside from the fact we haven't progressed into living together, of course). We're best friends and we have so much fun together. We've also seen each other through all the tough times in our lives.Tonight, my partner and I were having a fight. I was telling him I was frustrated at the fact we haven't moved in together when it's what I've always wanted. I was in the process of storming out of his place and driving off, before he stopped me and convinced me to come inside and talk. I don't know if it's a typical woman thing, but from our talk tonight, I realised that I've spent most of our relationship criticising him and putting him down. He said that no matter what amazing holidays he's taken me on or all the times he's been there to pick me up when something's gone wrong in my life, he feels like he "can never get it right".I realise that I've spent years running him down and lecturing him. He recited a whole lot of things I've said over the years and 99% of these were what my mother had sat me down and said, for example, "well he wouldn't have taken you on that holiday unless he had plenty of money to spare.." and heartless things like this.. instead of being GRATEFUL for the wonderful experiences we've had.My parents have always sucked any magic out of my relationship. They use the excuse that I wouldn't still be living with them if my relationship was in any way a honest and genuine one and if my boyfriend truely loved me we'd have our own house by now blah blah.I just want to publicly vent my disgust at myself. I cannot believe that all the emotional abuse I've taken from my parents over the years, who have forced me to feel isolated from my boyfriend, which I guess is an effort to make me feel worthless and incapable of being loved.. I can't believe I've taken that and projected that onto my boyfriend, who, aside from not having moved in with me, has been a near-PERFECT partner in every other way.Has anyone else ever been in this situation? I feel that having let my parents ramblings get into my head and affect my judgement about our relationship.. I feel like I've BETRAYED my partner. I can't believe he's still with me after what he told me tonight. I never realised how horrid I'd become!He'd be so upset if he ever thought what he'd told me affected me so much. He let it all out tonight because he's been hiding this inside for years.. not wanting to "rock the boat" he said. I have criticised him multiple times a day. Seems to be the way quite often, that you treat the one you truly love the worst of all.Is there anything I can do to try and start over in this relationship? I feel like I've really let him down. I never even realised how I'd become. He feels unloved and unappreciated, but he really is anything but.Can you suggest something nice I can do to show my boyfriend I'm sorry and that I truly do love him?I think in order for us to be a happy, functional couple, I will need to move on and forget my family. No matter how many fights I have with them, they always seem to draw me back in and convince me that THEY are the only people in my life that truly care about me...I hate myself for what's happened.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): I meant to say in my last post that I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this at 21. I started going through it years ago, but at first you can deny the seriousness of it and think it's just typical fighting that everyone has with their parents.
It's not though.. it's a form of serious bullying. A power game and only your parents have the ability to affect you so badly. If someone else outside your family were to treat you this way, you'd easily distance yourself from them so they couldn't hurt you again.
I find myself time and time again, getting sucked into trusting my family, opening up to them and taking on board what they say. It only results in me feeling totally confused and then taking that stress out on my boyfriend.
I'm embarrassed that even at MY age.. and I'm a few years older than you, that I still subconcsiously believe my parents have my best interests at heart and they only say what they do because they care. It's a load of crap. It's domestic abuse. On the outside, people think my parents are these lovely people, but if they were to hear the names they call me or what they say about my weight (I'm only 5kg over what I should be for my age), people would be shocked.
I wish you all the best hun. At least you know there's this awesome site here where you can get support.
It's good that you're totally aware of what's happening. It's excellent that you're seeking counselling. I often go see a lady to talk things out as well. Seems crazy that I'll pay $120 an hour to talk about OTHER people's problems, but it helps me talk to someone neutral - outside of my life.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing there are others going through the same thing too. You are doing everything you can at the moment, until you can get out of there.
All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): Wow Im the one who wrote previously and told you about the book...anyways Im truly in that situation. Its awful.My parents constantly remind me that when they were my age they were married and outta their parents living together obv and that they had good jobs on the go and how I should be married by now too and I should have a good job and much more. They criticize everything from relationships to careers to my looks, my personality everything.Im in the process of getting help and trying to get out the house and I wish you all the best of luck too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): I am SOOO grateful for your wonderful advice. I was so upset when I wrote that post and I know everything that's happened is my fault. I guess I was expecting a barage of insulting answers, which is what I know I deserve. Thank you so much for understanding.I've always been frustrated at the lack of progress in our relationship and after our talk, my boyfriend was totally honest with me and said he did obviously have some issue with further commitment, but he wasn't sure why. He was honest about his faults too.. only, I think any mistakes he's made are a result of how I treat him. Afterall, who would want to live with someone that's insulting you on a regular basis? Just so you can have it every day and night??I've never felt more guilty in my life. I realise I've been treating my boyfriend the way my mother treats my father. When my boyfriend described the things I've said and how I've reacted to things.. I was getting this mental picture in my head of all the times I've seen those scenarios between my parents. My mother stands up on her high horse and demands what she thinks she deserves, then criticizes my father if something's not perfect. I have become her!!!!!! :(There's also something else I feel I need to mention..My parents are in their late 50's and my father's business is not doing so well in this economy. They're looking to sell their house. I buy all my own food and pay quite a hefty amount of board, but do you think my mother will contribute even a CENT towards living costs? Of course not, she's a woman, she doesn't have to give anything.They believe that the man is supposed to provide for the woman financially at all times. They don't believe it's an equal partnership. My boyfriend and I HAVE an equal relationship. We'll go on holiday, and he earns a lot more than me, but I'll pay what I can i.e. 30% of the costs and he'll pay the rest.. or we'll take turns paying when we go to the movies or coffees.. we try to share things out as best we can. I don't WANT to be a kept-lady. But everytime we go out together, I'll get home and my parents will say, "Oh, did HE pay or did you have to pay?" I'll stupidly say, "I paid this time" if I did.. as I'm always honest.. and they'll start frowning at each other in disapproval. Then they'll start on one of their lectures of how I'm being taken for granted, how I'm being taken for a ride.. how I'm an idiot and I should know better. It's like an indoctrination. After a lecture, I find myself questioning everything I think is right.. because it's what my PARENT'S are telling me. They paint their life when they were my age to be this perfect THING that I'LL NEVER achieve myself. They constantly tell me my boyfriend hasn't made the progress my father had at his age and my mother always tells me how much more independent and progressed she was at my age. I ALWAYS turn it in on myself and my boyfriend for feeling so inferior. I really need to wipe my family. They don't love me anyway. Honestly, you only know the half of the things they say. My mother can go a MONTH without saying a word to me if I try to stand up to her about my life not being "that bad!". Anyways sorry for the rambling. Thank you so much everyone.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 March 2011):
 I think that there are many of us out here who can relate to your situation. After years of hearing things stated to you time and time again, its difficult to not let some of it seep through. My parents were/are basically good people. They raised my sister and I and we really don't go without anything, but they were both very negative and criticizing people, and often said demeaning things to us. It took me YEARS to stop thinking so badly of myself and to not be so insecure! I always walked around with a chip on my shoulder thinking that I could never do anything right and that I would always manage to screw things up. This is because its what I heard my whole childhood. I'm now close to 50 and can say that I did just fine for myself..once I stopped believing what my parents had said.
This is what you need to do...take a few steps back and realize that you CAN change your way of thinking! Just because your parents have said things doesn't mean that they are true. And you can be however you want to be. You realize what the problem is..that's great. Just keep working on it. It could do you a world of good to see a counselor too.
And I agree that you should probably not live with your parents any longer. If you can't live with your guy, why not get your own place or get a room mate? Getting away from your parents would help you immensely, trust me. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): You're doing the right things, but KEEP doing them.My ex wife turned out to be like this. She actually admitted that she had a history of depression etc that she had concealed from me before we were married/moved in.She nearly always refused to get any kind of help or even to attend joint counseling. In the end she was continually emotionally and physically abusive to me and I left.If you keep demonstrating a commitment to help yourself as well as your boyfriend though, I think you'll find him as committed as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Hey there, Im just gonna say Im not exactly going to be the greatest of help but I know what your going through as Im in the exact same position right now. However Im 21 and been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a few days ago he turned round and dumped me. I was sooo shocked and demanded to know why.
Turns out I did exactly what you do, so I gave him a day for me to think about what I was doing and thats when I realised I too kinda take my frustration out on him and it came from my parents as Im always being told no-one will love me, Im useless, Im not good enough to get a real job, I will never make money, if my bf loved me we would have already moved in by now so clearly he doesnt love me and im just something to fill his time and many many more and I portrayed it all onto him.
I felt soo bad about it and went straight to the doctors to get an appointment with a therapist so now this friday I have an appointment to talk to someone, as I researched many things and read a book called 'you can heal your life' by Louise L.Hay and that helped me and made me realise more things I do and also that therapy is a great thing to go to, so you can talk to someone physically and get their feedback and also help you change your thinking and make you positive and well tell you what if you happen to come accross that book buy it.
I went back to my bf and talked to him and hes mines again but im on thin ice but he sees the improvements in me already and I havent even seen my therapist yet.
I wish you all the best of luck, its not a great feeling at all huh =/
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (29 March 2011):
Hi OP
You seem to have a good insight into your problems and I'm glad you want to take some action. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position, but I am glad that you have had a bit of a wake up call.
Why don't you move out of your parents' place and get somewhere of your own. I think that would be a good way to start. This will most likely affect your behaviour in a positive way as you won't be so reliant on your parents. Hopefully this will lead to a change in your behaviour toward your bf. I feel that if you don't get out of your parents' place you will continue to be influenced by them, seemingly in a negative way.
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